Toyota Tacoma Time...Roundup

Who has love for the Toyota Tacoma? According to this month's challenge called Toyota Tacoma Time, in spite of my best intentions, it turns out not many of us do. You see, it was one of them weird challenges where everyone builds the same damn thing, but for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a pogo stick, they had all better be different. We could have built any year Tacoma,even its precursor, the indestructible Hilux, and thus this offered opportunities for lots of customization. There were not a lot of entries, but as for Jesus, Mary, and Joseph hopping merrily along, they can all take solace in knowing that at least they were all different. Let's show ya what I mean, shall we?

Even if a lot of people don't come to the party, you can always count on Peter Blackert to bring the chips, dip, guacamole, beer, entertainment, music...and strippers. First the chips as represented by this 2013 Toyota Tacoma TRD T|X Baja Edition. Its red and comes with a neat diorama. If I've said this once, I'll say it a thousand times...its all about the tan bushes. Wait, what?



Next on the Peter slab, he brings the dip...or in this case the yellow and white Disney/Pixar - 'Toy Story' - Pizza Planet Delivery Hilux. The details are awesome, including the Pizza Planet rocket on the roof and the "YO" on the tailgate.



Did someone say kumquats? No? Never say kumquats in Peter's presence. But he did bring the guacamole...and also a Toyota Tacoma Double Cab 4x4 Custom with matching yacht and trailer. Our strict automotive rules makes it so you can't build boats...unless said boat is a '72 Buick Riviera or being towed by some sort of car, truck or bike. Then its welcome aboard, sailor! I like boats. Ya'll should build more. Just sayin'.



A friend indeed is the friend that brings the beer. Or also the Toyota Tacoma Single Cab Pickup in dark tan complete with diorama and dark tan bush. That's cool too. But definitely the beer is essential to any party.



Next Peter brings the entertainment...and nothing is more entertaining than an Aussie building a Captain America inspired Toyota Tacoma monster truck. Guess what. This was precisely what I would have built had I not built a snowplow. No seriously, a monster truck called Captain America was my second choice, but that would have involved opening a rare Technic set for the monster tires and acquiring the stupid Cap America Hero Factory fig for the shield. Almost!



But, as the Highlander says, there can only be one...so thankfully there was only one Toyota FJ cruiser...really a Tacoma in weirder clothing. This would satisfy the music portion of the party analogy, but does it satisfy the need to get everyone on the dance floor? Its like expecting throbbing dance beats and instead somebody brings Slim Whitman.



But strippers make any party so much better...even if said stripper is in the form of a single cab version of the Toyota Tacoma at 1:28 scale. Never in my entire life would I predict I'd type the above sentence, but writing the monthly roundups is all about surprises. That and kumquats. And occasionally telling the Lansing Lugnuts to go get bent. Thanks, Peter. Thanks for bringing up that old can of worms.



See, he builds a blue Tacoma and suddenly I'm picking a beef with an entire minor league softball team...again. Lino Martins (hey, that's me!)builds a Tacoma snowplow and suddenly I want to skin an Ewok alive. Why? Well, duh! That should be obvious. The color scheme and function of this industrious plow was inspired by the Star Wars Snowspeeder, which makes me realize an Ewok would make a nice handbag.



Pretty obvious now, right? This is why Raphy presents two very obvious choices for his entries. You see, when you have a Toyota Tacoma, you're faced with two very obvious choices. Either make yours into a Baja Racer...or a bunny. I can assure you, many a night of sleep was lost waffling between these two choices. The dilemma can bring a grown-ass man to tears, lemme tell ya.



This quick cartoonish build as rendered by LegoNoitAllMOCs makes me want to punch Howie Mandel in the balls, but that correlation should be so obvious that it doesn't require further explanation. But what confuses me still is; is this builder a "know it all" or a "no it all"? Was that like a misspelling or was it on purpose? Will I ever dislodge my fist from this Pringles can? I think not.



Lastly, Rolic is a man of very few words with his entry. He just tells us its black and lime with a dark red interior. That's it. So its up to me to come up with the rest. Um...so...here's a question. If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would you eat yourself? I think we all know the answer to that.



