Thursday, January 17, 2013
Things are going well at my new job. Between making photocopies of my ass and complaining that the photocopier doesn't work, I have been given some very big important responsibilities. Turns out I have been deemed in charge of counseling problem students who have failed their classes. With my skull rings and scary-ass face, even I see the irony of them having to come to me once they've bombed an entire semester. And with my penchant for venomous writing, you can imagine the letters went something like this: Dear student. Guess who won't be having a good holiday break. You! You see, just before you unwrap that iphone you wanted, this letter will arrive informing you and yours that you're a huge dumbass. Way to fail all your classes, numbnuts! I mean seriously, you failed Intro To Ceramics! What were you thinking? You can't even make a lopsided bowl? If you're failing intro to anything you have got to be dumber than a bag of dicks! How's it feel to be a giant failure? When you return to school, you will be locked out of the building...a source of embarrassment, I'm sure. But then you'll have to have somebody buzz you in, then you'll come see my scary-ass face when I will then put my scary-ass signature on your form and maybe ridicule you some more. Intro to Ceramics?! Hah! Please find the enclosed photocopy of my ass to prove I mean business. Oh, and lest you think you can escape this, a copy of this letter was sent to your mom, your dear grandmother, and your girlfriend. Won't they have a conniption fit once they realize their darling student would rather hit the bong than hit the books? I bet mom will return that iphone you wanted. Your girlfriend will probably leave you for some big jock. Surely he has failed Intro to Ceramics too, but at least he's six feet of woman-pleasing man-slab while you're a sniffling worm. Anyway, see ya after break. Tootles! Your friend, Lino.
With that said, let's get to the roundup called Space Is The Place...all about out-of-this-world vehicles with outer space names!
LegoNoitAllMocs blasts off with a quite literal interpretation of the challenge and proves that space really is the place with this lunar rover. I hear the moon has all the best parking spaces. Providing you remember which crater you left it in.
Once we're finished playing golf on the moon, we're going to want to travel light years to play golf on distant planets. This is why Gilcelio launches an intergalactic rover called the Soyuz TMA-14. It features the first Brazilian in space...or...um...something.
If you wanted to feel the lunar wind in your hair while cruising the moon, as well as deep freeze and the inevitable explosion of your head caused by a lower gravity, then look no further than this Moon Rod as built by Jonathan Derksen. Now did we park it in the Sea of Tranquility or the Sea of Vapors?
No car has a spacier name than the 1974 Mercury Comet. But this spaced out classic by Lino Martins is made for the drag strip, not the moon. This retro ride holds a special place in my heart as it was my first car...except mine was crappy, and white and nowhere near this cool. But who needs trunk space and seating for five when you can have drag racing!
Forget Sputnik. Forget Saturn V. Forget Apollo 11. According to Raphy, The Space Race was actually conducted by Yuri Gagarin in a Soviet GAZ-Chaika while Neil Armstrong races along in the all American '57 Chevy. Raphy tells us "Wesołych świąt"! And also "VIVAT ROSSIYA!" And gesundheit to you, too, young man.
Would you like to terrorize a bunch of girls, then lead them into one of the most exhilarating car chases of all time until they eventually beat the living shit out of you? Then you might want to do it in this Deathproof Nova, as built by Lichtblau. It helps if you also have Kurt Russell hair.
It wouldn't be an intergalactic space themed build challenge without two Chevy Novas in a row. But this one is a '67 built by infraredbricks. And its not even Deathproof. Come to think of it, neither was the other one. In fact, I recall it was the complete opposite of death proof. It was sort of an instrument of death, if you will. And speaking of astronauts meeting their fiery doom...
Angka Utama builds a Rally X Stratos. Wait, that didn't even make sense at all! What the hell was I thinking? Its like I completely missed the "I'm gonna cleverly segue one idea to the next" boat by a long shot. Maybe my next segue from one idea to the next will be better.
Do you like the thrill and exhilaration of F1 Racing? Sure, we all do. But those sleek little F1 racers are awful cramped. How can you take the whole family along when there's barely room for a driver over 5ft6? Renault, and incidentally Marin Stipkovic has solved the problem with the Renault Escape concept vehicle. Finally mom, dad, and their 2.5 kids can race laps in minivan comfort and practicality!
Not very comfortable, not very practical, and definitely too low and slow to race laps around the track is this chopped and lowered '54 Mercury built by AadenH. But speed and practicality are not the point when you're cruising along in this wicked custom classic.
And when that old classic breaks down, Ralph Savelsberg comes to the rescue with this Mercedes Actros Car Transporter. At first he was like the Mercedes logo is a three point star so can I use that in a space challenge? then I'm like yeah, whatever...but then he finds out later that Mercedes is also a name of an asteroid so now its doubly poignant. Way to outdo us all, Ralph!
Houston, we have a problem. (oh, now that astronaut joke makes sense!)Peter Blackert went and built the '82 Ford Telstar Liftback - Mk I, and then 15 other cars after that, and I'm running out of steam. There's no Three-Peckered Billygoat Coffee to be had, plus I got to drop the kids off at the pool, if you know what I mean. So, to take me through, I'm going to employ the help of 15 other writers to jib-jab about his cars. Here goes.
Hunter S. Thompson- We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert, in a candy apple red '91 Telstar Mk III when the drugs took hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
Yoda- Hmph. Adventure? Heh. Excitement? Heh. In a brown Ford Meteor - Mk I, 1981, A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless. Strong is the smell of stale fries in this car. Friends, you have not. When 32 years old you reach, look as rusty, you will not. If brown it is, flush it down you will. Hmph.
