Sunday, August 2, 2015

Stuck In The 90's Roundup

I'm a little late posting this roundup. I've has a roller coaster month and a half. So roller coaster-y, in fact, that I didn't have time to create an entry for this month's challenge, gosh darn it all! But luckily the other LUGNuts members took up the slack nicely. What have I been doing since our last roundup? Glad you asked, disassociated voice used to move an idea along. You see, for the first time ever, I have become a responsible adult and bought a home. This means up until now, all the jokes I wrote about getting the hell off my lawn were for naught as I never had a lawn. But now I do. Its only like 16 sq. ft., but it's mine...and for the love of god y'all had better stay the hell off of it! Rumor has it your own political position makes a swift and violent shift toward conservatism as soon as you own a home. So all the artists, musicians, naked hippies and freeloaders who were all my friends like 10 minutes ago can all get the hell off my lawn. Seriously, get off my lawn, you're bringing down property values around here. What's next, they're gonna let Polish people move in to the neighborhood? Now that I've become my dad, lets get to this roundup. Its called Stuck In The 90's, all about 90's era cars, trucks, and bikes. There's sure to be plenty of jokes about Zima and bib overalls.

Ralph Savelsberg starts us off with the pride of all right-wing conservatives, the (barely) civilian version of the HMMWV, aka. the Hummer.  This was brought about by the governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. I could park this baby in my new two car garage and still barely have room for a six pack of Zima. Price of oil be damned! If there's a new species of baby seal we can club to keep this hummer running I'd like to know about it!


For Ralph's second entry, he goes the opposite end of the spectrum with this adorable 1998 Smart City Coupé. Its the car that actually saves baby seals. Yes, there's plenty of room for you and your baby seal friend. Its OK, little guy, where we're going there are no Hummers, only ice cream and rainbows.

Smart City Coupé (with a few tweaks)

Speaking of ice cream and rainbows, Tom Netherton conjures up images of soccer moms with his first couple of entries. When I think soccer moms, I think anti-depressants, yoga pants, self image issues, and a whole litter of screaming brats to take to soccer practice. And also the 1990 Ford Explorer.

Ford Explorer

Next Tom pounds out another soccer mom vehicle, the Pontiac Trans-Port. This conjures up other soccer mom-ish images like...Vicodin, red wine, daytime soap operas, garden sheers, and a lurid affair with the pool boy.

Pontiac Trans Sport

And while mom is discovering the joys of forbidden love with an illegal immigrant, dad hides his pot belly and comb-over with this Dodge Viper and/or Shelby Cobra. Tom's write up and frankly his render is so vague and weird, I can't tell if its either.

Dodge Viper RT/10

Something tells me the next builder has been waiting for this challenge all his life. He'd lie awake nights thinking...somebody please come up with a 90's challenge so that I can live up to my own name! Your prayers have been answered, Loek1990. Its your time to shine with this 1992 Honda NSX.

1992 Honda NSX Type R

Sam Sirmanperson renders the Nissan Skyline, which was one of the last hoorahs of Japan's amazing decade of cars produced during the 90s. It's been god's gift to import tuner enthusiasts and Gran Turismo players across the globe. All I have to say to that is...Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto.

Lego Nissan Skyline R34

"You dumbass!, you might say. "Not only was that culturally insensitive, but that was an early 80's reference and not even a 90's one!" Then don't worry, be happy...oh disassociated voice. I shall remedy that with Peter Blackert's first entry, a 1994 Alpha Romeo GTV.

Alfa Romeo GTV (Type-916 - Pininfarina - 1994)

"That was another 80's reference with that Don't Worry, Be Happy routine. Bobby McFerrin, 1988. Get it right, dumbass!" Fine. Who are you and why do you keep interrupting me?  Anyway, next on the Peter slab is this '94 Ferrari F512M Berlinetta in bright yellow.

Ferrari F512 M Berlinetta

Built for speed but probably not beauty was the '97 McLaren F1 GTR shown here in Davidoff/Gulf colors. I have no jokes for this. The disassociated voice hurt my feelings. it just took the wind out of my sails. Maybe I'll man up with the next one.

McLaren F1 GTR - 1997 (Long Tail - Davidoff/Gulf)

Back when someone thought bib overalls and crop tops looked great together, someone also thought this 1996 BMW Z3 was a good idea. Meh, that was a weak joke, weak premise, especially considering this is a rather cool car. And crop tops with the overalls flap down…kinda hot, actually.

