Tuesday, December 18, 2012
We all die, in our underwear, alone and afraid. And when you do, you can take solace in knowing that I'm gonna do alright. You see, after four long years I'm finally gainfully employed again and making the best money I've ever made. I've worked part time at the LEGO store for two years and it was fun and all, but Three-Peckered Billy-Goat coffee don't come cheap and retail doesn't pay the bills, ya'll. So now I'm a Financial Aid Administrator at Digipen...a video game making school. I administer...uh...financial aid.Or something. You see, there's these...uh...budgets...and...um...I think some pie charts. And people use a lot of big words like cohort and aggregate limit and synergy. And some guy is always at meetings with a bluetooth headset on. Its all very technical stuff. Hey look, once I figure out exactly what I do there I'll let you know. But in the meantime I'll enjoy the free donuts and my weekends off, thank you very much. Lets face it, what with my off-beat humor and my mean-ass face, I ain't very kid-friendly. So it felt weird constantly being scrutinized by the good, wholesome folks at LEGO. I felt stifled creatively...like I couldn't say what I wanted. But now I can write exactly the way god intended...with my wang firmly planted in the butterscotch. So thanks to my newly found creative spirit, you can expect an edgier, crass-ier Lino from now on. You're welcome.So let's get to this month's roundup, shall we? Its called The Great Chase...all about blockbuster movie cars and the chase scenes that make them great.
Fritz4783 knows a blockbuster movie car when he sees one. Forget the Batmobile, forget Herbie The Lovebug...here we have the Wagon Queen Family Truckster from National Lampoon's Vacation. For those not in the know, Chevy Chase and family gets suckered into trading their reasonably adequite family car for this atrocious heap. It was originally designed by George Barris...who brought you the '66 Batmobile, Herbie the Lovebug and all the most famous cars on Earth. That black lump on the roof...is their dead grandmother. Well done, Fritz!
When you need your toilet fixed, you call a plumber. When you need piping hot pizza delivered in 30 minutes or less you call Dominos. When you need a lot of tough, cigar-chomping ex-veterans to do badass tough guy action stuff to some awesome theme music for some reason...you call Ralph Savelberg and he'll build you an A-Team van. I pity the fool that doesn't like this van.
Lino Martins has his finger on the pulse of what a good car chase vehicle should be. But instead he goes with maybe one of the funniest car related movie scenes ever. In The Rum Diary, Paul Kemp (played by Johnny Depp) and his roommate Sala find their little Fiat vandalized by hot-headed locals.The only way they can drive it is if Paul sat on his friend's lap. Later they were chased by the cops while in this awkward configuration. Hilarity ensues.Watch this movie if you haven't already.
Is this happening already? Yes it is! make yourselves comfortable.Brew some coffee. Make yourself some cheese and crackers. Dip your wang in some butterscotch, if you are so inclined. This is gonna be a long ride. Peter Blackert is at it again with his flurry of productivity. First on the slab, from Gone in 60 Seconds is Eleanor. She's a modified 1967 Ford Mustang Shelby GT500, in case you had any doubts.
Lest you think the 2000 version of Gone in 60 Seconds was an original movie, you'd be dead wrong. Here's how Eleanor looked in the original 1974 film. Back then she was a 1973 Ford Mustang Mach 1 Fastback Coupe. Which do you like better?
James Bond was doing that whole "shaken, not stirred" bit since long before I was born. 1969 brought a new James Bond - Australian George Lazenby, and a new James Bond Aston Martin. Oh and the movie was called "On Her Majesty's Secret Service." So Very British.Its a good thing James Bond wasn't American...otherwise he'd drive a Dodge Dart or something.
You Only Live Twice came out in '67 and apparently Bond was assisted by a Japanese agent driving this super rare Toyota 2000 GT Convertible. You only live twice...unless you happen to be doing some really stupid shit involving a swimming pool and a plugged in waffle iron, then you expire long before the warranty. Thats just evolution working itself out, really.
But high on the evolutionary scale is Steve McQueen. He's the king of cool, ya'll. Peter flawlessly renders his famous Ford 1968 Mustang 390 GT Fastback from the movie 'Bullitt'. This may be blasphemous to say but I found the movie to be rather slow. It was mostly cars sneaking up very slowly behind each other for most of the movie...then a long chase scene at the end.
