Oh hello. Is it time for the roundup already? Seems it is, and wouldn't you know it, I'm away on vacation. Yep, I'm off in a rustic little cabin in the woods with nothing but a hot tub, a fireplace, a bottle of whiskey, some board games, no TV, no phone connection and barely any internet. Sound like the first 10 minutes of a slasher film to you? Well...yes, it does. So as to not turn this little vacation into Friday the 13th parts I through IX, I will not disclose my exact location to any would be homicidal maniacs out there. There, crisis averted! There is something to be said about not updating your Facebook status every time you gotta take a dump. Not checking in , not alerting the world to your every thought, not taking pictures of every meal you eat are all admirable qualities that a few people could learn from. It all smacks of an oppressive Orwellian dystopia. Anyway, LUGNuts Turns Nine this month and we could build based on any previous challenge from this year or all of history. Let's take a look at everyone who incessantly checked in with us, shall we?
Emmanuel Spencer Iskandar is the first to set sail with blurred cellphone photos commemorating that one time James May turned a Triumph Herald into a boat. Seems my joke about blurred cellphone photos might be a bit outdated as most cellphones nowadays take better photos than most cameras.
OK, that joke about cellphone cameras might have been outdated but now I'm beginning to wonder about Emmanuel's tech. This second entry looks like it may have been rendered on a Commodore 64 but then if you click the link to the music video the grainy black and white quality accurately depicts...ah, crap, there goes my joke!
Clearly I'm just dialing it in here. I must be in vacation mode or a homicidal maniac has zeroed in on my coordinates after all and has killed me and is chiming in as a less funny version of me, just for shits and giggles. John Marshmallow has also dialed it in like twelve times. His first entry: a six wheeled monstrosity called Shark One.
Considering this blog is just as meta and un-funny as it always is, I'm thinking the homicidal maniac theory is not valid. Anyway, here's another entry by John. Back when we did Re-do and Redemption it meant going back years. For John it means going back months to something he did in April. Has he been redeemed yet?
Maybe he'll redeem with this 1962 Chevrolet Corvair Lakewood Hearse . All the goth kids can update their Facebook status to slightly less melancholy. What? Oh, a pinecone. Neat! Sorry, I'm a little distracted what with vacation and all. For these next entries, let me employ the help of a bunch of other writers. Here goes.
(bad romance novelist) Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore. Her sun-glazed back formed a golden arch as he moved his face toward her happy meal.
(Neil deGrasse Tyson) Apollo in 1969. Shuttle in 1981. Nothing in 2011. Our space program would look awesome to anyone living backwards through time.
(Russian Daycare Owner) Please, you bring child. Child eat radish. Child learn work. Child mine opal. Please, you also bring radish.
(Bad detective novelist) She walked toward me with her high heels clacking like an out-of-balance ceiling fan set on low, smiling as though about to spit pus from a dental abscess, and I knew right away that she was going to leave me feeling like I had used a wood rasp to cure my hemorrhoids.
(Hunter S. Thompson) "Hallucinations are bad enough. But after a while you learn to cope with things like seeing your dead grandmother crawling up your leg with a knife in her teeth. Most acid fanciers can handle this sort of thing. But nobody can handle that other trip—the possibility that any freak with $1.98 can walk into Circus-Circus and suddenly appear in the sky over downtown Las Vegas twelve times the size of God, howling anything that comes into his head. No, this is not a good town for psychedelic drugs. Reality itself is too twisted."
(Teenage Goth Poet) The night falls in a heavy cloak alone in my chambers, so utterly alone. Cold and alone, swallowed by the abysmal abyss of despair. Empty and black; black is my lipstick, black is my underwear, black is my soul. Utter despair. Ennui. There is nothing on TV.
(The Shamwow Guy) Hi it's Vince from shamwow, you'll be saying wow everytime! It's like a shammy, it's like a towel, it's like a sponge. A regular towel doesn't work wet, this works wet or dry. This is for the house ,the car, the boat,t he RV .Shamwow holds 20 times it's weight in liquid, look at this, it just does the work! Why do you want to work twice as hard? It doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess, ring it out. You wash it in the washing machine. Made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff.
