Saturday, September 19, 2015

Appease The Elves Summer Automobile Build-Off Roundup

For the eight of you who care, we skipped the roundups for a month. It can all be explained, I assure you. You see, elves are just fun to abuse. Whether it be their curly little shoes or their squeaky voices there's something about them that make you want to startle them awake with an air horn blast. We have some friends that, unlike this sad little corner of the internet, actually know how to run a successful blog. They're called The LEGO Car Blog. They have offices and an executive bathroom. We have a run down shack and an outhouse. They have employees who write insightful features, we have…an outhouse. Part of their success involves employing elves for cheap. Long story short, they've abused the bejesus outta their elves for months now, the guys over at our Big Brothers Blog caught wind of this and blew the whistle on their whole elf abusing scheme and now the execs at The LEGO Car Blog have to register themselves as Elf Offenders. Now the elves in their employ are paid fairly, they get regular potty breaks, and a strict No-Pubes-In-Their-Tea clause was amended to their contracts. Also the courts ordered a two month long contest to appease the elves as a means to atone for the hilarious wrongs that have been done to them. Told ya it could all be explained. Anyway, we here at LUGNuts teamed up with Head Turnerz and The LEGO Car Blog to build some awesome cars trucks and bikes to appease the sniffling little twerps. We didn't work strictly from the kindness of our hearts. Oh no. Mother Theresa we are not! We had to be bribed with awesome prizes courtesy of No Starch Press. It was all called the Appease The Elves Summer Automobile Build-Off. Clues were given throughout the contest that offered insight into what the elves like to see. Those that followed such clues had a better chance at winning. Through careful deliberation and plenty of booze, the elves have picked their favorites.

There's a reason they load First Class onto the plane first. While seated comfortably in their roomy leather seats with a cocktail in their hand, the folks in First Class are a pampered lot. They then parade the unwashed masses through First Class on their way to coach to instill a sense of inferiority among the hopeless clods who can't afford the finer things in life. With that said, let's announce the winners first!

The runner up winner was this Beer Wagon built by Lino Martins! Uh, OK, I know how this looks. All I can say is, don't hate the playa, hate the game. There's a reason I'm in charge around here, that being…good looking people are better people. Just kidding. Actually I tapped into the notion that elves are prone to the funnest form of self abuse. No, I don't mean auto-erotic asphyxiation. I mean alcoholism. Falling down, stupid, puking alcoholism. What's not to love?

Tom Daniel's Beer Wagon

Proving that flames, boobies, vomit, guns, and rally stripes will win the hearts of elves everywhere, is our first place grand poobah winner, Thomas Graafland and his red British Mailtruck! Wait, what, who? Um…seems he didn't even enter through LUGNuts. You can do that, says so in the small print. Granted, Thomas' mail truck is 50 shades of awesome, but it seems the elves are a more serious and dignified lot than I was lead to believe. I partied with a few of the elves and there is nothing dignified about a gas mask bong. Still, it seems the elves are steeped in British tradition and for this reason, Thomas, my hat goes off to you. The power functions and working lights are admittedly very cool.

The TLCB office (Lego Ford Transit)

Now that the winners are seated comfortably in first class, lets parade the unwashed passengers back to coach who didn't quite make the cut. Sam Sir Manperson had good intentions with this ridiculously slammed yellow hot rod. It has elf appeal all over it but alas the elves are just not that into renders, it turns out.

Elves' Rod!

Much later in the challenge Sam comes back with even more elf appeal with this GT-FR in bright yellow. Like the Kardashians, elves are a narcissistic lot and enjoy seeing themselves in sex tapes, selfies, and among these entries. Throw in a big engine, rally stripes and some guns and you have yourselves the fixings for an all out elf-gasm!

GT-FR for the elves!

Later Sam proves that lightning can strike thrice with this trio of VW goodness. We have a MK1 VW Golf, a MK1 VW Golf Cabriolet and a MK1 VW Golf Caddy. Good work, Sam.

Lego VW MkI Golf collection

Car guys and elves alike love vehicular violence. Its true. If it wasn't, Death Race 2000 wouldn't top the charts as being the best movie in the history of the world EVAR! Who's with me on this? Nathan? Ralph? Anyone? Anyway, a guy named Zenn taps into this notion with Karma; a Hot Rod inspired by 'Mad Max: Fury Road'.

Karma Hot Rod

Calvin Sun also taps into this notion with a little MOC he likes to call… A Mad Max inspiration... With a bunch of other sci-fi bits thrown in.  I hear he named his dog…Four-legged animal who likes to poop and eat sometimes.

