Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Let's Break Some Records...Roundup

This month in a challenge we call Let's Break Some Records, we took a look at record breaking automobiles...you know, fastest, smallest, tallest, most fuel efficient, etc. I also experimented with my "powers of suggestion". Let me explain. When you tell someone NOT to think about say...an all naked pie eating contest, it is virtually impossible not to think about doing your taxes. See what I did there? In the challenge write up, I suggested that Annie Hawkins has a world record you boys would probably like to look up and Jonah Falcon has a world record you guys definitely do NOT want to look up. By your lack of reaction, it seems no one took me up on that. This is why I will suggest it several more times in this roundup. I also suggested that we'd have the most record-breaking-ist challenge EVAR! How'd we do? Let's find out, shall we?

Paying absolutely no mind to Annie Hawkin's amazing world record, Ralph Savelsberg instead is the first to pound out his very own record breaking entry by building Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Aside from having the silliest name ever, this car happens to be the most expensive prop for a theatre show, costing 750,000 plus a little symbol American computers don't have, coupled with my complete inability to look it up.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Proving he's no Jonah Falcon, Ralph instead comes back later in the challenge with this 1992 GM  Ultralite concept car. It was featured in Demolition Man and was the first four-passenger internal combustion engine car to be able to drive 100 miles per gallon (under favorable circumstances). It is safe to say, favorable conditions would not include having Annie Hawkins in the passenger seat. Just sayin'.

Demolition Man GM Ultralite

Peter Blackert is clearly no Jonah Falcon as evidenced by this Ferrari 488 GTB, that happens to have the highest torque output of any road-going Ferrari. And he mumbled something about being the first to render LEGO cars like hours or minutes after they're revealed in real life. Jonah Falcon would obviously make no such claims because of...um...the other world record he holds.

Ferrari 488 GTB (Geneva 2015)

In a decidedly un-Jonah Falcon-like move, Peter pounds out three 1934-36 452-Series (and 1937 Series 90) V16 Cadillacs in a row, one green, one red, one blue. They hold the records for longest overall length, longest wheelbase,  and heaviest curb weight. Still, these Caddies have nothing on Annie Hawkins.

Cadillac 1934 452D V16 Custom Roadster

Cadillac 1934 452D V16 Convertible-Coupe

Cadillac 1934 452D V16 Convertible-Sedan

Ask yourself, what would Annie Hawkins do? If you said she'd build the 1976 Cadillac Series 75, which is the world's longest production car with the largest ever production car V8 Engine, you'd be dead wrong.

Cadillac 1976 Series 75 Limousine

Pounding out yet another Cadillac, Peter this time tackles the Cadillac 1915 Type 51 Tourer, which is the first production car V8 engine. Holy crap, I just discovered who Honey Boo Boo was! Why hasn't somebody put a stop to this nonsense years ago?!

Cadillac 1915 Type 51 Tourer

Cadillac also launched the first production V16 engine in 1930, which means nothing when you consider Honey Boo Boo's mom looks just like Jabba the Hutt. They even have side-by-side photos of her and Jabba and the resemblance is uncanny. Go ahead, check it out! I'll wait.

Cadillac 1930 452A V16 Rollston Convertible-Coupe

Cadillac 1930 452A V16 Fleetwood Limousine (Chassis 700280)

See what I mean? Right?! Proving he's nothing at all like Jonah Falcon, Peter launches 10 versions of the same Bugatti Veyron, thus creating a personal record for building the most versions of one car which would have been broken at like three. It is also the fastest production car with the highest rate of acceleration. Where's the microscopic version and the actual size version?

Bugatti Veyron Super Sport (Multiscale: 1:15, 1:18, 1:21, 1:24, 1:28, 1:37, 1:42, 1:48, 1:65, 1:85)

The 1931 Marmon V16 set the benchmark for the class for engine power, smoothness and pretty much any other parameter at the time. This means nothing considering Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her big bare ass. Literally broke the internet for like seven hours. I'd like to see you do that, Peter!

Marmon S I X T E E N - Rumble-Seat Coupe - 1933 + 491 CID V16

Speaking of breaking the internet, Annie Hawkins did not build this 1960 Imperial. However, a gal like her might appreciate the fact that this particular vehicle has the largest tailfins of any production car ever. Whaddya think, Annie? Hmmmm, she tells me she's more of a headlights kind of girl. Good to know.

Imperial 1960 LeBaron

In fact, the more Peter posts these, the more I'm convinced he's not like Jonah Falcon. Jonah Falcon has no time to render so many LEGO cars what with the world record he holds that you guys definitely DO NOT want to look up, so don't get that god damned idea in your heads! This
1966 Volvo P1800 Coupe, however sports the most miles of any other vehicle on earth-3,000,000 miles (4,800,000 km).