(Directions to assemble a bookshelf made in China) Place tab A next to slot C. Your welcome to use caution. Break short stub using left hand. Fold shelf down very easy. Important no matter you are in public, inbusiness trip, or in journey. For sanity reasons, please use shower before gettings in pool.
(Lemmy Kilmister, former Motorhead frontman)"If you're going to be a (bleeping) rock star, go be one. People don't want to see the guy next door on stage; they want to see a being from another planet."
Wow, that was fun. I might do that again when there is another builder who has submitted a lot of stuff. (I'm looking at you, Peter!) But for now, Johnni D asks for a numbered assignment and gets entry 99, any ambulance or hearse, custom or stock.
Actually he makes two entries out of one request, here's the hearse version from 99 in all its black hearse dead guy glory.
Third on the Johnni D slab. He asks for number 9 and gets any cool vehicle to accommodate a wheelchair. My thinking in creating this idea was just because you're in a wheelchair, doesn't mean you can't have something kick-ass. Johnni pulls through with this way cool chopper.
The young man has got something good going here with these stylized, cartoonish rides on an 8x8 base. Some have made Brothers-Brick and I think they'd make excellent convention trophies. He asked for #6: Google “Chip Foose’s best designs” and go from there. The result; this Foose '70 Challenger.
He seems to be a fan of the 100th build challenge where you ask for a number and the admins give you a crazed assignment based on a list. Here is #66: Hot Wheels has a cast called “Spoiler Sport” figure it out from there.
Johnni chimes back a sixth time this time asking for the humorous and lowbrow number of 69. He ends up with a Zinger which, incidentally, is a humorous and lowbrow custom toy car with outsized engine and tires.
He then reverses 69 and...you'd think it would be a number equally enticing but 96 seems to have no humor or lowbrow connotations to it. However, it is attached to; design any vehicle inspired by any dinosaur or sea creature. Barney would be proud.
Johnni flexes his creative muscles again, but this time asks for a random assignment. I told him to go forth and build us the Popcorn Wagon and he comes through with his stylized version of the iconic show rod.
Its our ninth birthday and Johnni aptly pulls through with nine challenges, this time any bubble top vehicle and he doesn't disappoint with his final entry.
Flyboy0115 tells us that his microscale Tatra concurs with the rules of our 105th build challenge. What was 105 again? I don't even remember. Oh, right! The Great Outdoors, all about camping and off-roading and whatnot. Hmmm. I suppose you could go camping or off-roading in this.
Flyboy chimes in again and this time gets it right with the Over a million, under a thousand challenge and a formula 1 racer. Clearly this fits in the over a million category and the background is so black the car looks like it has no tires.
Loek M takes the Exclusive Edition challenge and builds us a very exclusive Rolls Royce Phantom made exclusively for a very rich hotel manager in Macau. Also I'm pretty sure the Avian Bird Flu originated exclusively in Macau. I wouldn't eat the chicken if I were you.
Except for just about every girl I know, girls like pink. Apparently. At least that's what they thought in the 50's. Peter Blackert's first entry is the 1955 Dodge La Femme Hardtop Coupe in dusty rose and pigeon gray. It included a raincoat, rain bonnet and umbrella, all made from a vinyl patterned to match the rosebud interior fabric.
Way back when we had our 82nd challenge it was called LUGNuts In Real Life and asked us to build the vehicles that we tooled around in for reals, yo. As an engineer for Ford, Peter gets a different company car like every ten minutes so here's a 2016 Mondeo. I sense there'll be a lot of these so lemme employ the help of other writers while I go dip in the hot tub. Here goes.
(An angry algebra teacher) For the fifth goddamned time people, in the formula ax squared plus bx plus c equals 0 you can solve x by using the goddamned quadratic formula. Has this sunk into your thick skulls finally? A monkey can learn this!
(A grizzled old sea captain) The sea, she's like a lady. You dance with her you dance by her lead otherwise she chew ye up and swallow ye whole! You ain't seen life till you've seen it from the belly of a whale!
