Artist, writer, and LUGNuts Founder Lino Martins was found alive but disoriented in a Texas well sources told our reporters last Monday. LUGNuts member and automotive enthusiast Raphael Granas was spelunking in the Texas well for some reason when he reached the bottom of the well and came upon a huddled figure of a man cowering in a pile of frog dung. "He had like this crazy beard and stunk like hell", Raphael told us, then went on to say "I figured he was a hobo. I was deciding between throwing him a quarter or giving him the business end of my taser when the disheveled man muttered something about grown-ass men playing with legos. Then I was thinking...hot damn! Is that who I think it is? Wanting to be sure I asked the stinky man; Do you ever pray to God?" To which he replied "Only when I'm throwing up." "When the guy chuckled at his own joke I was like holy bat turds, Batman! That's totally Lino Martins! I thought about hitting him with the taser anyway just for good times sake but I was like...nah." Sources close to the unkempt 45 year old confirmed that Lino had gone missing early in February mumbling something about Agent Orange. Then Raphael continued his account. "I was like, hey dude, did you finish the Supercars Vs. Muscle Cars roundup? The guys are sort of depending on you. Its been like 17 days." To which the man replied "What guys? Who are you? Are you the Supreme Leader, Cheeto-Face?" "Um, no, I'm Raphy." "Raphy, huh? Are you the uptight Netherlands physicist or the crazy Aussie engineer?" "Neither but you're a step in the right direction. You're starting to remember us. Now come to your senses quick and write that roundup!" OK, here goes...
A guy probably named Johnni D kicks of the new year and new challenge with a little entry from the muscle car category, an all black 1969 Pontiac GTO. He may or may not be a Portuguese pop star who works for LEGO.
John Marshmallow has been with LUGNuts ever since its inception way back in 1783. In fact he's probably my Canadian Co-Founder. Or he might be an actual marshmallow. Details are a little fuzzy right now. But what I am sure about is this 2018 Aviator Milano XE2 Mark 2 supercar is rad.
Loek M, who I'm certain is the admin from California who's a die-hard Chevy guy who hates my jokes about paying for strange.. built us both a supercar and muscle car in the form of this McLaren in the shape of the MSO HS, and the Challenger Hellcat.
Nothing in the name Ralph "Mad Physicist" Savelsberg sparks my memory. From that name, I cannot discern whatsoever what he does for a living, but I'm pretty sure he's the college age Polish kid who likes to slick his hair back. He goes way out of character for some reason and builds a movie car in the form of this Mustang Fastback GT390 from Bullitt.
Angka Utama is probably the short and punchy, wisecracking LUGNuts founder or he's a new coffee flavor...likely some sort of African dark roast by the sound of it. Either way he has built a Nuovo Stratos for the supercar camp.
Marco.qm, who is likely a Brazilian builder we haven't seen in forever or some sort of high quality wood, builds a Porsche 911, which neatly dances the line between supercar and muscle car.
Later Marco, who, come to think of it, might be an exquisite pork chop, comes back to team up with Sam Sir Manperson and submits a supercar vs. muscle car pair with this Lykan Hypersport.
With a name like Sam Sir Manperson, I am pretty certain he can only be the dreamy Middle-Eastern car building hunk whom we all aspire to be like. I mean, have you seen that guy? Cripes, the muscles, the dreamy dark eyes and the perfectly bronzed complexion! Anyway, here's a '69 Chevy El Camino.
Lino Martins satisfies the muscle category and builds a '67 Dodge Charger Fastback. I know I've had a weird episode in a Texas well lately but I'm pretty sure I'm an Australian engineer for Ford. I look under the hood of a Ford and see...engineering stuff that I probably designed. "G'day, mate!" Yep, I'm Australian.
Flyboy0115 hopes that fictional cars are allowed with this Porsche inspired white car. Are they allowed? I have no idea, dude! I don't write the rules. You'll have to ask the talking bear that somehow prevents forest fires.
Here's an update to our opening story; Raphael Grans rescued Lino Martins from the Texas well and after an extensive clean up, friends and family of Lino are happy to have him back...well, sort of. With each passing day, his memory is getting a little bit better but he still occasionally confuses hemorrhoid cream for tooth paste and still asks if that Polish kid has built any more movie cars lately. It is unclear what caused Lino to disappear for 17 days and end up in a Texas well in the first place. No one can decipher who Agent Orange or the Cheeto-Faced Supreme Leader is. When asked about his time in the well, Lino just stares wide-eyed and babbles. "I've seen things, man! I've seen....things! Far out things!" He also occasionally mutters that the Dystopian Or Utopian challenge is coming. No, seriously. I'm not being batshit crazy. The Dystopian or Utopian challenge is coming, man! War is peace! Freedom is Slavery! Ignorance is Strength! Sure, Lino. Sure it is. Here's your binky to calm your nerves. Now go beddy-bye. Night night.
In unrelated news today, President Donald J. Trump fabricated a terrorist attack in Sweden presumably to bolster support for his Muslim ban in the US.