Saturday, December 20, 2014

Like, Totally 80's...Roundup

Ah, who could forget the 80's? It was a strange and tumultuous time for Rubik's Cubes, Pac-man, and much to the delight and confusion of a certain teenage LUGNuts founder, every last actress on cable TV worked out to Olivia Newton John, then peeled off their leg warmers and thonged neon leotards, and took sensuous, slow-motion showers at the gas station bathroom while horny coke-fueled captains of industry watched through peepholes. Later they meet face-to-face, get married, have  coke-fueled, yet somehow slow-motion sex, then have beautiful coke-fueled kids and live happily ever after and all that. Why doesn't any of that stuff happen any more? Hopefully this month's roundup called Like Totally, 80's, will bring back just a little sliver of some of that shallow 80's coke-fueled life. So slip on those friendship bracelets and roll up those Members Only jacket sleeves and enjoy this coke-fueled 80's era roundup. Like, Oh my god, totally!

Loek1990 is first on the slab and brings parachute pants and half-shirts back with this render of a 1986 Volvo 480. Its alright...I guess.

Volvo 480

Then he comes back shortly after with this  alright, I guess E30 M3 from 1989. Doesn't it totally encompass the 80's? No? Yes? OK, lets move on, then.

1989 BMW M3 (E30)

But wait, there's more! Order the Ronco Smokeless Ashtray now and you get this 1988 BMW M5 E34 (Touring).  Like New Coke, released in 1985, these renders are sure to be a hit!

1988 BMW M5 E34 (Touring)

A hit only to be pulled from the shelves months later and then incinerated in hopes the public would never remember this huge boner. And by "huge boner" I mean huge mistake...and not the other thing. Enjoying a bit more shelf time is this Ferrari 288 GTO built by Senator Chinchilla.

Ferrari 288 GTO

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. With me it usually means the other definition, but this time I meant the original definition. Glad I cleared that up. We wouldn't want any confusion when I lay out humor like this. And speaking of huge boners, Tom Netherton builds a Toyota AE86.

Toyota AE86

Then he comes back later with this render of a 80's Ford Econoline conversion van, which, like Betamax, had good intentions but lost popularity when the minivan came out...or in the case of Betamax when VHS came out.

Ford Econoline

Actually who am I kidding, Betamax was never popular. It was pretty much doomed from day one. Ralph Savelsberg  fires up The Quattro, which apparently is a star of the BBC TV series, Ashes to Ashes. I wouldn't know. Too many movies in the 80's featuring thonged leotards and slow-motion shower scenes made me wholly unaware of what BBC was doing.

Ashes to Ashes Audi Quattro

Are we there already? Seems we are. Sigh...OK, make yourselves comfortable. Pour yourselves three fingers of vodka and fetch your reading slippers, this is going to be a long ride. Peter Blackert starts his string of 80's cars with this BMW 850i coupe.

BMW E31 850i (1989)

Some kids are into Star Wars, others are into Ninja Turtles. When Peter was a lad, he though that this Mercedes-Benz C126 380/500 SEC was pretty special. And by "special" he must mean like the kids who rode the little yellow bus to school. Again, when using humor clarity is key.

Mercedes-Benz 380SEC Coupe (C126 - 1981)

1980 saw the advent of the Renault Fuego. I bet Peter also thought that was neat. Odd metric tires were amongst the French 'distinctiveness' that you either loved or hated. My vote: hated. In fact, it made the world so mad that Mount St. Helens blew its top in 1980. True story, bro.

Renault Fuego (1980)

Sometimes I don't need a humorous quip that thinly veils what I feel about a MOC. Occasionally the builder will do it himself. And I quote..."As I said in the 'discussion' thread. My own list of 1980s vehicles is a bit boring. This can be seen in the highly competent, but rather unexciting W126 S-Class Mercedes-Benz W126 500 SE Saloon (1985)."

Mercedes-Benz 500SE Saloon (W126 - 1985)

Turning the excitement knob up to a conservative 3 is this Jaguar XJ6. Peter tells us that unfortunately, much of the new technology in this Jag was unreliable and led to significant quality issues. Much like Hair-in-a-Can.