So that brings us to the logical conclusion of this roundup. It was short and sweet and thus will give me more time to paint, build, read, walk the dog, or do whatever. Cool. But tune in next month when we go Behind The Iron Curtain in a roundup all about vehicles manufactured or associated with Communist countries. Between current and former Communist regimes, about 30 nations fit the bill so it should be interesting to see how it all turns out. I don't know about you, but I'll be waiting patiently with baited breath.Under the cover of night. And a bear trap. And a pile of leaves. Cuz Howie Mandel would be hard to capture otherwise. Cripes, do I need to explain the obvious to you people?! Anyway, we'll see ya next time. Take your beer and close the fridge on the way out and tell the stripper I love her.

Mad Motor Skills...Roundup

I have what every man could ever want. And no, I don't mean a broken neck and a mustache. Although that would be sweet. I have a good job, good home, good girlfriend, good dog...oh and recognition from my heroes. Lemme explain. I was at Emerald City Comicon last weekend and there I met Coop, who is one of my fave artists of all time. He's rather lowbrow, so don't go looking him up at work or around kids, but his work has been pretty influential around the hot rod scene. Anyway, I go up to him, trying not to be a fanboy and trying to play it cool but my hands were shaking a little. And I says...hey Coop. Hows it going? I'm a big fan of yours and one of your flickr contacts. One of millions, I'm sure. He says...yeah, actually. So I says...I just sort of build these...uh...you know...LEGO custom cars and hot rods. Its just some thing I do. Then he says...oh, you were that guy in the documentary, right? My face brightens. Well...yeah!, I says. Then he says...yeah, I follow your work and a few other LEGO guys. Then he told me a few things about myself that made me realize he really does follow my work and he wasn't just patronizing me. So then we exchanged autographs. I gave him a signed Lino Studs card. And he...well, he didn't exactly give me his book. I paid $40 for it. But he did sign it. So there you have it. I have recognition from the king of lowbrow art and and a great LEGO car club full of guys with Mad Motor Skills. See how I slipped in the name of the challenge there? It was all about engines and I gotta say, the build and photo quality on most of these entries are top notch. I'm proud of you guys. The engines look prettier than even I thought they would be. lets see what I mean, shall we? And here's to very important people knowing who we are and what we do.

Surely some very important people know about Ralph Savelsberg, and for good reason. He shows us all how this challenge is done with this Man TGX truck...and while the rest of us were dreaming up ways to build a big honkin' V-8, Ralph illustrates a diesel V-6. A big honkin' diesel V-6 nonetheless. The crate palate adds an extra touch of realism to the whole shebang.





No custom hot rod pickup would be complete without a V-8 engine the size of a grand piano...as demonstrated by drdesignz. Just like DoktorZapp, drdesignz is a real doctor and therefor qualified to have a look at this lump on my neck. Give it to me straight, doctor. How long do I have to live?





Not a real doctor but still with pickup trucks on the brain is AadenH and his 1979 Datsun 620 with a N/A L20B engine. This custom candy apple red show truck sports a ground scraping stance and chrome bumpers, grille and rims. See, this is what the Europeans are missing over there...ground scraping stances that make a truck somehow way less practical. Its the American way.



The Bing-Bong Brothers built us a pretty sweet BMW M3 E92 and offers us not one, not two, but three custom choices for engines.From left to right we have the 4.0 liter, 400 horsepower high revving stock V8, the 502 supercharged big block American crate motor with over 1000 horsepower, and the 12 liter 1800 horsepower beast of a marine motor which barely fits in the engine bay at all. Tsk tsk...the very practical Germans would not approve.



While everyone else abides by the rules and built engines, Kin.lego says...whooo look at my red car! I can't believe how awesome I am with my awesome red car! Whooo-hooo, look at my red car! Live in fear of my red car, bitches! Whoooo! Yeah! I'm king of the world! Whoooo! ...Aaaaaand not an engine in sight. Someone wasn't paying attention. You broke the internet, Kin.lego. Total bummer, dude. Total bummer.



Luckily, Peter Blackert was not only paying attention, but he also presented a whole slew of totally awesome renders. The first being a 2008 Ford FPV FG Falcon with a 4.0 Turbo, 310 kW, which incidentally Peter had a hand in designing in real life. I cram a bunch of greebly bits into an engine and hope for the best whereas Peter knows what all them greebly bits do.



