Sunday, May 24, 2015

Fools Rush In! …Roundup

It turns out highway rest stops harbor an entire secret society of folks that communicate with covert signals and messages. For example, one tap of the foot while in a toilet stall means you are out of toilet paper and you like the fellow in the next stall to kindly pass you some more and two taps of the foot means you require some urgent ass buggery. Or is it the other way around? I always get the two mixed up. Anyway, details like that are not all that important when we have a little challenge called Fools Rush In…a foolish challenge with 15 totally balls-out rock stupid and impractical sub-categories to choose from. Whether yours be a lemon, a bat mobile, or a zinger, the sky is the limit when you have 15 totally fool hearty concepts to choose from. Oh, and I probably shouldn't crack any more jokes like the opener. You see, it turns out my dad is an avid reader of this blog and he was mighty upset by last month's roundup, which led me to my huge rant about what charities I give to and whatnot. Instead of taking it with humor and good sport as you all have been doing these past seven years, he insists that I set you all straight on how I was really raised. OK then. Welcome to an all shirtless-at-the-dinner-table-while-telling-Polish-jokes edition of the roundups!

Lino Martins proves that fools rush in indeed by being the first entry of this month's challenge. It's not exactly the Pinto that I spent most of my early childhood in, but this Gremlemin is just as lemony. When life hands you lemons, make a really cool lemon themed custom out of it as per the Lemon Fresh Scent sub-category.

AMC Gremlemin

Ralph Savelsberg brings some much needed class to this otherwise foolish challenge early on with this Bentley State Limousine designed for the Queen Mum, and thus satisfying the Stretch it Good sub-category. With his PHD, Ralph makes the Queen…and incidentally, his own dad, proud, albeit, he tells us, embarrassingly so.

Bentley State Limousine

What Queen Mum wouldn't like a ride in Ralph's second entry, the sha-wing boner enduring Mirth-Mobile, from Wayne's World? This entry denotes both the Lemon Fresh Scent and High School Cool sub-categories and features Wayne and Garth. Party on, Ralph!

Wayne's World Mirth Mobile

Sam Sir Manperson's dad raised him right as evidenced by his totally manly name and this render of a Dakar Octan truck of his own design, thus denoting the Dakar Rally Sport sub-category. Clearly Sam followed the tried and true fatherly advice of "go big or go home"!

Octan Dakar Truck - more pictures soon

Clearly Tim Inman's dad is Ed "Big Daddy" Roth as evidenced by this Druid Princess thus satisfying the sub-category of Show Us Your Rod. We ask and Tim lays out his big purple rod in front of god and everybody! I see no correlation whatsoever between this Druid Princess and bad parenting, so don't try to read too deeply into it.

Ed Roth's "Druid Princess"

Clearly a failure in the eyes of his mom and dad is Aussie Ford Engineer, Peter Blackert and his slew of entries. First on the slab satisfies the Art Car 2015 sub-category and is a BMW M1 Procar as painted by Andy Warhol in 1979. Talk about shame to his family! Warhol had an IQ of 80, but he ended up richer and more famous than all of us put together so who's the dumbass now?

BMW M1 Procar Racer - BMW Art Car #4, Andy Warhol - 1979

Fast forward to 1989 and artist Ken Done painted this BMW M3 Racer to represent Australian wildlife. Apparently BMW did a whole series of these. And I thought "art cars" were just the old clunkers you glued hundreds of toy lobsters to and brought to Burning Man for a naked, drug-fueled weekend of debauchery in the Nevada desert.

BMW M3 Racer - BMW Art Car #8, Ken Done - 1989

Maybe all of the really dumb car cultures exist only in the US? Further cementing this notion, is Peter's next entry for the Monster Truck Mania sub-category. Gravedigger is probably the most famous monster truck ever, even surpassing it's Big Foot predecessor. Crack open a Miller Lite!

Grave Digger - Chevrolet 1950 Panel Van Monster Truck

Or in my house...nothing. Yeah, we weren't drinkers growing up so I have no idea where I got my penchant for microbrews and distain for cheap beer. Next on the Peter agenda is a 1973 Datsun 120 Y Fastback Coupe, thus satisfying both Lemon Fresh Scent and High School Cool categories. This was apparently the most ridiculed car in all of Australia.