Jaguar XJ6 (XJ40 - 1986)

 If you like your excitement knob cranked up a little bit more but still dignified somehow, you may go ape poopy for this 1986 Aston Martin V8 Vantage Coupe as featured on the silver screen with James Bond in "The Living Daylights".

Aston Martin V8 Vantage - James Bond (1986)

And if you prefer to spend your 80's era hard-earned drug-dealer money on something red and Italian, you could blow it all on the 1986 Ferrari 328 GTS Targa. Its coveted by 80's era strip club owners and 80's era hair metal bass guitarists alike.

Ferrari 328 GTS Targa (1986)

Turns out strip club owners and hair metal bassists were not much into the 1989 Citroen XM. Even Renfair flutists and Uncle Al thinks its a little too stodgy for them. Uncle Al doesn't own a strip club or anything. He just fancies himself as a guy who can get women to take off their clothes. Mostly unattractive old ladies. And only two so far. But that's something.

Citroën XM

The 1984 Pontiac Fiero Coupe made it onto the list of the worst cars made in the 80's, mostly for engine fires...and the fact that Uncle Al owned one. Even says so in all the books. And I quote..."this is a total crap car cuz Lino's uncle Al owned one. He likes it when old ladies strip for him but he's only had like two do it...and one was on TV so that totally didn't count."

Pontiac Fiero (1984)

You know what gets Aussie women's knickers in a twist? This 1980 Holden VC Commodore HDT, apparently. Peter says in Australia this is the equivalent to getting ladies in the mood with a spa day, deep tissue massage, and a Whitman's sampler. Just sayin'...your secret to success boys, right here.

Holden VC Commodore HDT (1980)

Women also dig the '86 Mazda RX-7 too...but it's a special kind of gal that likes them. No...wait...holy crap! I was gonna crack some uninformed joke about the girls who would be attracted to these and a quick google search proves they're all pretty damned hot! I stand corrected. The secret to success, boys...a Mazda RX-7!

Mazda RX7 Turbo (FC 1987)

Before I went off all half-cocked and uninformed (its how I go through life, really)  I had to keyword "EA26 Ford Falcon" and "girls" to make sure there wasn't some secret sexy girl's club I had no idea existed. Turns out there isn't. Peter should start one.

Ford Falcon S (EA26 - 1988)

Or better yet he should hire some sexy model to pose astride a crappy 1987 Toyota Camry SV20 Wagon. Actually, I'll send a signed Lino STUDS card to the first person to photoshop that and post it on the internet. Seriously, yo!

Toyota Camry SV20 Wagon (1987)

The 1989 Honda CRX V-TEC technology allowed Asian kids with spikey hair to produce good torque and drivability at low engine speeds while also enabling the engine to rev its nuts off at 8000 rpm. True fact. Says so in the bible. Somewhere in the back, probably.

Honda CRX VTEC Coupe (1989)

The Mercedes-Benz W201 190E 2.3-16, according to Peter, marked the first of the hotrod 190E models and is available in smoky silver and black. The 2.3-16 is fast, but also discreet and would make a cool retro 80's ride, even today.

Mercedes-Benz W201 190E 2.3-16

The 1987 Magna Wagon is Japanese...or Australian...or something. I don't know, really. I'm pretty much just dialing it in here.

Mitsubishi Magna TN Wagon

The 1981 Ford Laser Ghia is also Australian and/or Japanese. Its like Duane "The Rock" Johnson. Is that guy black or some kind of Spanish? Maybe there's some Hawaiian in there? Or perhaps Middle Eastern? And for that matter, what about Jessica Alba?

Ford Laser Ghia Hatchback (KA - 1981)

Next on the Peter slab is the FIAT Uno. If you were Italian and of limited means in the 80's you'd get yourself one of these. Boy, were the 80's really this uninspired or did Peter just insist upon loading us with a bunch of humdrum rides?