Peter is a Ford engineer, and a good sport. Knowing full well the competition also has a little something to write home about, he presents us the 2014 Chevrolet SS Sedan with its 450 horsepower V LT1 V8 engine. Let us bask in the glory that is a Ford engineer building something beautiful for Chevy. Sort of gets you right in the breadmaker, don't it?



But back to Ford, long before any of us were alive, some Ford engineer designed the 1957 Ford Fairlane Hardtop equipped with a red 292 CID 'Thunderbird' V8. Peter renders the feat nicely with his third entry. Ain't them colors purdy?



That tall brillo-haired Jeremy guy on Top Gear hates all American cars...except for the Ford GT as pictured here next to its 5.4 DOHC Supercharged V8. Ford builds a 100th anniversary car and Peter makes this his 100th Ford presented on Flickr. Now that is just too perfect.



Peter's penultimate entry (look it up, kids!) goes real oldschool with this stunning 1931 Marmon S I X T E E N - Victoria Club Coupe posed beside a 491 CID, 45 degree V16 engine. Man, is it just me, or are all these renders totally top notch? Those are computer generated renders, not photographs. Talk about Mad Motor Skills!



And last on the Peter slab is the new Ferrari...uh...LaFerrari with a 6.3 litre V12 KERS engine or Kinetic Energy Recovery System - kind of like a hybrid. Wow, the Italian automakers made their car sound French somehow. Kinda like a pizza baguette. Remember LeCar from like three decades ago? Well this is exactly like that. Exactly.



Dylan Denton loves a MOPAR. But then again, who doesn't? He likes the bright orange Chrysler 440 "Six-Pack" power plant in an otherwise...uh...not-orange car...in this case a white'69 Plymouth Roadrunner. Its like a six pack of Orange Crush stored under your hood. Or something.



Forget the V-6, forget the V-8. The V-12 all y'all cram into a Lambo and think its the bee's knees is merely pathetic child's play. You may as well just go home now. Because to haul 600 tons of TechnicNick built mining machinery plus an equal amount of payload, you're gonna need a monstrous V-20 the size of a city bus. Or the size of a VW bus. Or the size of a bread basket. Or a kumquat. Actually I don't know how big they are. Either way, they crank out an awesome 3500 horsepower!



Legotrucks lives up to his name with this highly detailed, chrome-laden Kenworth K100 posed next to a CAT 3408 V8 engine...in CAT yellow, of course. See, didn't I tell ya photo and build quality was going to be pretty stellar this month? These entries are so good I don't even have any jokes about paying for strange or time travel or anything. Its like I'm stumped.



This rat rod built by Mahjqa is a slight rule-bender, but the fully exposed engine makes it good enough for me. And it wouldn't be Mahjqa without it having some kind of power functions magic trickery going on. All it needs is a kumquat sitting behind the steering wheel. That should be mandatory for all builds.



What? I saw some kumquats at the grocery store and I thought they were the cutest little things ever. OK, so sue me! But I bet they're tasty. You'd have to juice like 300 of them to get the same amount of orange juice you'd get in a Vodka Screwdriver, but you know...probably worth it. Jonathan Derksen builds a Lancia Fulvia and asks "what more must be said?" I have just one word to add to that. Kumquats!



Rolic builds a totally non-kumquat related 2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee with a PowerTech 4.7 L V8 engine. Man, just look at that grille! And that...uh...other grille right under the first one. Everything about this Jeep is pretty brilliant. I got nothing else to say. Other than, never commit a crime in front of somebody with a blurry face. Cuz you know they'll rat on ya on TV. And they seem to have impeccable memory for details.



No stranger to blurry-faced crime sprees is Loek1990 with his Mercedes SL65 Black Series with the 6.0 litre Biturbo V12. Those things had V-12's? Huh. You learn something new every day. I learned that midgets are littler than we are so therefore a lesser dose of chloroform is required, otherwise you kill the poor little bugger. Good to know.