Datsun 120Y Fastback Coupe (B210 - 1973)

Being not from around here, Peter doesn't much understand the Donk scene, but it didn't stop him from perfectly representing the subculture with this custom 1971 Chevrolet Impala 454 Convertible called Polar Bear. Actually, Donks don't venture much outside the American south rap scene so not getting the phenomenon is entirely understandable.

Polar Bear - Chevrolet 1971 Impala Convertible Donk

Turns out, even Alpha Romeo can occasionally produce a lemony flop. The 1983 Alfa Romeo Arna was a result of Italian and Japanese parentage. The end result was a combination of the worst of both, as the car was unreliable, un-interesting, and assembled with typical Italian dis-interest. Wait, how is it that I don't have a really bad ethnic joke for this one? Dad, any suggestions?

Alfa Romeo Arna (Type 920 - 1983)

But Alpha Romeo isn't all about lemons. In fact, most of what they do is totally balls-out awesome and sometimes batshit crazy. Take, f'instance this 1953Alfa Romeo BAT5 - Berlinetta Aerodinamic Tecnica - Bertone. It predates any Batmobile but it fits nicely in the To The Batmobile sub-category. Even my own dad can't deny it's batshit awesomeness!

Alfa Romeo BAT5 (Berlientta Aerodinamica Tecnica - Bertone 1953)

Actually, I think my dad was a fan of Pimp My Ride back in its heyday. Its the show where "your boy Xzibit" shows up at some teenager's door, they swear like a mother trucker, then they unleash the dudes from West Coast Customs to give their ill rides some much needed krunk. Confused yet? Perhaps Peter's before and after entries will clear the air. First, this beat-down 1991 Toyota Celica.

Toyota Celica Coupe - 1990 (Pimp my Ride - Season 5, Episode 7)

Next is the result when Shawna's Celica is loaded with Lambo doors, a bunch of mid-aught era tech gadgets and a tiger paint scheme. She performed the obligatory screaming/ jumping/ weeping/ laughing/ back-flipping routine and all was right with the world. Still confused? Then you just ain't fly, dawg!

Toyota Celica Coupe 'Pimped' - 1990 (Pimp my Ride - Season 5, Episode 7)

What's with this 1982 Volkswagen Santana? Turns out, with the help of the Germans, it is China's first foray into the production of mass-market automobiles and the most popular vehicle sold in China. Thus this fits into the Made In China sub-category. They've now taken over the world because of this.Why is this category among an all foolish  and dumb car challenge? Do I need to explain everything to you people?

Volkswagen B2 Santana (China - 1982)

Another show you probably won't get is Monster Garage. The year was 2002. Season 1, episode 1. Jesse James assembles a team of crackpot mechanics to turn this rather conservative looking 1990 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer Edition SUV into something it wasn't...

Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer Edition (UN46 - 1990)

...A tricked out trash collector aptly named White Trash. Toward the end of the program, it showed up at 5am in a wealthy neighborhood and made a huge racket while collecting the curbside trash. Its all laughable now, but I can assure you, a certain budding LEGO car builder's mind was blown! I have no doubt, this was the start of my interest in cars and thus the start of LUGNuts.

Ford Explorer - 'White Trash' (Monster Garage)

In that regard, I was raised by Jesse James, and not so much my dad. Well, that explains a lot, then! My father figure was a tattooed womanizing malcontent thug only three years older than me. So you're off the hook, dad. A guy named Capacinio rounds out our challenge with a tangy classic lemon, a 1959 Edsel Ranger...a name synonymous with failure and shame.

1959 Edsel Ranger

Is that all of them? Seems it is. I wasn't even shirtless at the dinner table while writing this either. Nor was there nary a Polish joke to be heard. Sorry guys, maybe next time. Instead I've got that Harry Chapin song stuck in my head for some reason...the one about the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon. I can't figure out why. Anywho, what does the future of this blog hold? Anger Management. No, its not my court appointed obligation in the aftermath of going apeshit at the supermarket as a result of spending my early childhood in a Pinto, but rather a build challenge showcasing aggressive cars. So instead of throwing Justin Bieber through a plate glass window, why not get your jollies off by building yourself a mean and nasty ride? Whether yours be a Dodge Ram, a Chevy Avenger, a Mercury Cougar...or every car from Mad Max: Fury Road, the sky is the limit when we build mean and aggressive vehicles. The more you build, the more I get to crack angry jokes as I lash out on society. That's how it works. You build. I crack jokes. Dad gets mad. A good laugh is had by all. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Capiche? Good!

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