Welcome to the best blog on the net that no one reads. That'll all change as the all LUGNuts issue of brickJournal is coming out real soon. This means a lot of new lookyloos will suddenly become hip to our LEGO car buildin', crass bloggin' ways. So since we'll have a lot of new eyes on us, lets bring the newbies up to speed on what we're all about. When it comes to dog ownership, food goes in the sharp end and poop comes out the stinky end...and never the other way around. Bane from The Dark Knight Rises sounds like Sean Connery trapped in a toilet while eating a sub sandwich, Three-Peckered Billy Goat coffee is the bee's knees and aluminum foil on your head will keep the monsters at bay. When a lady is present, we can't tuck in our shirts as none of us wear any pants around here, and Burt Reynolds is the reason my dog puked on the rug. Tim is no stranger to paying for strange, Ralph has definitely time traveled and is the reason we now have strip clubs and you can always expect one disgraceful sacrilege or another from Rolic. Ok, I think that about covers it. Now that we've brought the new readers up to speed...and then scared them away, lets get to this month's build challenge called Order By Numbers...all about choosing 10 vastly different ideas off a menu. For quick reference, here are the orders we had to choose from:
1. A legendary vehicle...in Europe
2. Raphy makes a Batman trilogy in 2025 and Catwoman needs a new set of wheels
3. Some good ol' American muscle
4. A vehicle to go with the new LEGO Monster Fighters line
5. A vehicle suitable for a James Bond movie
6. A hard working farm vehicle
7. A vehicle to contend in the 2013 races
8. Any badass vehicle...customized to accommodate a wheelchair
9. The perfect vehicle for a family road trip
10. A vehicle to handle any extreme terrain
Lets see how we did, shall we?
Tim Inman starts us off and orders up a #3...Some good ol' American muscle. In this case a totally badass, balls out gray and black 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner called Hammer.It was the car that Vin Diesel drove in the final scene of "Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift." And if Vin Diesel is involved, you know its got to be good!
When it comes to American muscle cars, just like chips, no one can eat just one. That's why Tim orders up another, but this time a lime green'71 Hemi 'Cuda convertible. Who's that aloof fig with his arms crossed? Why that's none other than Don Johnson. If you want one of these for reals, yo...be prepared to plunk down well over a million dollars. I'll see what I have in the couch cushions.
No stranger to going up for a third helping at the all-you-can-eat buffet, Tim graces us once again, but this time mixes up a combination of #1, #5 and #7 with this Maserati Tipo 151/3. This car is laden with a dry sump something or other, 15 inch doohickies, Dunlop thingamajigs and all kinds of other techno-fritz I don't understand. Let me share a little secret with you new readers...Tim is a real car guy. I, on the other hand, am a real car dunce.
How am I qualified to lead this group, then? I have a way with words and apparently some mad skill with the brick.None of that skill was made apparent however when Lino Martins (hey, that's me!) ordered up a #1 and presented this 2012 Fiat 500. The result: scores of comments about how the tires are too small, and I messed up the back end. Turns out there's just no love for this little car. Awwww nuts!
But there is plenty of love for LEGO Junkie and his camo Tumbler from The Dark Knight Rises. It technically qualifies as a #10 as the streets and rooftops of Gotham are pretty extreme. Is it time for a seemingly unrelated joke? If you ever see Howie Mandel, tell him Burt Reynolds will break a foot off in his ass. He'll totally know why.
Living up to his name, LEGO junkie tweaks out again, but this time with Bane's Semi, also qualifying as a #10. The extreme terrain in question presumably would be Batman's face. Bane is such a badass. Its too bad in the movie he sounded like a kind old pensioner who wanted to sit in a rocking chair and tell me war stories while falling asleep mid
Making good on the aforementioned sacrilege disgrace, Rolic picks on poor handicapped Batman. Yes, Bane breaks the bat and as a result he now has to tool around in this wheelchair accessible classic El Camino, which presumably only gets classic rock stations. Still Batman falls out of his wheelchair anyway. Is it wrong to laugh? If so, I don't wanna be right. This is hilarious! Hey, at least he gets all the best parking spaces now. Right? Right?
Don't taze me, LEGO bro! Sorry, couldn't resist the reference. It was like 5 years ago in Florida. Remember? Anyway, look it up on youtube...but before you do, take a nice long steamy gawk at this bright blue Bugatti Type 57SC Atlantic. Its tazer-ific!