No stranger to chloroform is LegoNoItAllMocs. Probably. Anyway, he goes and builds us a SnotRod from the Disney movie Cars. Its got flames and an engine and...um...yeah. So does this builder "know it all" or does he "no it all"? I'm a little confused on the matter. Does he say no to everything? Do you like ice cream? No. Do you like superheroes? No. Do you want to sniff this chloroform soaked rag? NO! Smart choice then.



Agent Who builds a wee little '49 Packard with a wee little engine. That engine is precisely the size of...um...whats that tiny little orange fruit? Tastes like tangerines? It would take like 300 of them to get enough juice to make a Vodka Screwdriver? You can eat the skins and all? What's it called? I'm drawing a blank here.



Tim Inman is smart. He reads books by...who's that wheelchair guy? Oh, right! Larry Flynt! Anyway, Tim builds us a rough and tumble Dartz Kombat MRAP posed next to a massive Hercules LDT-465 engine. It was from the movie Die Hard and was used to mow down college freshman or hippies or something. Why am I drawing a blank here? Oh right! Kumquats! I just completely brain-farted for like 10 minutes!



Speaking of brain farts, Lino Martins builds a boat. I know, I know...we're an automotive group and boats are prohibited...unless said "boat" is the '72 Buick Riviera in super '70's brown and lime. Then its "welcome aboard, matey!" A ship's wheel and swivel seats helps adhere to the boating theme while a big honkin' 455 Buick V-8 powers this land yacht along.



Planes are prohibited too. So sadly, even a well built model of the famous Red Baron triplane would have to be nixed from the challenge...unless it was a chrome-laden Harley Davidson FLH called Red Baron built by Bricksonwheels. Then its "welcome aboard, matey!" Or...uh..."Thank you for flying United." Or even "sit your ass down, sir before we call the federal marshal!" Whatever it is they tell you when boarding a plane.



I've even heard them say "this bathroom is for first class only, sir!" Anyway last month when we were all building the Ralston Tigers, each entry had to have the letter "X" somewhere in the design. I couldn't find Raphy's "X" for the life of me. Turns out, it was the engine...a Ralston Radial X-4. Its apparently not the first time someone has tried the radial X engine. Still, this is pretty crazy.



This challenge would be nothing without an engine name we can chuckle at. Thankfully, new guy Rhys' Pieces comes to our very last minute rescue with this Mazda RX-7 FD3S with a n/a 20b (1950cc) Wankel Rotary engine. (snickers) Yeah...Wankel Rotary! (snickers)Wankel Rotary! It sounds like the punchline to some phone prank. Excuse me, ma'am, is your refrigerator running? (snickers) It is? Then...uh...Wankel Rotary! Good bye! HAH HAH HAH!! Wait, that didn't make sense.



Boy, I gotta say, my prank calling days came to a screeching halt as soon as they invented Caller ID. And that also brings our challenge roundup to a screeching halt. How'd I do? I think the roundup could have used more jokes about dying grandfathers and the screaming passengers in their car...and I didn't even get a chance to joke about dog vomit. Maybe next time. Which brings us to...uh...next time. Its a challenge called Toyota Tacoma Time, and as the name implies, every swinging dingus in this group has to build a Toyota Tacoma...but for the love of God, they all better be different! Will yours be a hard working farm truck, a zombie killing apocalypse machine, or a Baja racer? I guess we'll have to tune in next time to see. Oh, by the way, I got the test results back from the doctor. That lump on my neck...just my adam's apple. Its supposed to be there. Totally normal. I guess I'll live on indefinitely. Good to know. So I'll see you next time then. And until next time...Wankel Rotary Kumquats!