A mad max inspiration... With a bunch of other sci-fi bits thrown in...

Whatever he named his dog, Calvin Sun comes back later with Elves of Hazzard…sure to be a hit among the elves who live in the part of the country that still can't believe gay marriage has been legalized in all 50 states. Its OK, elves of the south…you still can have your debate over whether or not dinosaurs ever existed.

Elves of Hazard

With rally stripes, big engines and an elf amongst the action, Lino Martins had high hopes for this pair of sprint racers. I really figured it was a shoe-in for at least a runner-up win, but alas, all hopes were squelched by whatever ignorant douchebag that built the Beer Wagon.

Sprint Racers!

Tim Inman proves that not all entries need to be laden with vomit and elf debauchery to be good. If Thomas' mail truck proved that demure and English will also tickle an elves fancy, then this 1957 Jaguar XK-SS surely would have raised some elf eyebrows.

1957 Jaguar XK-SS

Tim comes back later and strikes a chord in the hearts of elves and humans alike with this all-orange-all-the-time "Calypso" 1937 Chevy Town Sedan. I don't care what the elves think, Tim has a seat in First Class with me and Thomas anytime he wants it. Drinks and pretty stewardesses await you, bro.

"Calypso" 1937 Chevy Town Sedan Show Rod

While we're at it, let's save a seat for Bricksonwheels and his Cadillac Fleetwood Le Cabriolet Lowrider. Every little detail is chock full of win. This proves that everything Dennis touches turns to gold…or…um…chrome, actually.

Cadillac Fleetwood Le Cabriolet 1/10 in Lego

Undercover Wookiee pounds out a little entry he calls Bob's Rod. Raphy immediately chimes in stating that he's a sucker for Bob's Rod. Go ahead, read any innuendoes into that you want cuz…its funny. Yunno.

Bob's Rod

Sometimes one rod just isn't enough. Proving Undercover Wookiee likes his rods fast and throbbing, he comes back again and pounds out a Hot Rod Cycle complete with a hot rod cycle elf.

This TLCB Elf likes it very much.

Jason Son (no relation to Calvin Sun) makes a triumphant return to LUGNuts, enjoys a swig of Southern Comfort and builds a badass black Chevy Silverado 4 x 4 of the same name. Southern Comfort and a black murdered out Silverado…it just doesn't get much better than that.

Chevy Silverado "Southern Comfort" 4x4

A guy named Garby$ proves he has the skill$ to pay the bill$…or something…with this 1957 Chevrolet 3100 Tow truck that looks quite a bit like Mater if he was a real life tow truck instead of an animated anthropomorphic whatchamacallit.

1957 Chevrolet 3100 Tow truck

A LUGNuts challenge wouldn't be a LUGNuts challenge without Aussie Ford engineer Peter Blackert pounding out a metric shit-ton of entries in the eleventh hour. Its a good thing we imposed a strict deadline for this one cuz otherwise he'd still be submitting entries well until next February. Here is his first of many, a Ferrari 488 Spider, which he rendered just seconds after the car was launched in real life.

Ferrari 488 Spider (2015)

Apparently missing the memo that elves are just not that into renders, Peter comes back later with the BMW i8 in blue. Its…blue, n' stuff.

BMW i8

There are two kinds of automobile enthusiast. One is the knowledgeable and discerning sort who cares about serial numbers and the other is an elf. The Ferrari Dino 206 Competizione s/n 10523 falls into the first category but unfortunately has missed the mark with the elves. Flames and vomit would have assuredly put Peter squarely in the winner's circle…or so I thought before...mail truck.

Ferrari Dino 206 Competizione (s/n 10523 Carrozzeria Pininfarina - 1967)

With the ability to see into the not so distant future, Peter conjures up the 2016 Ford GT LeMans Racer in glorious all-American colors. Sure these colors also represent France, England, Russia, Panama and a slew of other countries, but still…USA! USA! USA!

Ford GT LeMans 2016

Confusing elves for a demure and sophisticated bunch, Peter expertly crafts the Daimler Mercedes 28/95 Sport Phaeton. Big engines and racing score points with elves but perhaps guns, boobies and explosions would have been in order for an all out elf-gasm. But with Thomas' demure win, what do I know?

