This month in a challenge we call Let's Break Some Records, we took a look at record breaking automobiles...you know, fastest, smallest, tallest, most fuel efficient, etc. I also experimented with my "powers of suggestion". Let me explain. When you tell someone NOT to think about say...an all naked pie eating contest, it is virtually impossible not to think about doing your taxes. See what I did there? In the challenge write up, I suggested that Annie Hawkins has a world record you boys would probably like to look up and Jonah Falcon has a world record you guys definitely do NOT want to look up. By your lack of reaction, it seems no one took me up on that. This is why I will suggest it several more times in this roundup. I also suggested that we'd have the most record-breaking-ist challenge EVAR! How'd we do? Let's find out, shall we?
Paying absolutely no mind to Annie Hawkin's amazing world record, Ralph Savelsberg instead is the first to pound out his very own record breaking entry by building Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Aside from having the silliest name ever, this car happens to be the most expensive prop for a theatre show, costing 750,000 plus a little symbol American computers don't have, coupled with my complete inability to look it up.
Proving he's no Jonah Falcon, Ralph instead comes back later in the challenge with this 1992 GM Ultralite concept car. It was featured in Demolition Man and was the first four-passenger internal combustion engine car to be able to drive 100 miles per gallon (under favorable circumstances). It is safe to say, favorable conditions would not include having Annie Hawkins in the passenger seat. Just sayin'.
Peter Blackert is clearly no Jonah Falcon as evidenced by this Ferrari 488 GTB, that happens to have the highest torque output of any road-going Ferrari. And he mumbled something about being the first to render LEGO cars like hours or minutes after they're revealed in real life. Jonah Falcon would obviously make no such claims because of...um...the other world record he holds.
In a decidedly un-Jonah Falcon-like move, Peter pounds out three 1934-36 452-Series (and 1937 Series 90) V16 Cadillacs in a row, one green, one red, one blue. They hold the records for longest overall length, longest wheelbase, and heaviest curb weight. Still, these Caddies have nothing on Annie Hawkins.
Ask yourself, what would Annie Hawkins do? If you said she'd build the 1976 Cadillac Series 75, which is the world's longest production car with the largest ever production car V8 Engine, you'd be dead wrong.
Pounding out yet another Cadillac, Peter this time tackles the Cadillac 1915 Type 51 Tourer, which is the first production car V8 engine. Holy crap, I just discovered who Honey Boo Boo was! Why hasn't somebody put a stop to this nonsense years ago?!
Cadillac also launched the first production V16 engine in 1930, which means nothing when you consider Honey Boo Boo's mom looks just like Jabba the Hutt. They even have side-by-side photos of her and Jabba and the resemblance is uncanny. Go ahead, check it out! I'll wait.
See what I mean? Right?! Proving he's nothing at all like Jonah Falcon, Peter launches 10 versions of the same Bugatti Veyron, thus creating a personal record for building the most versions of one car which would have been broken at like three. It is also the fastest production car with the highest rate of acceleration. Where's the microscopic version and the actual size version?
The 1931 Marmon V16 set the benchmark for the class for engine power, smoothness and pretty much any other parameter at the time. This means nothing considering Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her big bare ass. Literally broke the internet for like seven hours. I'd like to see you do that, Peter!
Speaking of breaking the internet, Annie Hawkins did not build this 1960 Imperial. However, a gal like her might appreciate the fact that this particular vehicle has the largest tailfins of any production car ever. Whaddya think, Annie? Hmmmm, she tells me she's more of a headlights kind of girl. Good to know.
In fact, the more Peter posts these, the more I'm convinced he's not like Jonah Falcon. Jonah Falcon has no time to render so many LEGO cars what with the world record he holds that you guys definitely DO NOT want to look up, so don't get that god damned idea in your heads! This
1966 Volvo P1800 Coupe, however sports the most miles of any other vehicle on earth-3,000,000 miles (4,800,000 km).
Wow! That is A LOT of miles! Let's see if I can effectively get the same mileage out of Annie Hawkins/ Jonah Falcon jokes. Yeah, I'm doubting it too. Senator Chinchilla built what he thinks to be the weirdest Volkwagen Golf Mk1. It's a hot rod thingy.
With German efficiency, Pascal pounds out the lunar rover, the first human operated vehicle on the moon. Yeah, that was 1971. If I'm not mistaken, I believe Annie Hawkins sat in the driver's seat while Jonah Falcon rode shotgun. Honey Boo Boo tagged along in the back seat next to Kim Kardashian. My facts are impeccable, so you don't have to look that up or anything.
This 1986 Suzuki Samurai built by Lino Martins gets totally high! As in altitude. It holds the record for highest peak achieved in a car. Why no Annie Hawkins/ Jonah Falcon jokes here? Its because I'm already painfully aware of both of them, thus the power of suggestion is useless on me. So in that regard, just like Mary Poppins, I am practically perfect in every way.
But somebody who could use a good dose of Jonah Falcon and/or Annie Hawkins is Fe2cruz. Why this record breaking Thrust SSC would intimidate even Jonah Falcon if he saw this thrusting at him faster than the speed of sound. He only holds one world record, but man, its a doozie!
Speaking of guys who only have one of something, Lance Armstrong would totally appreciate this McLean Monowheel. Don't get the reference? He has one nut, this has one wheel. What? Its brilliant! Shut up! I'd like to see you knuckleheads come up with something better!
And maybe Sam has. When you dish out as much gruff at the expense of others as I do, I'm bound to get some of it back. He has built the tiny Peel P50 and has teamed up with Peter to render a hilarious version of me that is even stubbier than my already admittedly...stubby self. What can I say? I 'm a short bastard and I look like a cartoon character. Great work, boys!
And what a great way to close out this roundup! I dole out a bunch of senseless crap, someone else dishes it in return, now all is right with the world, circle of life and all that. How did we do for making this the most record-breaking-est round up ever? Meh. But perhaps we'll have a chance to make some ripples with next month's challenge. It's called Over A Million, Under a Thousand...all about cars, trucks, and bikes costing...you guessed it, over a million or under a thousand American dollars, Euros, British Pounds, Pesos...or whatever passes for Canadian wampum buck. I'm guessing beaver skins. And speaking of skinned beavers, it'll be like getting the Kim Kardashians of the world in the same room with say, your typical welfare recipient. I can't see how that can go wrong. So come back next month for a roundup that is sure to be chock full of pampered debutants and government hand outs. I ain't gonna lie, I love me some government cheese! See ya next time.