(Chewbacca explaining complex quantum physics) Grrrr. Rrrrrrrrroar. Rrrrrrrr-rrrrrrrr. Roar. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr-rrrrah-rrr-rrrrrah. Rahhh-grah-rrrrrrrr. RAH-GRRRRRR-RAHHHHH! RAAAHHHH!
(A meathead blasting his quads at the gym) Thirty-three! Thirty-four! Grrrrr----Thirty-five! (bleep) YEAH! Thirty-six! (bleep) YEAH! Thirty-seven! I'm a god among men, bro! Grrrrrr...Thirty-eight! (BLEEP) YEAH! FEEL THE BUUURRRN, MOTHER (BLEEP)!
( A guy giving directions who's pretty sure he's gonna throw up) So you want to take the next left.....hrmmmmm...cripes, pardon me! Then go down about three blocks....hrmmmmm...oh, jesus! At the light you want to bang a right....hrrrrrmmmmmm...dude, I gotta run!
(Someone texting grocery directions) B sure 2 pic up 2 turkey breasts on yer way home. Make sure they boner it. Boner it. DE-BONE it! LOL! WTF! Stupid auto-correct!
(Snoop Dogg singing Gin and Juice) "With so much drama in the L-B-C, its kinda hard being Snoop D-O-Double G. But I somehow someway keep coming up with funky-ass shit every single day..."
(The super polite Nigerian ambassador in my email inbox) My dearest friend. I have thought long and hard before sending this but my research proves you are the best qualified to help me in this very important matter. I have inherited a rather large sum of money and...
(Simon and Garfunkle) "Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping..."
(Liam Neeson dialing the wrong number) "I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you." Um...what do you want on your pizza, Mr. Neeson?
( Correspondence that has actually been on Tinder) "You might need a wheelchair after I'm done with you. You like pumpkin spice lattes?" "Are you threatening to break my legs? Are you threatening to break my legs in a Starbucks?" "Uh...that didn't come out right."
(A Doctor circa 1949) My profession can be trying at times and in my downtime I enjoy the mild taste and soothing feel of a Camel cigarette. More doctors smoke Camel cigarettes than any other kind. I recommend them to my patients because they protect against irritation and cough. And what a smooth taste!
(Actual Facebook quote) We need to get off Lance Armstrong's back...yes he did drugs but don't forget he was also the first man on the moon.
(Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry) Did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've gotta ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
(A dad teaching his dumb kid a lesson on Facebook) To all of Chris's friends; this is his father. My son carelessly left his account logged in so I decided to snoop around. Upon reading his personal information I would like to clear a few things up.
(A dad teaching his dumb kid a lesson on Facebook part II) My son is not a "playa", he will not "beat a ho's ass" and will most certainly will not "roll a fatty wit his boyz". So for all of those who believe he is some badass playa, think again. He is Chris Brown, a 15 year old kid who was afraid of the dark until he was 12 and cried while watching Marly and Me.
(Another correspondence that has actually been on Tinder) On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?" "North Korea."
(Foreign Sports Announcer) GOAL! GOAL! GOAL! GOOOAAALL! GOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLL!! GOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!! GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!
(Hoity-toity wine reviewer) The heady, pure perfume of fig rind and foliage streams from the glass. A more tart and tropical note of passion fruit pitches in as well, along with green grapefruit spice. The aromatic spectrum is a sublimation of exotic fruit on nose and palate. The palate sustains this high-pitched balance by the purest lightening strike of zesty acidity. Even the tiniest drop of this amber liquid has the power to perfume the entire palate for minutes.
(A Marine Drill Sargent) What's your major malfunction, recruit?! Where you from, boy?Texas? TEXAS!? The only thing in Texas is steers and queers and I don't see any horns on you, boy! Now drop and give me fifty! This is my rifle, this is my gun. This one's for fightin', this ones for fun!