Volvo P1800 Coupe (1966 - Irv Gordon)

Wow! That is A LOT of miles! Let's see if I can effectively get the same mileage out of Annie Hawkins/ Jonah Falcon jokes. Yeah, I'm doubting it too. Senator Chinchilla built what he thinks to be the weirdest Volkwagen Golf Mk1. It's a hot rod thingy.

Volkswagen Golf Rat Rod

With German efficiency, Pascal pounds out the lunar rover, the first human operated vehicle on the moon. Yeah, that was 1971. If I'm not mistaken, I believe Annie Hawkins sat in the driver's seat while Jonah Falcon rode shotgun. Honey Boo Boo tagged along in the back seat next to Kim Kardashian. My facts are impeccable, so you don't have to look that up or anything.

Moon Rover

This 1986 Suzuki Samurai built by Lino Martins gets totally high! As in altitude. It holds the record for highest peak achieved in a car. Why no Annie Hawkins/ Jonah Falcon jokes here? Its because I'm already painfully aware of both of them, thus the power of suggestion is useless on me. So in that regard, just like Mary Poppins, I am practically perfect in every way.

Record Breaking Suzuki Samurai

But somebody who could use a good dose of Jonah Falcon and/or Annie Hawkins is Fe2cruz. Why this record breaking Thrust SSC would intimidate even Jonah Falcon if he saw this thrusting at him faster than the speed of sound. He only holds one world record, but man, its a doozie!

Thrust SSC profile

Speaking of guys who only have one of something, Lance Armstrong would totally appreciate this McLean Monowheel. Don't get the reference? He has one nut, this has one wheel. What? Its brilliant! Shut up! I'd like to see you knuckleheads come up with something better!

Rocket Roadster Panda Precision

And maybe Sam has. When you dish out as much gruff at the expense of others as I do, I'm bound to get some of it back. He has built the tiny Peel P50 and has teamed up with Peter to render a hilarious version of me that is even stubbier than my already admittedly...stubby self. What can I say? I 'm a short bastard and I look like a cartoon character. Great work, boys!

Hmm...I'll take the taxi.

And what a great way to close out this roundup! I dole out a bunch of senseless crap, someone else dishes it in return, now all is right with the world, circle of life and all that. How did we do for making this the most record-breaking-est round up ever? Meh. But perhaps we'll have a chance to make some ripples with next month's challenge. It's called Over A Million, Under a Thousand...all about cars, trucks, and bikes costing...you guessed it, over a million or under a thousand American dollars, Euros, British Pounds, Pesos...or whatever passes for Canadian wampum buck. I'm guessing beaver skins. And speaking of skinned beavers, it'll be like getting the Kim Kardashians of the world in the same room with say, your typical welfare recipient. I can't see how that can go wrong. So come back next month for a roundup that is sure to be chock full of pampered debutants and government hand outs. I ain't gonna lie, I love me some government cheese! See ya next time.





Saturday, February 21, 2015

A Tale Of Two Rivals Roundup

There are some famous rivals in this world: Coke vs. Pepsi. Democrats vs. Republicans. Thomas Edison vs. Nicola Tesla. Lindsay Lohan vs. Sobriety. Bruce Jenner vs....his identity. So many rivalries...so many conflicts. Without them we'd have no wars or lawsuits...and lions and zebras would coexist in peace, drinking side-by-side at the same water hole and probably inviting each other over for tea and crumpets or something. As enticing as all those John Lennon songs may be, we simply cannot live in a world without conflict, without rivals...its just wired into our primal core. Adding to the heap, are two fictional rival car clubs in a little roundup for a challenge we call A Tale of Two Rivals. Both are equally as awesome, but The Eastern Rebels use a dark gray, black and yellow color scheme while The Western Outlaws use tan, black, and red. How did they do? I think it'll be almost as compelling at the famous rivalry between Britney Spears and her missing panties, except without all the blurred photos. So sit back, pour yourself a vodka tonic, and stop looking at milfs in yoga pants for five goddamned minutes and enjoy our non-blurred, non-pixelated roundup.

 Veeborg muscles in early with a quick right hook and this 1935 Auburn 851SC Boattail Speedster, thereby making The Western Outlaws look pretty darned good right now.

Auburn front views

Without a rebel in sight, The Western Outlaws deliver a left jab and another powerful right hook with the first of many entries by Peter Blackert, this one a Typ-939 Alfa Romeo Spider. This looks deadly! Where are the Rebels? I haven't seen an early defeat like this since 9AM this morning when I said to hell with my diet and had a glazed donut!