Designing the Ralston Tiger Roundup

I'm just gonna come out and say it. I loathe Magic cards and sometimes even the people who play them. I'm also not into the Dungeons and Dragons role playing lot, either. I loathe their greasy hair, their pitted complexions, their slouched backs and their rotund bellies protruding out from under billowing piratey shirts. I can't stand their pompous way of speaking...I'm a level 14 Paladin with a charmed long sword of Karnath with a mastery level of 42 blabbity blabbity blah. You'll never, ever find me playing such a game where you battle opponents using a meticulously cultivated deck of cards. Never! Ever! Unless, of course, you swap out dwarfs and elves with superheroes, make it as a easy to learn app on your phone and call it Marvel War of Heroes. Then I'm in with both thumbs pressing the attack button! And God help the next level 43 Spiderman who thinks he can take me down! I am a level 46 Hulk-Buster Iron Man, goddamnit, and no one can mess with me. AND, I have not, one, not two, but all SIX Swords of Proficiency so y'all can just get bent! What? Was it something I said? OK, OK, I know I said I'd never play such a game but this is Marvel War of Heroes and...I don't know, they make it seem cool somehow. The charmed long sword of Karnath is waaaaay different from the Emerald Sword of Proficiency. One is dorky, the other is chock full of awesome...they're not even in the same boat! Plus I get gushy in the pants with anticipation over what new card will I get next. Will it be a super rare(Freedom's Friend)Captain America or an ultra rare(Enemy Inside)Hulk? You just never know. OK, who's the nerd now? Anyway, it seems we have a roundup to do. This one is called Designing the Ralston Tiger...all about designing the...uh...Ralston...Tiger. What is this Ralston Tiger we speak of? Its anything you want it to be. Its a concept vehicle you design from the ground up for the fictitious, yet highly affluent Ralston family. They only require the letter "X" somewhere in the design to honor their great, great grandfather Xavier Ralston...the rest is pretty much up to you. How did we do? lets check it on out, shall we?

Tim Inman shows us all how its done with his rendition of the Ralston Tiger...an orange and black mid-engine super car. Like a real tiger, this Ralston is known for its breath-taking agility and speed. This early in the roundup, I just don't have any jokes about Tim paying for strange. Guess we're gonna have to settle to enjoy this awesome car for awhile longer.



Lino Martins takes a page from Tim's mid-engine super car design book except its more of a black car with dark orange interior. The seats are attached to the suicide doors for easy egress...probably a first and maybe for good reason. Eerie orange light illuminates from within, which sort of looks like its breathing fire. It spawned jokes that I failed to build a tiger but succeeded at building a dragon.



The design required an "X" and Angka Utama finds a unique solution by making the entire frame in the shape of an "X" with this sleek racer. Xavier Ralston IV mans the helm. Or is it the wheel? Or joystick maybe? Or one of them racing steering wheel thingies that's shaped like a bow tie. What are they called?



Doesn't matter what they're called cuz Jonathan Derksen builds a Ralston Tiger that's part Deora, part super-car and part spacecraft. It has one seat, one V-12 engine...and that's it. I'm pretty sure it can make it across the salt flats in just seconds and from the looks of it can fertilize your girlfriend's eggs just as fast. What? Oh, c'mon, you can't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing! Look at it!



Peter Blackert adds some much needed class to this joint with the Ralston Tigre IV luxury hardtop coupe. Its a...get this,...gas turbine hybrid. That means its jet engine will scare the bejesus outta you and everyone on else within 12 city blocks while its accelerating and recharge its reserves while its idling. And the Ralston family coat-of-arms is a nice touch.



The details may be subtle at first, but Lichtblau exhibits some brilliant parts usage with an all-terrain Tiger. With working suspension and  several X's hidden throughout, this makes a nice addition to the Ralston line. Even the driver has the X blazoned on his helmet and torso.



Raphy's version of the Ralston Tiger comes with sensitive poetry by William Blake...something about Tiger, tiger burning bright and there once was a man from Nantucket...or something. The engine cover sports the family name in script and he challenges us to find the "X". I haven't found it. Cool car though.



Many of us were inspired by the real tiger in one way or another. But Rolic takes the challenge very literally and has actually used features from a real tiger to inspire his build. This rugged concept pickup features black and orange stripes, whiskers and a cute red nose. Awww how cute. A tiger's cute red nose is the reason many people die at zoos. True story, bro.



Speaking of zoos, Bad Furday returns to building with his rendition of the tiger. The X is very clearly depicted in red, while the rest is Ralston's answer to the Mazda Miata...Sporty, lightweight, and relatively inexpensive to own, as both a trackday car, or a daily driver. I learned that just now when I copy/pasted it.



Christophbrill gets a green place mat and a wrinkled blue sheet as his setting for his Tiger. It fits well in the highly competitive CSCUV (Compact Sport Crossover Utility Vehicle) market with the Ralston Tiger Kub. Nice.