11 year old girl- Dear diary. peter blackert is like sooooo dreamy!! He built like a 1956 old car or something and i'm like OMG!! The car is like older than my grandfather or whatever. Like i don't even think they invented gravity back then. i had a dream about pink ponys again. i'm like OMG!! What am i 7? As if!! Tee hee!! Anyway, tootles. heart. winky face. smiley face.
Jewish Mother- '62 Mercury Comet? No, I don't know anything about that. You don't call your mother in two weeks and now you call me about this? I push you out of my womb 35 years ago and with this you repay me? With some call about some rusty old car. And why don't you make me some nice Jewish grandchildren already? Your wife has got those nice child bearing hips and you don't make children. And I told you not to buy that cheap supermarket Calla bread. I wanted the good stuff from Katz' Deli and instead you bring your mother this? It probably ain't even kosher! The cheap stuff gives your poor father the flaming shits! Oy vey!
Fashion Show Announcer- You can be the queen of your jungle in this sassy new Pontiac Solstice Roadster. This year's models are adorned in a yummy but tasteful chocolaty mocha brown with a plush, sporty interior. Why not accessorize your Solstice with an adorable Tiffany diamond tiara and a posh Gucci hand bag for a fabulously fierce night on the town. Me-ow! You go, glamor girl!
Someone texting- Plz make sure u pic up turkey brest. Maker sure butc her has boner. I mean boner. I mean de-bone it. Dam autocorrect!! ;) OMG! WTF! LOL!
Liberal Arts Commercial Announcer- Big men! Holding clipboards! Writing things down! Making important decisions in a retail environment! This can be you with a degree in Liberal Arts. With your career as a manager at Starbucks, you won't be cleaning the coffee urns, you'll be telling someone else to do it. To find out more, email DeVry University now for a free brochure.
My Mother- Careful sleeping next to the Christmas tree, you might wrap the lights around your neck and pull the tree down on yourself in your sleep. Though you might like that. You always were a strange kid. I read in the papers you kids are into that auto-erotic asphyxiation I've heard about on Oprah. And would it kill you to make me some grandchildren? I push you out of my womb 41 years ago and I get nothing in return. Your brother is a big homo from all that lavender shampoo he used in college, so him I understand...but you have no excuse. And why did you bring us Indian food? You know those people put something in there that gives your poor father the flaming shits!
Terrible Goth Poetry Writer- My bitter sorrow, my soul black as night, my veins yearn to be opened. The dismal abyss of being utterly alone. A cloak of black velvet and skin as white as milk, my eager neck yearns for your fangs in the midnight hour. Ennui, melancholy. Nothing on TV.
Vince Offer, prostitute hitting pitchman for Shamwow and Slap Chop- It slices! It dices! It'll clean up midget blood and dolphin snot right off your boat. It'll hold 20 times its weight in dog vomit. You can't do that with a regular paper towel. Are you getting this camera guy? Virtually dry on the bottom! If you call now, cuz I can't do this all day, you'll get not one, but seven for the low, low price of $19.95. You'd be rock stupid not to buy this product! You're gonna love my nuts!
A weightlifter blasting his quads at the gym- GGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAA! FEEL THE BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNN!
The Pilsbury Doughboy in the oven- AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! THE BUUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNN!
Black Eyed Peas- Here we go, here we go Satellite radio Y'all getting hit with(Boom boom)Beats so big I'm steppin on leprechauns Shitin' on y'all you with the(Boom boom)
Shitin' on y'all you with the (Boom boom)Shitin' on y'all you with the..This beat be bumpin' bumpin' This beat go boom boom!
Instruction Writer for all things made in China- insert Tab A into tab 3. Fold in to happy surprise. Glue at 100 degrees center. floating blades to much big mess. Keep fingers away from children.Deny eating batteries.
A pervy old lady with a husky smoker's voice hitting on you at a bar- Hey kid, c'mere. I got kids your age. Come sit here next to Mamma. Listen, I ain't much to look at anymore but I can still do the mattress mambo with the best of 'em. Plus I can't get pregnant no more, what with the menopause, so you can have your fill. I'm like a barren wasteland down there. Come put your hand in Mamma's pocket. Oh, shit yeah, that's nice! Guess what. That wasn't my pocket. Hah! Gotcha! Hey, where you going? C'mere you little shit!
Phew, I'm back! Is that all of them? Man, I'm glad I used those other writers, otherwise I would have never have made it. Well tune in next month to... What? One more? Late entry? Ok. Um. If you had a bad holiday break, it either means you've received one of my letters or Santa didn't make it to your house cuz he's driving a Mazda Cosmo as built by Rolic. And its stuck in the snow. Yeah those things will do that.
Ok. Is that all of them now? Phew! How'd you like those other writers? Its a safe bet that either we lost the very few readers we had, or gained a whole bunch more who were keywording naughty phrases like "pervy", "prostitute" and "leprechaun". Wow, this was like the crassest, nastiest roundup ever! Will I follow suit again next month? You'll just have to wait and see. But the challenge is called Designing The Ralston Tiger... all about dreaming up concept vehicles from scratch. What is the Ralston Tiger? Is it a fuel efficient family sedan? A sleek concept racer? A log hauler? Its all what you make of it and the sky is the limit when dreaming up your own concept ideas. There's a a whole lot of nothing going on right now, but we'll see how the month pans out. God forbid we don't have any entries. That would be a sad month indeed. So please build something. Please give me a reason to write the phrase "it'll hold 20 times its weight in dog vomit" again. Please? Until next time, always keep fingers away from children and deny eating batteries!
Posted by Lino M