Alfa Romeo Typ-939 Spider (Redback)

But wait, the Eastern Rebels are in the running! They come in with a powerful left hook and two quick right jabs with this 2015 Ford GT Supercar Concept Racer Edition. Other customizing houses are sure to follow in releasing their own 'enhanced' GT Supercars, but the Eastern Rebels can say they did it first!

GT Concept Racer - 2015 (Eastern Rebels Custom)

Proving he doesn't play favorites, Peter comes back with a track-focused edition of the wildest V12-engined Ferrari yet, a 2014-reveal Ferrari LaFerrari FXX K for the Outlaws. This rivalry is proving to be as epic a battle as that movie Alien Vs. Predator.

Ferrari LaFerrari FXX K (abu Dhabi 2014)

Coming in like an acid spitting raging bull, Lino Martins drops in with the meanest, craziest vintage salt flat racer you'll ever see...a '56 Ford Wagon Drag Racer called "Double-Trouble" with Eastern Rebel colors and with not one, but two supercharged eight cylinder engines!

1956 Ford…Double-Trouble

Not to be outdone, Peter comes back and sinks his claws in deep as part of a buddy team challenge with Lino with this two-engined, Western Outlaw counterpart, a 1958 Ford Ranchero Coupe-Utility appropriately called "Loaded Weapon"!

Ford 1958 Ranchero Twin-engined Custom (Loaded Weapon)

Peter shows us that sometimes the biggest guns come in the littlest packages. This Western Outlaw Mini Cooper sure packs a punch, just like Ike Turner! Yikes, that was rude, even for me! Sorry, Tina. Love ya, baby.

Mini - Western Outlaws (New Mini Mk III - 2015)

Seems Tina has got some sass of her own with a dizzying bitchslap across Ike's smug mug in the form of this Peter-built Mercedes-Benz W176 A 250 Sport all done up in Eastern Rebels dark gray, yellow and black.

Mercedes-Benz A 250 Sport (Eastern Rebels Custom - 2015)

And just to make sure Ike got the message through his thick skull, Tina (and Peter) comes back with a walloping haymaker and another victory for the Rebels in the form of this 2014 Chevy Corvette C7.R racer.

Chevrolet Corvette C7.R Racer

 Not to be outdone, the Outlaws come back with a 2014 Dodge SRT Viper GTS-R. Wow, I haven't seen family abuse like this since the Manson family! What? Too soon?

Dodge SRT Viper GTS-R Racer (2014 - Western Outlaws)

 And speaking of murderous rampage, The Outlaws drop another A-Bomb with this fictional 2015 Ford Falcon GT-X. This battle is as bloody as when the Romans unleashed lions on the Christians. What? Too soon? Do the Rebels even have a chance?

Ford FGX Falcon GT-X (2015)

Turns out they do! With a flare for rivalry and theatrics, Peter pounds out a left hook and a powerful uppercut with the other Australian champion car, this 2015 Holden HSV GTS for the Rebels. I am dizzy from all this fighting, and so is Peter. He is done and down for the count.

HSV GTS (2015 - Eastern Rebels)

But it seems there are some other LUGNuts chock full of piss and vinegar and raring to go! Chrisbuilds packs a dizzying wallop, another for the Rebels, this time in the form of a '41 Show Rod on a turntable. Consider me breathless!

'41 Show-Rod

Chris tags Tim Inman into the ring and he comes out swinging with a 1953 Dodge Power Wagon with Willock Swivel Frame. A rare beast indeed and it marks a third victory in a row for the rebels. Do we have a knockout?

1953 Dodge Power Wagon with Willock Swivel Frame

Not just yet! Vinny Turbo proves the Outlaws still have a little fight left with this cute little VTS Edge. Its like they let loose a little firecracker into the ring.

https://flic.kr/p/qFP6GZ

Little firecracker to be followed by an atom bomb for the Outlaws. They and Vinny Turbo are back in this fight with this stunning  Netherlands made Donkervoort S8A, refurbished into something called a W.Ows H7O Hyper Seven Orgasmo. I'm pretty sure I just had a hyper seven orgasmo!

https://flic.kr/p/q8r8Us

Yeah, inevitable joke. Two weeks late for the party but still pretty awesome is this one last jab by the Eastern Rebels in the form of this Coyote Hot Rod built by Zenn. Sometimes that bomb goes off a little later than expected and takes the opposing team out by surprise.