Is that it? I think it is. This was thankfully a short write up, which gives me more time to slaughter Dr. Doom's minions. Plus there's a certain Level 48 Black Widow in New Orleans who could use a swift kick to the jimmy-junk. You know who you are, clownbarf77...if that's your real name. You played that Fatal Beauty stunt on me. Sure I was taken in my your boobies and your black jumpsuit...but did you have to rub it in my face by notably diminishing attack and defense of all my male cards? Its like you knew ahead of time my deck had more dudes in it than a YMCA locker room! And you're probably a sweaty fat dude in real life. I'll get you, my precious! But the fat Hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching. Wait, what? Lord of the Rings references?! Have I joined the myopic sweaty, unwashed nerdy masses and became a gamer? Or will I redeem my cool status as a hot rodder? You'll just have to stick around for next month's roundup to find out. Its called Mad Motor Skills and its all about engines, mostly. Should be fun. Until next time, I'm off to find Storm's Purple Cape of Improbability. Oh, and I've got a (Legal Eagle) She-Hulk I'm willing to trade for a (Logan's Spirit) Wolverine. Anyone? Anyone? Hello?

Space Is The Place...Roundup

Things are going well at my new job. Between making photocopies of my ass and complaining that the photocopier doesn't work, I have been given some very big important responsibilities. Turns out I have been deemed in charge of counseling problem students who have failed their classes. With my skull rings and scary-ass face, even I see the irony of them having to come to me once they've bombed an entire semester. And with my penchant for venomous writing, you can imagine the letters went something like this: Dear student. Guess who won't be having a good holiday break. You! You see, just before you unwrap that iphone you wanted, this letter will arrive informing you and yours that you're a huge dumbass. Way to fail all your classes, numbnuts! I mean seriously, you failed Intro To Ceramics! What were you thinking? You can't even make a lopsided bowl? If you're failing intro to anything you have got to be dumber than a bag of dicks! How's it feel to be a giant failure? When you return to school, you will be locked out of the building...a source of embarrassment, I'm sure. But then you'll have to have somebody buzz you in, then you'll come see my scary-ass face when I will then put my scary-ass signature on your form and maybe ridicule you some more. Intro to Ceramics?! Hah! Please find the enclosed photocopy of my ass to prove I mean business. Oh, and lest you think you can escape this, a copy of this letter was sent to your mom, your dear grandmother, and your girlfriend. Won't they have a conniption fit once they realize their darling student would rather hit the bong than hit the books? I bet mom will return that iphone you wanted. Your girlfriend will probably leave you for some big jock. Surely he has failed Intro to Ceramics too, but at least he's six feet of woman-pleasing man-slab while you're a sniffling worm. Anyway, see ya after break. Tootles! Your friend, Lino.

With that said, let's get to the roundup called Space Is The Place...all about out-of-this-world vehicles with outer space names!

LegoNoitAllMocs blasts off with a quite literal interpretation of the challenge and proves that space really is the place with this lunar rover. I hear the moon has all the best parking spaces. Providing you remember which crater you left it in.



Once we're finished playing golf on the moon, we're going to want to travel light years to play golf on distant planets. This is why Gilcelio launches an intergalactic rover called the Soyuz TMA-14. It features the first Brazilian in space...or...um...something.



If you wanted to feel the lunar wind in your hair while cruising the moon, as well as deep freeze and the inevitable explosion of your head caused by a lower gravity, then look no further than this Moon Rod as built by Jonathan Derksen. Now did we park it in the Sea of Tranquility or the Sea of Vapors?



No car has a spacier name than the 1974 Mercury Comet. But this spaced out classic by Lino Martins is made for the drag strip, not the moon. This retro ride holds a special place in my heart as it was my first car...except mine was crappy, and white and nowhere near this cool. But who needs trunk space and seating for five when you can have drag racing!



Forget Sputnik. Forget Saturn V. Forget Apollo 11. According to Raphy, The Space Race was actually conducted by Yuri Gagarin in a Soviet GAZ-Chaika while Neil Armstrong races along in the all American '57 Chevy. Raphy tells us "Wesołych świąt"! And also "VIVAT ROSSIYA!" And gesundheit to you, too, young man.