Daimler-Mercedes 28/95 Sports Phaeton - 1924 Sindelfingen

Can you tell I wrote some of these jokes before the winners were announced? Hey, I barely have time for you corn chucking crackers so I'm just gonna go with it. Can you blame a guy for trying to get the roundup done early? C'mon now, I got a Ralston challenge to build, BrickCon to prep for, and it's my goddamned birthday this month. Plus I'm drunk! Here is Peter's MotorCity 1953 Chevrolet Bel Air Hardtop in dark green.

MotorCity 1953 Chevrolet Bel Air Hardtop

I wonder if BMW drivers in Australia are douchy. They are around here. This one guy in a BMW had the nerve to keep traffic waiting at the stop light while he got out to take a piss out by the side of the road. We waited through two lights for this ass-hat, plus he was on his cell phone while doing it, the self-absorbed prick! Anyway, here's the 2002 BMW Turbo.

BMW 2002 Turbo

I almost missed this little detail but, among all his renders, Peter presents an actual brick built creation for the first time in like 40 challenges. You mean he still has bricks? Cripes, the last time he built anything in bricks, I think we still had a white president. No biggie for the rest of the world, I know, but a big whoop around here. Here's a brick built Martini Racing 918 Spyder.

Porsche 918 Spyder - Martini Racing

Proving Peter's brick-built streak was a fluke, he goes back to the drawing board…or computer screen…or wherever renders are made...for this Martini Racing VW T2 Transporter. I would be no good at rendering on my computer.

VW T2 Transporter - Martini Racing

Why? Same reason I'm no good at blogging…too many pictures of hot MILFs in yoga pants on the internet. They're both the cause and cure of all my problems. For Peter's last entry, he pounds out the ultimate MILF magnet, the 1954 Mercedes-Benz 300 SL Gullwing.

Mercedes-Benz 300 SL Gullwing - 1954

If I were a betting man, I'd lose a metric shit-ton of money on predicting Ralph Savelsberg's balls out, hands down win on this awesomely transformable Optimus Prime. Maybe its cuz there is something in the small print stating that a writer from Our Big Brother's Blog can't win cuz…after all, they were the ones who blew the whistle of the whole elf abusin' scheme. I don't know. I don't pretend to understand politics.

Optimus Prime

Optimus Prime

Proving that Ralph ain't the only one with transformers on the brain, Andrew Lee builds the most coveted car amongst strip club owners and 12 year old boys everywhere…the Lamborghini Countach. Oh, and it turns into a killer robot. This happens to be his first Model Team scale car ever. Cool!



Judging from his photo stream, LegoWarBoys was put on this Earth for one reason and one reason only…to build LEGO Mad Max: Fury Road inspired creations like this ElvenHorse. Before that movie came out he frequented the unemployment line thinking…someday…someday my ship will come. Someday, you bastards!

The ElvenHorse

A guy named Harry3099 rounds out our two-month summer build-off with this Marcos GT in red. It…um…lacks the humor that you'd hope a challenge ender would have. Its fairly cool, actually. Now I sort of wish LegoWarBoys came last. It would have been totally hilarious to end the roundup with…someday, you bastards!

Lego Marcos 1600 GT TLCB Contest Entry

Anyway, that was all of them. All jokes about first class seats, douchy drivers and strip club owners aside, it was an absolute pleasure to team up with Head Turnerz, No Starch Press, and The LEGO Car Blog for this two month summer challenge. You guys truly made this little corner of the internet a fun place to be. I am honored to have been a part of it. A huge thanks goes out to all the awesome builders who entered here at LUGNuts, at Head Turnerz, and directly at The LEGO Car Blog. No actual elves were abused during the making of this two month challenge but a few were "dutch oven-ed". For those of you not in the know, that's where you trap your mate's head under the covers while you fart. Its how Dutch people amuse themselves, I assume. I'm sure Ralph has something to say on that matter. The elves did it to themselves, so its not abuse when they do it to themselves. They're a little bit weird like that. Who am I to judge, right? So what's in store for the future of this blog? Seems we're going back to normalcy. And by normalcy, I mean jokes about punching Justin Bieber in the balls. Also, remember the Ralstons? Well, they're back with Designing The Ralston Legacy, all about conceptualizing the Raltston Tiger (car), Ralston Rhino (truck) and the all-new Ralston Dragon (bike). Should be fun. Will yours be a retro inspired ride, a modern marvel concept or a fire-breathing beast? Guess you'll have to tune in next month to check it out. Same back time, same bat channel. Laterz, y'all!


Thomas Graafland said...

Lovely write-up!

n said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
n said...

It's time to leave and I go to the United Arab Emirates where I ride on sports cars convertible rentals Dubai -