https://flic.kr/p/qda3uF

That is the end of our epic rivalry and the end of our roundup. How did our two teams do? Well, if you went by the amount of entries alone and count them as punches...I checked the stats. I checked them twice. Even checked them thrice. Outlaws 9 entries. Rebels 8. The Western Outlaws have won this fight by one punch! Bet you didn't know this was gonna be a contest. It wasn't originally but I couldn't resist tallying them up. Now you can go back to looking at milfs in yoga pants. I know, I know, five minutes without them was pure hell. And while you're at it, you might want to check out our new challenge called Let's Break Some Records. Whether yours be the world's longest limousine or the best selling truck in the Philippines, this challenge is all about record breaking vehicles. Expect the roundup to be chock full of record breaking bad jokes. See ya then. Until next time, get the hell off my lawn! Except you milfs...you can stay.








Friday, January 30, 2015

Steampunk Motorworks Roundup

MAD magazine affectionately calls their staff, "The Usual Gang of Idiots". We have our own usual gang of idiots...me, Tim, Ralph, Peter, Raphy, Sam...sometimes Nathan...and all eight of our followers...all a bunch of regular idiots with nothing better to do but to hang around here, build cars (sometimes) and maybe laugh at a few of my dumb jokes. Then I had a brilliant idea...or so it seemed at the time. My friend, silent LUGNut, and all around steamy load, Guy Himber just wrote a book on Steampunk LEGO. If I had a challenge tie-in called Steampunk Motorworks, his influence would bring in...an unusual gang of idiots...and then we all bask in the fame, glory, and sex that only Steampunk can bring! Sounds great, right? How'd that go? Still awaiting the fame, glory, and sex...but we did succeed in bringing in a couple of new and unusual idiots. Will they stick around? If they prove to be one-trick ponies and/or read this roundup, then probably not. As an added bonus, since Steampunk is such a steamy endeavor, I will write this roundup in the style of a bad erotic novelist. I can't see how that can go wrong! So pour yourself a Buttery Nipple, fetch yourself a soft and clean sock (you'll thank me later!) and prepare to have yourself blown. Your minds, that is. Minds blown. Not...never mind.

Peteris Sprogis rings our doorbell early and inserts his throbbing manhood into our firm, yet yielding challenge in the form of this hot and steamy Riga Steam.Works Machine1. It is apparently the very thing that all the Latvian ladies dream about as evidenced by its rather phallic shape. Soak it in, Latvian ladies!

Riga.Steam.Works- MACHINE_1

Over to Germany where they know all about pleasing the ladies with quick and concise German efficiency, Pascal asks the steamy question...What is better than one boiler? Two. Indeed. He answered his own question. Told ya Germans were efficient. Check out the hot, throbbing boilers on that beauty!

Model 2S

Voodoom heats up our frosty winter nights with this steamy, hot...The Snowmobile. Apparently this saucy strapless number pipes scalding hot steam directly into the cabin, keeping the driver cozy and scorched. Now that is hot!

snowmobile2

No stranger to hot, steamy Steampunk nights...possibly alone...is new guy Dwalin Forkbeard and this hybrid of a 1930 Henderson and a Honda Joker. I looked up both bikes, they exist and they are 50 shades of awesome!

Victorian Henderson

AadenH leaves a Snail Trail everywhere he goes. Not sure how that is erotic, but anyway...in an otherwise steamy Steampunk roundup, this low and blown ratrod is our dirty, filthy, shameful, sexy, slutty little secret.

Photo not available. :P

Peter Blackert knows that the postman always rings twice...or in his case nine times. If the movie holds any truth, its once to deliver your mail and once again to have a go with your Mrs. Peter demonstrates his ability as a repeat offender with this first of many entries, this one inspired by Mikhail Smolyanov's real life rides.

ARX-4 Steampunk Concept Motorcycle (Mikhail Smolyanov - 2012)

 Using a little more imagination (but not much, he says), Peter delights your Mrs. again with this titillating Steampunk interpretation of a 1960s era Formula racer in passionate blue and lusty red.

Lord Magnus Racing - #49

The farmer's daughter never looked so good...nor hard working. This saucy red Royal Express - Heavy Steam Traction Engine will plow any willing and eager crevasse with reckless abandon. And also your fields.

Royal Express - Heavy Steam Traction Engine

Here in steamy hot and sweaty Steampunk fashion is the alternative universe Ralston Steam Dragon. Funny, had I have written a third Ralston vehicle challenge it totally would have been a Dragon. I still might someday.

Ralston Steam Dragon Public Car

Peter thrusts hard and gets in good with some real live artists, in this case, famous French illustrator, Phillipe Bouchet (aka Manchu), with his rendition of Manchu's Steam Car. That's because he contacts them whenever he renders any of their work...a smart idea that can only lead to good things.