Would you like to terrorize a bunch of girls, then lead them into one of the most exhilarating car chases of all time until they eventually beat the living shit out of you? Then you might want to do it in this Deathproof Nova, as built by Lichtblau. It helps if you also have Kurt Russell hair.



It wouldn't be an intergalactic space themed build challenge without two Chevy Novas in a row. But this one is a '67 built by infraredbricks. And its not even Deathproof. Come to think of it, neither was the other one. In fact, I recall it was the complete opposite of death proof. It was sort of an instrument of death, if you will. And speaking of astronauts meeting their fiery doom...



Angka Utama builds a Rally X Stratos. Wait, that didn't even make sense at all! What the hell was I thinking? Its like I completely missed the "I'm gonna cleverly segue one idea to the next" boat by a long shot. Maybe my next segue from one idea to the next will be better.



Do you like the thrill and exhilaration of F1 Racing? Sure, we all do. But those sleek little F1 racers are awful cramped. How can you take the whole family along when there's barely room for a driver over 5ft6? Renault, and incidentally Marin Stipkovic has solved the problem with the Renault Escape concept vehicle. Finally mom, dad, and their 2.5 kids can race laps in minivan comfort and practicality!



Not very comfortable, not very practical, and definitely too low and slow to race laps around the track is this chopped and lowered '54 Mercury built by AadenH. But speed and practicality are not the point when you're cruising along in this wicked custom classic.



And when that old classic breaks down, Ralph Savelsberg comes to the rescue with this Mercedes Actros Car Transporter. At first he was like the Mercedes logo is a three point star so can I use that in a space challenge? then I'm like yeah, whatever...but then he finds out later that Mercedes is also a name of an asteroid so now its doubly poignant. Way to outdo us all, Ralph!



Houston, we have a problem. (oh, now that astronaut joke makes sense!)Peter Blackert went and built the '82 Ford Telstar Liftback - Mk I, and then 15 other cars after that, and I'm running out of steam. There's no Three-Peckered Billygoat Coffee to be had, plus I got to drop the kids off at the pool, if you know what I mean. So, to take me through, I'm going to employ the help of 15 other writers to jib-jab about his cars. Here goes.



Hunter S. Thompson- We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert, in a candy apple red '91 Telstar Mk III when the drugs took hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was screaming "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"



Yoda- Hmph. Adventure? Heh. Excitement? Heh. In a brown Ford Meteor - Mk I, 1981, A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless. Strong is the smell of stale fries in this car. Friends, you have not. When 32 years old you reach, look as rusty, you will not. If brown it is, flush it down you will. Hmph.



11 year old girl- Dear diary. peter blackert is like sooooo dreamy!! He built like a 1956 old car or something and i'm like OMG!! The car is like older than my grandfather or whatever. Like i don't even think they invented gravity back then. i had a dream about pink ponys again. i'm like OMG!! What am i 7? As if!! Tee hee!! Anyway, tootles. heart. winky face. smiley face.



Jewish Mother- '62 Mercury Comet? No, I don't know anything about that. You don't call your mother in two weeks and now you call me about this? I push you out of my womb 35 years ago and with this you repay me? With some call about some rusty old car. And why don't you make me some nice Jewish grandchildren already? Your wife has got those nice child bearing hips and you don't make children. And I told you not to buy that cheap supermarket Calla bread. I wanted the good stuff from Katz' Deli and instead you bring your mother this? It probably ain't even kosher! The cheap stuff gives your poor father the flaming shits! Oy vey!



Fashion Show Announcer- You can be the queen of your jungle in this sassy new Pontiac Solstice Roadster. This year's models are adorned in a yummy but tasteful chocolaty mocha brown with a plush, sporty interior. Why not accessorize your Solstice with an adorable Tiffany diamond tiara and a posh Gucci hand bag for a fabulously fierce night on the town. Me-ow! You go, glamor girl!



Someone texting- Plz make sure u pic up turkey brest. Maker sure butc her has boner. I mean boner. I mean de-bone it. Dam autocorrect!! ;) OMG! WTF! LOL!