BMW Z3 Roadster

Let's see, what else happened in the 90's? Lorena Bobbit cuts off her husband's penis and throws it out a car window. They were able to find and re-attach the severed member so that John could eventually use it to make porn. That decade also killed off the Buick Riviera with the '96 being its last.

Buick Riviera (8th Generation 1995-1999)

 An ex-footballer becomes a murderer…allegedly. O.J. makes a very slow escape in a white Ford Bronco and hires a dream team of lawyers, one of them being the biological dad of the whole Kardashian clan. They fumble what was called "the trial of the century", he gets away with it, only to be thrown in the slammer later for like robbery or something. Also, here's the '98 Rover 75.

Rover 75 Saloon (1999)

Al Gore invented the internet in the early 90's…or so he tells us.  Back then everything was on slow moving dial up.  It would take 10 minutes just to download a topless pic of Phoebe Cates. Eventually the net…or the "information super highway" as it was called back then changes the way we shop, the way we interact with each other, it changes the world as we know it. Also heres this 1991 Mazda GE 626.

Mazda 626 Capella Sedan (GE - 1991)

 Speaking of the internet,  a site called Napster set the precedent for pirating free digital music. Now music was at your fingertips and free. The record companies, even the bands, fought this tooth and nail. The site has since disbanded but still, the way we listen to music has never been the same. Check out this 98 Ford Focus (C170).

Ford Focus Zetec 3-Door (MkI - C170)

Here in the states in '92 we elected Bill "Slick Willy" Clinton as President. He was smooth, charismatic, youngish and smart. He even got away with having a fat chick smoke his "cigar", if you know what I mean. A blue dress with a stain on it becomes a media sensation and also in 1998, this Porsche 968 shown here in tan.

Porsche 968 Coupe (1992)

 Peter tells us this Peugot 406 Coupe had delicate lines, blending the decade's soft organic forms with subtle detailing. He also says the 407 that came after it looks like a frog that had swallowed a harmonica. Then for the love of god, why didn't he build that one instead?! You think its easy coming up with jokes for delicate lines, soft organic forms, and subtle detailing?

Peugeot 406 Coupé (1996 - Pininfarina)

OK, back to 90's world fads. Back when people were donning fanny packs and buying up Beanie Babies by the truckload, this 1993 MkI Renault Williams Clio was all the Europe, but not so much in the states. We were to busy feeding our Tomogatchis, apparently.

Renault Clio MkI Williams (1993)

 For two years in the early 90's it was actually made illegal in the US and cause for arrest to sing or perform a particular song. The offending tune…"Me So Horny" by 2 Live Crew. The entire album "As Nasty as They Wanna Be" was deemed too offensive for public consumption. Far less controversial is this 5-cylinder FIAT Type-175 Coupe.

Fiat Coupé (Type  175 - 1993 - Bangle)

 Now through the magic of youtube, you can safely discover the offending album for yourself. The 1996  Volvo 850 Turbo Estate was the car chosen by Peter's father-in-law for the replacement to his (much hated) 20-year old MkI Ford Taurus wagon, once it eventually pooped out its transmission. That conjures up some disturbing imagery.

Volvo 850 Turbo Estate (1996)

 Speaking of disturbing, in '98 the Furby sold out of stores within minutes. This silly toy spoke its own language. It could communicate with other Furbys. It could hiccup and burp. It could observe and learn from you. Some say it could burn down your house and run off with your wife. I bet this 1998 Chrysler 300M can't do that.

Chrysler 300M (1998)

Here's a disturbing factoid not many people know about from the 90's. Michael jackson wanted to buy the rights to all Marvel Comics. He wanted to play Spider-man. Sort of makes this 1991 Chevy Caprice seem pretty tame in comparison.

Chevrolet Caprice Taxi (1991 - 28 Days)

 In '92 Sir Mix-a-lot had a thing for big butts and he couldn't lie about it. Our wide-bottomed ladies had a new found glory and it was deemed OK to be into them. So ladies, ladies…if you wanna roll in my 1992 K11 Micra, then turn around, stick it out. Even white boys gotta shout. Baby got back!