Manchu Steam Car (Philippe Bouchet aka Manchu)

 Peter rings again with another Mikhail Smolyanov creation, this time his Steam-Powered Land-Yacht. I didn't know it at the time, but Mikhail inspired my Copperhead of several challenges back, and he may have very well inspired this challenge. (hear that, Himber!) Maybe I should contact him and show him this steamy roundup. On second though, maybe I shouldn't.

Steampunk Steam-Powered Road-Yacht (Mikhail Smolyanov - 2014)

Yearning for more, your Mrs. begs for Peter to stop in yet again and this time he delivers a 1925 Doble E18 Murphy Limousine right across her eager, insatiable, upturned mouth. Wait what? Who writes this stuff?!

Doble E-Series E18 Murphy Limousine - 1925

Next the man-slab known as Peter erupts with this Steampunk Rolls-Royce Vintage Steam Explorer for our collective eager, insatiable, upturned mouths . This model is a variation of the Lego Hobby Series 1909 Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost, set # 395.

Rolls-Royce Vintage Steampunk Explorer

And finally, Peter pleases your Mrs. with this E20 Roadster, previously owned by Howard Hughes. Hey, at least Peter only visited your Mrs. nine times, as opposed to other challenges, which would have been like 40. By that point you could safely say the Mrs. you think you know is really up to no good at all. Or chock full of good, depending on your point of view.

Doble E-Series E20 Roadster - 1925

The 1970's was all about key parties, swinger's clubs, braless-ness, big mustaches, hot tubs...and also the Bond Bug microcar. The 1870's, however, if all those Jane Austen novels are accurate, were all about enticing the boys with just a tiny flash of ankle from beneath billowing Victorian hoop skirts. And this steam-powered Bond Bug as built by Yann.

A Steampunked Lego Bond Bug ...

Tim Inman unzips his pants and unleashes this hot, steamy, monstrous, brown load. Wait, what? I was trying to be all erotic there and boy, oh boy did that ever turn out wrong! Note to self: When writing erotic fiction, exclusion of the word "brown" would change the meaning entirely.

Steampunk Jeep Forward Control

But it's hard to write about Steampunk and not include mention of the ubiquitous brown as part of the color palate. Unless, of course, you're Lino Martins with this throbbing big, black monster. Because everyone knows, the black ones are always bigger.

Lucifer's Advocate

Get the Vaseline blurred lens, scores of scented candles, and a washed up 80's actress. Vinny Turbo goes all softcore Steampunk on us with this Bentrolls S Cloud in lovely not-brown, nor black, but a demure, yet alluring tan...appropriate for late night free cable but if you want the hard stuff you gotta pay for the premium channels.

Photo not available. :P

Vinny Turbo always rings twice and leaves us all quivering in a pool of our own seething desire as evidenced by this Six Wheeler from the "Epoque III" of the Steampunk Era. Its 50 shades of Vinny Turbo-tastic!

Photo not available. :P

Speaking of seething desire, the man-slab known as Ralph Savelsberg pounds out Nero's six-wheeled monster from that movie The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. When they say extraordinary, they must mean their ungentlemanly prowess with the ladies. Guess what ladies, Ralph is single...and probably will be for the rest of his life.

Photo not available. :P

Finally Captainsmog flexes his rock hard rippling Steampunk biceps and exposes us to the Brickish "Speed Demon MK.3", which is the first competitor in the famous 24 Hours of Steam. He finishes us all of and leaves us satisfied in a hot, breathy mess.

Photo not available. :P

Is that all of them? Yes it is. How'd we do? Well, I tried to be all bad erotic novelist about it but since we're all a bunch of dudes, the prose was all about rock hard biceps, throbbing manhood, and hot steamy loads...but no mention whatsoever of a woman's lustful lips, swelling breasts, and generous, curvy hips. As a result, I have inadvertently wrote the most testosterone fueled homoerotic roundup EVAR! Thanks, Himber, you jack wagon! Its all your fault. So if you're gay...you're welcome. The rest of youse can get the hell off my lawn, but be sure to some on back next month when we tackle a challenge called A Tale of Two Rivals...all about two equally awesome fictional car clubs who use different but equally awesome color schemes. Pretty much the sky is the limit, so will yours be a showstopping concept racer or a vintage dragster? Guess you'll have to tune in next month, same rock hard time, same rock hard channel. Oh and...um...I told you you'd thank me about the sock. Its actually a good thing we only have eight readers. Any more, and we would have been banned ages ago.