Land Yachts…Round-Up

We live in a world where an entire music collection, a phone, an alarm clock, a GPS, a flashlight, a bank, a library, a movie theatre, a game console, access to thousands of shops, and a vast array of encyclopedic knowledge can be stored on one little device that fits in your pocket. There was also a time, not too long ago, when each of those things were its own space-consuming device. Back in the day when computers took up entire rooms, bigger always meant better. This held true with cars. Right around the fifties through about the mid-seventies, particularly in American and some European and Japanese markets, your car was nothing unless it was an excess of chrome, bells, whistles, gizmos, dials, room for a growing family and a trunk big enough to transport four dead bodies…cuz apparently everyone from that time was in the mob. These behemoths of yore guzzled gas like there was no tomorrow. The environment can take a flying hike when you're driving a Chrysler New Yorker or a Cadillac Eldorado! That's why this month we're taking a closer look at Land Yachts…all about full sized cars of yore. So grab yourself 40 ounces of some cheap American lager, sit back, and enjoy the ride.


Ralph Savelsberg chimes in early and sets the mood for how this whole Land Yacht thing is supposed to go with this stunning pink and white 1956 Ford Fairlane Crown Victoria Skyliner, with all the aforementioned bells and whistles, panarama roof and a Continental kit.



Big American cars often means big American asses. Just look at the Kardashians! Or are they Armenian? Anyway, nothing is bigger than the 1959 Cadillac Miller-Meteor Futura ambulance/hearse conversion used for Ecto-1 in Ghostbusters. Ralph has built this car before but he refurbished it with an array of newly available parts.

For his third entry, Ralph reasons that this isn't quite what I had in mind. This NYC taxi is a long-wheelbase Crown Victoria, with a whopping 218 inch length, and it's the last of a long line of wallowing barges with floaty suspension, a lazy V8 and positively prehistoric cab on frame construction. Actually, Ralph, that's precisely what I had in mind!



Peter Blackert chimes in with more than a few land yachts of his own. The first being the 1950 Buick Roadmaster Riviera Hardtop Coupe rendered in dark red. Because nothing says upper-middle-class American dream like the Buick Roadmaster!



I once had an upper-middle-class American dream where I was naked in an elevator full of people and then some clown ate me. Anyway, next on the Peter slab is a 1965 Riviera Hardtop Coupe. A decade and a half later, the Buick Riviera is still a big honking car!

The challenge write-up describes the Mercedes-Benz Maybach Pullman as the longest production car currently available. Peter takes this as an opportunity to go retro and showcase the 1963 Mercedes-Benz 600 Pullman Limousine. Cuz you know what they say…the black ones are always bigger.



Limousines is what I meant to say. Black limousines. Anyway, now that I cleared up that misunderstanding, back in 1957 Cadillac produced the limited edition Eldorado Brougham, A four-door hardtop with rear suicide doors, brushed aluminum roof, and industry-first quad headlamps. It was an automotive dream come true.



A dream come true for me would be a tropical island, a bevy of pretty wahines serving drinks, a thrashing guitar solo, and a six foot party sub. Hey, a boy can dream big, right?Back in 1968, Cadillac dreamed pretty big with the Eldorado Hardtop. At 472 CID (7.7 litres) this beast had the largest post-WWII production engine ever, producing 375 bhp (280 kW).



You can't let Cadillac bask in all this big car fun themselves. That's why Lincoln came up with pretty much their flagship for luxury cars, the 1956 Continental Mark II. Apparently only a few of these were built as Ford/ Lincoln lost money on each and every car. Don't worry, they recoup their losses decades later with the Pinto.



Peter tells us the Chevrolet division of General Motors was supposed to be the lowest rung. The entry level. The basic car. I don't want to start anything here, but I'm pretty sure he also added they were the car for mouth-breathing inbred morons. Hear that, Tim? Anyway, here is the 1971 Chevrolet Impala Sport Coupe.



In spite of being an Australian engineer for Ford, Peter shows some more love for Chevy with this 1991 Chevrolet Caprice Estate. This car will, in a few short years, be the last in a dying breed, because as of '96 the wagon was no more; a phenomenon killed by the more popular SUV.