Liberal Arts Commercial Announcer- Big men! Holding clipboards! Writing things down! Making important decisions in a retail environment! This can be you with a degree in Liberal Arts. With your career as a manager at Starbucks, you won't be cleaning the coffee urns, you'll be telling someone else to do it. To find out more, email DeVry University now for a free brochure.



My Mother- Careful sleeping next to the Christmas tree, you might wrap the lights around your neck and pull the tree down on yourself in your sleep. Though you might like that. You always were a strange kid. I read in the papers you kids are into that auto-erotic asphyxiation I've heard about on Oprah. And would it kill you to make me some grandchildren? I push you out of my womb 41 years ago and I get nothing in return. Your brother is a big homo from all that lavender shampoo he used in college, so him I understand...but you have no excuse. And why did you bring us Indian food? You know those people put something in there that gives your poor father the flaming shits!



Terrible Goth Poetry Writer- My bitter sorrow, my soul black as night, my veins yearn to be opened. The dismal abyss of being utterly alone. A cloak of black velvet and skin as white as milk, my eager neck yearns for your fangs in the midnight hour. Ennui, melancholy. Nothing on TV.



Vince Offer, prostitute hitting pitchman for Shamwow and Slap Chop- It slices! It dices! It'll clean up midget blood and dolphin snot right off your boat. It'll hold 20 times its weight in dog vomit. You can't do that with a regular paper towel. Are you getting this camera guy? Virtually dry on the bottom! If you call now, cuz I can't do this all day, you'll get not one, but seven for the low, low price of $19.95. You'd be rock stupid not to buy this product! You're gonna love my nuts!



A weightlifter blasting his quads at the gym- GGGGRRRRRRRAAAAAA! FEEL THE BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNNN!



The Pilsbury Doughboy in the oven- AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! THE BUUUUUUUURRRRRRNNNNN!



Black Eyed Peas- Here we go, here we go Satellite radio Y'all getting hit with(Boom boom)Beats so big I'm steppin on leprechauns Shitin' on y'all you with the(Boom boom)
Shitin' on y'all you with the (Boom boom)Shitin' on y'all you with the..This beat be bumpin' bumpin' This beat go boom boom!



Instruction Writer for all things made in China- insert Tab A into tab 3. Fold in to happy surprise. Glue at 100 degrees center. floating blades to much big mess. Keep fingers away from children.Deny eating batteries.



A pervy old lady with a husky smoker's voice hitting on you at a bar- Hey kid, c'mere. I got kids your age. Come sit here next to Mamma. Listen, I ain't much to look at anymore but I can still do the mattress mambo with the best of 'em. Plus I can't get pregnant no more, what with the menopause, so you can have your fill. I'm like a barren wasteland down there. Come put your hand in Mamma's pocket. Oh, shit yeah, that's nice! Guess what. That wasn't my pocket. Hah! Gotcha! Hey, where you going? C'mere you little shit!



Phew, I'm back! Is that all of them? Man, I'm glad I used those other writers, otherwise I would have never have made it. Well tune in next month to... What? One more? Late entry? Ok. Um. If you had a bad holiday break, it either means you've received one of my letters or Santa didn't make it to your house cuz he's driving a Mazda Cosmo as built by Rolic. And its stuck in the snow. Yeah those things will do that.



Ok. Is that all of them now? Phew! How'd you like those other writers? Its a safe bet that either we lost the very few readers we had, or gained a whole bunch more who were keywording naughty phrases like "pervy", "prostitute" and "leprechaun". Wow, this was like the crassest, nastiest roundup ever! Will I follow suit again next month? You'll just have to wait and see. But the challenge is called Designing The Ralston Tiger... all about dreaming up concept vehicles from scratch. What is the Ralston Tiger? Is it a fuel efficient family sedan? A sleek concept racer? A log hauler? Its all what you make of it and the sky is the limit when dreaming up your own concept ideas. There's a a whole lot of nothing going on right now, but we'll see how the month pans out. God forbid we don't have any entries. That would be a sad month indeed. So please build something. Please give me a reason to write the phrase "it'll hold 20 times its weight in dog vomit" again. Please? Until next time, always keep fingers away from children and deny eating batteries!