(A fratboy having a bad day at a University of Florida Constitution Day forum) Don't taze me, bro! Don't taze me, bro! Don't taze me...AHHH! AHHHHHH! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
(A moose in Maine describing a run-in with a car) Ayuh. So I was giving directions to this motorist, telling him you can't get there from hear when I felt a slight discomfort. Thought it was just some bad water lilies I ate so I ignored it. But wouldn't you know it, some dingus motorist decided to wrap his cah 'round my backside, for some reason, and went ass over tea kettle into the ditch. Must be outta-townas for sure.
(Onion Horoscope Writer) Cancer June 21-July 22: Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
(Dear Abby question and response) About four months ago, the house across the street was sold to a “father and son” — or so we thought. We later learned it was an older man about 50 and a young fellow about 24. This was a respectable neighborhood before this “odd couple” moved in. They have all sorts of strange-looking company. Men who look like women, women who look like men, blacks, whites, Indians. Yesterday I even saw two nuns go in there!… Abby, these weirdos are wrecking our property values! How can we improve the quality of this once-respectable neighborhood? Response: You could move.
(Either a Juicy Fruit ad or porn dialogue) Take a sniff, pull it out. The taste is gonna move you when you pop it in your mouth!
(Alan Rickman ominously ending a pizza transaction) So be it.
(A pearl of wisdom) I'd rather die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and yelling in terror like the passengers in his car.
Cripes, that was a lot! Good thing I brought in all those other writers to help out. Did they make sense in regard to their corresponding cars? Probably not. But it doesn't have to make much sense to me as evidenced by this cool Creepy Crawler '67 Caddy built by Lino Martins.
Let's use some of this intermittent cabin wi-fi to see what's on the news, shall we? We elected who?! What?! Son of a bitch! See, this is why I don't watch the news! So disappointing! Seems I'll need to extend my vacation for the next four to eight years. Tim Inman makes America great again with this all white 1966 Ferrari 365P Tre Posti.
Going off road sounds great to Paulo D as evidenced by this off-roading Porsche 911. In fact, going off the grid for like 8 years doesn't sound like a bad idea either. It'll be me and this cabin and the hot tub and some whiskey. And I suppose I'd have to grow a long beard and get a shot gun. And keep myself in the dark about current events. Wait that sounds like a typical Trump supporter, which got us into this mess in the first place.
On second thought, let's move on. Sam Sirmanperson builds us a couple of fantastic 40's era woodies. They harken from a time when doctors recommended cigarettes to their patients and leaders of the free world bragged about grabbing ladies by their tender bits. Oh wait, did that just happen? Oy!
On a good note, Brick Flag leaves us satisfied with three superb entries modeled after actual Hot Wheels cars. First up, the Ramblin' Wrecker. I particularly like how the whole truck bed and winch is monochromatic, like the molded plastic of the actual toy car.
The last two go together but deserve equal billing. They are unofficially from the TV show Emergency. All three are about the most detailed MOCs we've seen in awhile, which totally explains how all three recently appeared on our Big Brother's Blog. Randolph Mantooth would be proud!
Phew! That is the end of your 9th birthday roundup. This has been a pretty good selection of cars, I think. How did it all go? Well, it started pretty strong. Admittedly I was dialing it in at first, then got better, then got a little shaky when we elected a bully and a tyrant, then it all sort of balanced out. On Sunday we set the clock back an hour, then on Tuesday we set America back 50 years. What does the future hold for this little blog? Well, barring a well deserved missile attack against us, we have a challenge coming up called Deuces Wild...all about the '32 Ford, the most quintessential hot rod in history. In the words of our president elect promising...whatever the hell he talks about...its gonna be great. Its gonna be huge. I can't emphasize enough how great and huge this build challenge is gonna be. It'll make America, and incidentally the world, great again. You wait and see. Now, time to pretend I'm Canadian for the next four to eight years. Nathan, can you help me with my dialogue? Is it "about" or "aboot"? Which animal is on the 5 cent piece? Is it a loon or a beaver? Are you people really so friendly that you have pleasant two hour conversations with people who dialed the wrong number? I have a lot to learn about being Canadian. In the meantime, leave your poignant and insightful comments in 3...2...1...