One thing about police work that the US and Australia seems to understand, but some European countries don't, is a police intercepter needs to be menacing. Its a little comical when you're outrunning the fuzz and see an adorable little yellow and green checkered Smart car struggling to keep up in your rear view. Hear that, Belgium? A sample of some of this Australian menace, the 2015 Chevrolet Caprice PPV.



Peter describes a world where big block engines ruled and so did Black Sabbath and Alice Cooper. Why you could club a baby seal right in a children's hospital and no one would take notice. But environmental do-gooders harshed everyone's good time and brought along Captain and Tennille, Olivia Newton-John and whatever band that was responsible for "Afternoon Delight". The 1972 Mercury Cougar Hardtop was the last hurrah.



But with "Afternoon Delight" comes Rick Astley, then comes Bobby McFerrin, then comes Hall and Oates, then Billy Ocean, then Men Without Hats, then Wham! Then Wham! segued to secret gay meet ups in rest stop bathrooms, then that lead directly to the death of the Mercury line with the 2011 Mercury Grand Marquis. Its all true!



But harkening back before all that, Chrysler enjoyed some fame and notariety with the 1955 Imperial Newport Hardtop Coupe. This was built in a time when men didn't meet in the rest stop bathroom for gay sex. They met for gay sex in the bathroom of the drive-in theatre instead.



Six years later the drive-in theatre was still all the rage and I'm sure plenty-a 1961 Chrysler Newport Wagon was there. With its roomy interior it was big enough to start a large family while drudging through the boring bits of the movie at the drive-in theatre and still big enough to bring the growing family along to watch kid-friendly Disney features.



Incidentally the least favorite car for starting a family in happens to be the 1961 Ford Thunderbird MkIII Convertible. While we're all a bunch of horn dogs, it seems we still prefer the privacy of a sedan, wagon or cheap roadside motel room. Coin-operated vibrating beds optional.



In the early 70's many car models grew to be the biggest in the line ever, as evidenced by this 1971 Ford LTD Country Squire Wagon. This wood-look vinyl appliqué beast of monstrous size, officially sat eight, eleven if they were kid-sized, or two Kardashians.



No you're not looking at something from the set of Back to the Future. This 1981 Checker A11 - New York City Taxi was built pretty much the same way it was back in 1958. These checkered tanks were ubiquitous to New York City for quite awhile, but a trip to the Big Apple now would mean nary a sight of any of these.



Peter remembers a past that seems to have missed me entirely. I thought I was good at this car stuff but even a Google search could not jar my memory for this admittedly rare 1972 Stutz Blackhawk Coupe. At least the search proved he was accurate in his rendition. Apparently Elvis owned four.



I don't want to spoil the future for you but a new guy named John's Drift Machines will become a 100th challenge staple when I do the next roundup about a month from now. Why invest in a photo studio when Brawny paper towels will do. Right? Here's a land yacht that is part Millennium Falcon, part toaster oven.



I'm not sure if this 1979 Toyota Hiace built by Senator Chinchilla is quite what I had in mind when I wrote the challenge but I also said to explore your own definition, so there! One thing is for sure, this beast seems to be the most likely thing to go boom in an ISIS terrorist attack. What, too soon?



This custom 1966 Pontiac Bonneville built by Lino Martins is so big, so heinous, so utterly boat-like that it punches the environment right in the god damned face! Back when this beast was built it was OK to pinch your co-worker's fanny!



Proving that great minds think alike...about the car part, not so much the fanny pinching, Tim Inman's '68 Plymouth Fury Fast Top is dark blue like mine, with a tan interior and black roof. Nuts, right? We totally didn't plan this! He sets his apart with blue ghosted flames.



That's the last of them! We had a pretty good roundup, I think. We learned that I have weird-ass dreams about being naked in an elevator and six foot party subs. We learned that Belgians are weirdos, Captain and Tennille harshed our buzz, and rest stop bathrooms are a great place to find gay trade. Paper towels make adequate photo studios in a pinch, ISIS goes kaboom and back in '66 it was cool to give your female co-workers a pinch on the fanny. I think there was something about cars in there somewhere too. What does next month have in store? Oh boy! Gee willikers! By golly! Jimminy Christmas! We have a whopper of a challenge in store for you, dontcha know! Its our 100th challenge, yo. This means prizes. Big prizes! And lots and lots of entries. We're calling it 100 Ways To Win. This is an event so big, we had to go back in time to convince astronomers to give us an extra day. I wouldn't make that up! Guess you'll just have to tune in next month to see what its all about. Laterz!