Nisan Micra (K11 - 1992)

In '95 Calvin Klein produced a whole series of ads that gave most people the willies. They were interviewing what looked like underage teens in various stages of undress all in what looked like someone's wood paneled 70's style basement. Even the lighting made the whole thing feel creepy and exploitive. Here's a Saturn SL.

Saturn S-Series SL2 (1996 - 2nd Generation)

Some of the worst films of all time were made in the 90's. Gratuitous nudity couldn't save the laughable Showgirls and Striptease, and Batman and Robin was an over the top and decidedly homoerotic comedy of errors. Unrelated to laughable flops is this 1992 Lancia Hyena Zagato Concept.

Lancia Hyena (1992 - Zagato)

 No one knows what they were thinking with Highlander II: The Quickening, but you owe it to yourself to persevere through what was deemed the absolute worst movie of all time…Troll 2. They even made a documentary about it. Certainly not the worst car of all time is this 1992 Mazda 626.

Mazda 626 Capella Liftback (GE - 1991)

And to you ignorant douchebags who may be fans of Creed, Limp Bizkit, Hanson, Ace of Base, Dave Matthews Band and Hootie and the Blowfish, you have the unique distinction of enjoying not only the worst of the 90's but the worst bands of all time. Conrats, morons! Here's the Mercedes-Benz R170 SLK.

Mercedes-Benz R170 SLK Roadster

 1991 gave us this Mercury Capri Roadster. It also gave us Basic Instinct, a movie that left us at the edge of our seats…literally at the edge of our seats with our hearts pounding during Sharon Stone's memorable crossing and uncrossing of the legs scene. Ironically it wasn't that scene that created the most controversy but rather its blatant homophobic message.

Mercury Capri (1991 - nee Ford Capri)

 And speaking of controversial films, the 90's also gave us Natural Born Killers, Boxing Helena, Dogma, The South Park Movie, Reservoir Dogs, and Trainspotting…all lauded as some of the most controversial movies of all time. Much tamer is the Toyota A80 Supra.

Toyota Supra A80 Coupe

Knowing that any mention of me makes ones views rise expodentially, Peter asks me for a good suggestion and I offer up the '96 Ford Ranger XCab customized to the gills. He consults his Aussie Ford Engineer's manual but to no avail. "Customized to the gills" was nowhere to be found. His engineering brain couldn't grasp the concept so he blew a fuse. Luckily his young daughters could help with this Model Team rendition.

Ford Ranger X Cab Pickup (1996 - FNA Custom Offroad)

He then comes to me weeping with pee-pee in his pants begging for help on this whole "customized to the gills" concept and I'm like...what am I, yer mother? Git off my lawn and figure it out yourself! Luckily his young daughters save the day again, this time with a very cute idea...what if the Friends line had a custom '96 Ford Ranger? This is pretty much how it would go. Thanks, little ladies! You're the bee's knees!

Ford Ranger X Cab Pickup (1996 - FNA Horse Hauler)

Is that all of them? Seems it is. I guess I didn't talk so much about the cars as I did my own stilted opinions of the goings-ons during the 90's. That's how it is with these roundups. You never quite know what to expect. What can we expect next month, then? Well, all I can say is expect the unexpected. We have something pretty special lined for for all y'all. We at LUGNuts have joined forces with Head Turnerz, a more youthful LEGO car club, and the guys who write The LEGO Car Blog, the blog you should be reading instead of this one, to come up with one big prize riddled summer build-off extravaganza. The guys at The LEGO Car Blog get caught abusing some elves…or something…and now they are court ordered to register themselves as Elf Offenders and do right by the elves. As a result, we get to build some cool cars, and maybe win some awesome prizes courtesy of No Starch Press. Its called Appease The Elves Summer Automobile Build-Off (Part I). Yes, like most summer blockbusters there will be a part II. There are plenty of cool entries by both LUGNuts and Head Turnerz so far so stay tuned as this two month long competition should be plenty heated. And as for my opening remarks, one artist, one musician, and two of you naked hippies can stay. And if you happen to be of Polish heritage, then all the better. Just keep the noise level down after 10pm and don't drink all of my vodka. We cool? Good. As for fans of Hanson, Limp Bizkit, and Hootie and the Blowfish I still hold my ground on what I said…ignorant douchebags the whole lot of ya! Arighty, I've done my damage for today. Until next time, catch ya later.

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