Peter goes from Bond to Bullitt, then back to Bond again with this BMW Z8 Roadster from The World Is Not Enough. You know what's great about having a steady job? Health Insurance.You Canadians don't have to worry but here in the states, if you are underemployed you have to will yourself not to get sick or injured. Now if I have a work related injury like, say...stapling my nuts to my desk, I know I'm covered.
I'm sure Peter has a great healthcare plan. But Jason Statham probably doesn't cuz he does too many stunts in this 2005 Audi A8 W12 from'Transporter 2'. I guess that means I'll have to raise my prices on my mustache rides. Wait, what? That didn't even make sense! That was so stupid! Now I'm just dialing the jokes in.
2004 was such a great year. We had the Audi RSQ and a super intelligent self-aware rogue robot that wanted to kill Will Smith for some reason.Remember that? That was also the year Janet Jackson's partially exposed boobie got...partially exposed by Justin Timberlake. Good times!
Next-a Peter stirs up a spicy-a Lamborghini Miura from the original-a The Italian Job-a. I guess-a that-a means I'll have to raise-a my prices on my mustache rides-a! Crude AND culturally insensitive to Italians...That's the LUGNuts way! You'll never find that at our other namesake. Screw you, Lansing Lugnuts!
This here demonstrates the power of suggestion. I asked for someone to please, for the love of God, build the Wagon Queen Family Truckster and I get not one, but two. This one marks Peter's last entry into the challenge with the dead grandma on the roof and everything. Dead grandmas on the roof...that's the LUGNuts way!
New guy, Minifig Scale USA proves you don't have to have any LEGO to render a desert car chase scene. Eh...its not as crazy as the desert chase scenes from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas but its alright. What? I still have another two lines to fill? Ok. Um. Dude, like my hand is totally huge!
Vinny Turbo chimes in with the iconic '66 Batmobile and the cryptic message; "Sorry for the watermelons, Lino". I've waited by my door, checked my mailbox, even searched for some meme online, but no sign of watermelons to be found. Its as mysterious and elusive as the Loch Ness Monster. What's with the watermelons, Vinny? Is your real name Gallagher?
LegoNoitAllMocs renders a 2009 Dodge Challenger R-T Police Cruiser with the tagline "Bringing justice one brick at a time". Turns out it takes precisely 929 virtual bricks to bring us that justice. Another few bricks and we could have also had a box of donuts to go with it.
We now know what side of the law Rolic is on. Jason Statham (and presumably Rolic) are always getting beaten up by bad cops. This is why he has a cruiser crashing through a fruit stand and also Statham's Death Race Mustang. Looks like Rolic's young daughter helped with the scene by scribbling a road for Daddy. Awwwww, Sweet!
I have no children but plenty of women have called me Daddy. Heh Heh. Yeah. Anyway, Tim Inman shows us the whole damn reason we have this challenge in the first place. In Spielberg's first ever movie, Dennis Weaver drives a little red '70 Valiant while a mystery driver, hellbent on destruction, drives a rusted old tanker truck. I can now take this dastardly duo off my to-do list. Cuz its that awesome!
But seriously, it was the whole reason for the challenge. He emailed me all like can we have a car chase challenge, Dawg? And I was all like...aight, sounds coolio. You can do that, you know. Give it a try sometime, I just might listen. Like I sometimes listen to the ramblings of Raphy. This time he builds us two blocky vehicles in a chase with solid, blocky Tron-like comet tails behind them. Looks like the cop is in the lead.
New guy Loek1990 finishes us all off with a render of a 1960 Aston Martin DB5 from the Bond movie Goldfinger.He calls it meh entry. Not sure if he means meh as in "my" or meh as in...meh, whatever, who cares, shrugs. But yeah, there it is. Meh.
Are we done? Seems like we are. Phew! And just in time, too. Looks like $240 worth of butterscotch pudding just arrived at my doorstep. I'm gonna fill the bathtub with it cuz I make enough money to do that now, what with my new job. What am I going to do with it? Well...the less said about that, the better. I'm gonna have a busy afternoon, but before I go let me tell ya to stay tuned for our next challenge called Space Is The Place...all about cars, trucks and bikes with space names. Will you build the Plymouth Satellite, The Saturn Vue, or the Lincoln Futura? Guess we'll just have to tune in next month to see. So until next time, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Mazel Tov, and all that. Now, where is that Barry White CD?
Posted by Lino M