The Star Wars Awakens Round-Up

Star Wars: The Force Awakens has just become the highest grossing movie in the history of the world ever. And why not? It has cool robots and spaceships! Its the story of a troubled young man who went and made a giant douche of himself and his parents were like…we probably should have spanked him more. Or hugged him more. Or something. Apparently to raise a child right it requires the perfect balance of spanking and hugging and clearly they missed the mark by a long shot. Not that I have all the answers. Clearly I don't. I recently took my dog through one of those drive through wild animal parks cuz it seemed like a good idea at the time. There's the "how you doing?" bark, there's the "who's at the door?" bark, and then there's the bark that says"why is this happening to me? This experience is going to be in my nightmares for the rest of my doggy life!" It was that kind of bark for the whole hour it took us to drive through it all. Of course we played it off as if it was a for your own good kind of thing. If you, in your little doggy life, have never known the horror of a two ton beast eyeballing you as a snack from four inches away, then clearly we have coddled you too much! Anyway, so we did this tie-in challenge called The Star Wars Awakens. When other LEGO groups did it, they became their most successful events ever. However when we do it, it was like instead of Star wars we did a tie-in for The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Strangely, it was one of our least popular challenges ever. Sociologists centuries from now will still never understand the unpopularity of this challenge.

Out of the gate, Lino Martins shows us how its supposed to be done. The first order happens to be a custom 2016 Ford Focus RS based on the First Order TIE-Fighter with it's front and rear facing centralized seating and Hitler-rific color scheme.



Adding to his long line of vehicles from movies, Ralph Savelsberg builds a replica of the speeder bike from Return of the Jedi. Because the Redwood Forest of Northern California is pretty much the most logical place to race hard-to-handle flying bikes at breakneck speeds.



Tim Inman was so uninspired by Star Wars that he built the Buick from Mad Max: Fury Road. He spins some bs about it being kinda like a Star Destroyer but, you know, you can't really knock him for that. I am the king of spinning bs.  That's how I aced art school.



Peter Blackert tells us that apparently in New York City there was some Uber tie-in with the movie where you can request a Dodge Charger that looks a bit like a Stormtrooper, then fill it full of guys who want to kidnap Kevin Smith's daughter, Harley Quinn. What, too soon?



Next Peter tries his best at putting his engineering brain to do some customizing…well sort of. Hot Wheels put out a little Yoda car so instead of copying it exactly, he made a Smart Car into the Hot Wheels Yoda-Mobile. Makes sense, considering Yoda is small and wise. He probably wouldn't reach the foot pedals though. The Force, he will use!



Way back in '77 when this whole Star Wars thing took off, Lucasfilm officially sponsored a 1977 Toyota A20 Celica Star Wars Promotional Vehicle. The 70's relic has scenes from the movie poster emblazoned on the hood and is chock full of state-of-the-art 1977 style. Apparently there is a hunt and a reward out for this car and so far with no good leads.



About a month or so back our Big Brother's Blog had a Pimp Rey's Speeder Star Wars tie-in challenge that was likely their most popular event in the history of the world ever. When we do it…yeah, not so much. But Peter did something with Rey's speeder all those other clods couldn't do. Change up the scale and make an old-timer speedster out of it.




That's all of them. Nothing like a short, mediocre roundup for a challenge that was theoretically likely to be one of the most popular in our history. Instead we get a little roundup about four women who's tight bond is exemplified by a pair of pants that fits them all. Funny how that works out. Can you believe they've made not just one sequel, but another in the works? So what does the future of this blog hold in store? Hopefully no other reason to google chick flicks with abysmal Rotten Tomatoes scores. No, instead we're gonna need an awfully big pair of pants for the next challenge we call Land Yachts…all about gas guzzling, environmental hating full sized cars of yore. Should be fun! We'll see ya next time.