Lets say you're in England, just drinking tea, minding your own business and doing whatever it is people do in England. Now lets say the Thames floods and suddenly you're ass over tea kettle in water. What to do? Luckily, Ralph Savelsberg averts the crisis with this Land Rover Defender in the livery of the Royal National Lifeboat Institution, a British charity dedicated to saving lives at sea. Jolly good indeed!
Later, Ralph orders up a second helping, but this time he has a craving for the Citroen 2CV Charleston...a legendary vehicle in Europe, but not in the US. Our LUGNuts member with a doctorate degree makes it a point to tell us this car is a horrible little shitbox but it developed a bit of cult-status over the years and was in production for several decades. Tee-hee! He said a naughty word!
Lets say you're in the bathroom, just drinking tea, minding your own business and doing whatever it is people do in the bathroom. Now lets say you're suddenly very, very bored and figured the bathroom could use some spicing up. What to do? Luckily, The Bing-Bong Brothers flushes out a real winner with this bathroom Lamborghini seen here negotiating the punishing terrain of the bathroom counter. Remember, if its yellow let it mellow.
Are you comfortable? Do you have your feet up and wrapped in a blanket? Have you brewed yourself some Three-Peckered Billy Goat coffee? Why not? Get to it, god damn it! For you new readers I always crack similar jokes at the start of Lego911's entries cuz Peter is the world's most prolific builder and this is gonna be a long haul. He starts us off with a Jaguar F-Type GT2 Racer, qualifying as a #7.
Next the prolific Peter orders up a #1 with a generous helping of BMW 2002 TI. He tells us its the ultimate driving machine genesis.Speaking of which, remember when that one guy let somebody drown off his boat? Then Phil Collins invites him to his show and plays that real creepy song "In The Air Tonight" and the whole place is dark except for one spotlight on the guy the whole time. You know what I'm taking about?
Dude, you can't deny its totally true! Even that Emenem song "Stan" referenced it, so if Emenem raps about it, you know its totally true. Just like that story of Richard Gere and that gerbil. Oh, and Peter builds some American muscle...a badass '68 Olds Hurst Sport Coupe.
Next Peter tells us the Bowler EXR-S Ultimate Offroader can handle any terrain, making it a top contender for the Paris-Dakar races and the perfect #10 for our challenge. It was also seen in the Top Gear's England vs Germany challenge. I haven't seen that one yet so don't spoil it for me. I was gonna see that Titanic movie then someone told me the boat sinks and the whole ending was spoiled so I said awwww screw it.
Oh wait, is Peter done? Already? That wasn't so bad. Anyway, if you're like me, you've spent many a night crying on your sweaty pillow wishing someone would contribute a number 4 to the challenge. Luckily, Volume X remedies all our crying and night sweats with this Zombie Junk Racer...made to look like an official LEGO Monster Fighters set. I'd totally buy that.
I'd also plunk my hard earned scratch down on his second entry, a TRT or Tactical Riot Truck. Its like a party in my mouth and everyone is being arrested. And sprayed with pepper gas and a riot hose. Heh! Riot hose! I know, right! I can't believe how funny I am! Where do I think up this stuff?
Where does Gilcelio think up his stuff, for that matter? He's submitted a number 10 and a Batman vehicle simply called Bane. Yes, the venom-enduced bruiser has his own look-alike vehicle to pound Batman's face into a pulp. Poor Batman. He's really taking a beating with the riot hose this month. Hah, RIOT HOSE!!
Raphy finishes out our roundup with a Saab Sonet III that qualifies as an order #1. What it lacks in riot hoses and the ability to beat Batman's face into a pulp, it makes up for in yellow and black Saab goodness. Its like a party in my mouth and everyone is swimming in grease. Or something. I don't know, my jokes just went stale.
Perfect timing, too. That was this month's round up, kids. What did you new readers think? Like most things in life, this roundup started with poking fun at Vin Diesel, ended with a greasy taste in my mouth and there was some tazing and making fun of the handicapped somewhere in between. Sort of like a job interview I had recently. So, what to we have in store for next month? You'll have to tune in next month to see, but its a little challenge we like to call Nifty Fifties, Daddy-O...all about 50's era cars. Many people cite the 50's as their fave automotive era so we're bound to have some pretty exciting entries with mile long fins and copious chrome. I, for one, can't wait to see how this all unfolds. So for now I'll sit in my 50's era bomb shelter, sip a highball and hope the commie reds don't harsh my conservative groove. What? Its what they did in the fifties!