FIAT Uno Hatchback (Type 146)

Apparently all the excitement in the 80's were for people who dealt in drugs and dirty money, as evidenced by this Ferrari Testarossa. The drug dealer connection was reinforced in the use of a white Testarossa in the TV show 'Miami Vice'. Now that's a spicy meat-a ball!

Ferrari Testarossa

Is that all of them? Holy crap, it is! Tim Inman picks up the pace of this roundup with this Minolta Toyota 88C-V. He tells us because: racecar. That's all the reason you need, really. Any 8 year old boy would love to have this as a bedframe! Turns out not many kids are buying the Fiat Uno bedframe. Maybe Peter did when he was little.

Minolta Toyota 88C-V

New guy Everblack somehow doesn't live up to his name with this red Ferrari Testarossa but he does further propagate the aforementioned joke that the 80's era Testarosa was for drug lords who wear ostrich skin loafers and white Z. Cavaricci pants. Hah! I had a pair of Cavariccis. They were so baggy I could smuggle both Hall and Oates inside them.

Ferrari Testarossa (1)

And speaking of haulin' oats just because I built it, doesn't mean I love it. Just like more than a few of Peter's entries, Lino Martins illustrates everything that was wrong with the 80' shirts, mullets, jackets with the sleeves pushed up...and this '82 S-10 custom minitruck in god awful 80's colors.

1982 Chevy S-10 Mini-Truck

Its been awhile since Ricecracker graced us with his creations. Just like a sizzling fajita platter, he comes back big, loud, and fiery with this 80's era Dennis Fire appliance. He says it feels good to be building again. It does indeed.

Dennis Fire Appliance

Like Pac-Man, Rubik's Cubes and A Flock of Seagulls, Chrisbuilds tells us that the 1985 Pontiac Fiero left a real impression on him back in the 80's. His neighbor had one. He tells us the photo is shot in black and white to even out his old grey pieces and the factory rims...cardboard and double-sided tape. Clever.

1985 Pontiac Fiero

 Sam Sir Manperson tells us the MK1 Golf GTI was not really developed in the 80's but it was the third best car of the 80's, so that's a thing. Right? Sure it is, Sirman. I'm certain that's what Gary Numan was singing about in his 80's one-hit anthem about Cars...which, incidentally was the best thing out of the 80's. That and Phoebe Cates.

Lego 6-wide VW Golf MKI

Raphy submits this entry with an important public service announcement. "LUGNuts goes SPUDNuts with this twin-turbo'd Polish FSO Polonez with an '80s paintjob! Support Slavic farmers by buying Ukrainian potatoes. Stick it in the eye of Putin!" You hear that, Putin? Here at LUGNuts we are just not that into your potatoes!


And on that fiery bombshell we conclude our roundup. What did we learn this time? We learned that you weren't anyone in the 80's unless you were hopped up on cocaine, we learned the difference between having a huge boner and being a huge boner, and Aussie women go ape poopy for the 1980 Holden VC Commodore HDT while the rest of the women of the world tend to favor the Mazda RX-7. We learned you can smuggle nearly anything in a pair of Z. Cavariccis (tried and proven by yours truly) and there's even room enough in my Cavariccis for Phoebe Cates...if she ever returns my god damned calls. Oh and Putin can stick his potatoes where the sun don't shine. That just about sums it up. What does the future hold for this little blog of ours? Well, it turns out we're going retro-future. Like Steampunk retro-future. Join us next month for a challenge we call Steampunk Autoworks...all about cars, bikes, and trucks catering to that theme. Top hats, goggles, airships, and blunderbusses are all the rage in this wildly popular Steampunk genre. Being into Steampunk will get you laid. That's the secret to success, boys...Steampunk...and maybe the Mazda RX-7. Just ask silent LUGNuts member and all around steamy load, Guy Himber, who recently wrote the book on Steampunk LEGO. He gets more ass than a gas station toilet seat...and slightly better quality, too. Unlike my Uncle Al who is fictitious to begin with. Sorry I lied to all y'all about that. Can you find it in your hearts to forgive me?

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