A Baker's Dozen...Roundup

Bakers live the life, don't they? Theirs is a world of cookies and pies and pastry filling. They get to wear checkered pants and a white smock...and that big, puffy hat...for some reason. Its like being an international spy except instead of pens that become blowguns and Aston Martins its all about lemon meringue and fondant. They wake up at 4am so that the rest of us can stuff our pieholes with doughnuts and eclairs to go with our lattes. My big, bloated chef's hat goes off to these dedicated men and women of the rolling pin. Say, do you know why they call it A Baker's Dozen? When you bake bread, you bake 13 loaves cuz inevitably one will go sour. Pitch it and you still have 12 to send to market. Actually, the origin of the term is far more sinister than that. It dates back to the reign of Henry II when a law passed that made it so bakers had to bake an extra loaf or else lose a hand...or an ear...or something. I don't know. What am I Encyclopedia Brittanica? I'm an American so this means I barely paid attention in European History class...or any class for that matter. My talent lies in art and writing, so watch me earn my art degree with this month's roundup called A Baker's Dozen, incidentally having nothing to do with baking bread or losing an ear, but having everything to do with building from a list of 13 vastly different and balls-out awesome automotive ideas. So you can follow along at home, these were the choices:

1. Any racing vehicle...that predates 1956
2. Any vehicle for or inspired by any superhero or villain
3. 60‘s and 70‘s era Show Rods...the crazier the better
4. Mars Society needs rovers of all types
5. Any vehicle from childhood cartoons...MASK, G.I. Joe, etc.
6. Any vehicle inspired by the new Legend of Chima line
7. Any contender for the 2014 SEMA car show
8. Any vehicle you want...customized for rock crawling
9. Any emergency vehicle...police, fire, ambulance, etc.
10. Any vehicle featured on Top Gear
11. Any tractor or combine harvester
12. Any amphibious vehicle
13. Zombie Apocalypse Killfest ‘2013...‘nuff said

How did we do? Let's see, shall we?

Mr. Koenigsegg starts up this little shindig and orders us up a #9...in this case a Police Corvette Z06 inspired by Need For Speed: Most Wanted. Its...you know...black and all police-y and stuff. Oh, remember when I was joking about kumquats? Well, I bought a batch and...well...they're way more sour than you'd think. We did make kumquat bread out of it, though.



For his second entry, Mr. Koenigsegg once again fires up his warm kitchen lights to photograph this grey Lamborghini Murcielago LP640, depicting #10. Its...you know...grey and all Murcielago-y and stuff. He tells us it comes Series 9, Episode 5 (2007). Is that the one where Hamster almost dies?



Next in line, TechnicNick goes with a #10, any vehicle featured on Top Gear. Its light weight and perfectly flat sides spells trouble for the beloved Citroen 2CV Charlston as we've seen one of these puppies blown over and demolished by a jet engine on that one episode of Top Gear. This is a great representation of the iconic little car.



Mars Society needs rovers and guess who answered the call. Agent WHO. Agent Who? WHO. No, but agent Who? Yes, Agent WHO. That's his name. Anyway, he build this ER-LS Mars Observation Rover for observing...uh...whatever shenanigans and goings on on Mars. So far nothing to report but some quick growing space fungus that wants to eat our face. Probably nothing important. Lets move on.



Legonoitallmocs shows that even renders can be overly exposed and superimposed onto a drab grey background with this pair of Aston Martin V8 Vantage police cars, depicting number 9: Any emergency vehicle. I have an emergency. I ran out of vodka and orange juice.



We may as well just call this roundup 9 or 10 cuz any emergency vehicle and any Top Gear vehicle are what people are picking. No exception to this people picking rule is Loek1990 with his render of 1998 BMW 528i Touring with the Top Gear Africa Special mods. Is that the one where Jeremy drives a Rolls Royce into a pool or the one where Walt cooks up his first batch of meth? I get my shows mixed up.



Finally, someone orders up something not from the value menu! Ralph Savelsberg goes with a #5, the Thunderhawk Camaro from MASK and in doing so totally ruins all of his childhood memories. See, Ralph was a big fan of the show as a kid, but now as a sensible adult he realizes the show was just a weak ploy to sell toys with silly plots and implausible physics. Good thing he didn't watch Rainbow Brite then.



Or My Little Pony for that matter...cuz that would make Ralph a Bronie. Speaking of bronies, his second entry features Jake and Elwood Blues with their Bluesmobile. Since its a former cop car it counts as a #9 since it still has got a cop motor, a four hundred and forty cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions and cop shocks so its all good. Remember Ralph, it is and always will be bronies before honies.



New guy MadFirePhotographer lives up to his name somehow with this Mack CF Fire Engine, presumably depicting #9. I've checked and he really is a mad fire photographer whereas I fancy myself more of a mildly perturbed photographer of lakes. Something tells me he's a one-challenge type...or we can expect lots more mad fire photography from this one.



Certainly no one trick pony is Peter Blackert. Yesiree, he's in LUGNuts for the long haul with practically a baker's dozen entries of his own. (what, you couldn't squeeze out one more?) His first entry is a #9 Ford Explorer Police Pursuit Vehicle.



Hell yes, I remember Battle of the Planets! Any English speaking kid alive in 1978 knew full well the shenanigans of these five space-adventuring-orphan-super-hero-bird-themed...space orphan...guys. Depicted here is Jason's G2 Racer.



The super-hero-space-orphan-bird guys also had their more subdued albeit totally mod civilian hipster counterparts. This time the civilian ride for the character, Jason, an interpreted 1967 Pontiac Firebird Coupe.


S'more #5 action from Peter, this time Princess' Civilian ride is a standard 70's era sportbike...with her flared hipster bell-bottoms flapping in the breeze there.



Followed by her spaced out G3 Akira inspired motorcycle. Ahh the memories. I can still hear the opening theme music. You can hear the opening theme music too...if only they invented some sort of way to watch videos on the web. Some sort of tube site where you can watch...I don't know...shows from the 70's or maybe a monkey peeing in his own mouth.



But the technology for such a website is 50 years in the future, I'm sure. Too bad, really. But for now just enjoy the timeless beauty of this MotorCity Police Department - 1951 Mercury Eight.





This just in! A hostile space fungus from Mars just landed in Washington DC and declared that it wants all Earth made rovers off their planet immediately! And is demanding to eat the President's face! More news at 11. Oh and Peter also built this tow truck.



Next Peter adds some much needed Claas to this joint. (you saw that joke coming!) This time in the form of the CLAAS JAGUAR 900-Series Harvester, depicting # 11. Finally!



And another one fitted with the maize cob silage attachment for mowing down...uh...maize cob silage stuff. Peter tells us the Claas Distribution Center is on the way to work so occasionally he gets to stop in to talk to the nice friendly folks there.



I had a similar experience on the way to my work. While on the bus to work, I once saw a homeless guy bend over to throw up into the garbage can and he split his pants while he did it. I coulda gone my whole life without seeing that but no, I gotta live with that memory for all eternity now! Oh and Peter built an Alfa Romeo Giulia Berlina - 105 Series Italian police car.



Finally someone orders a #2, in this case, Peter's Iron Man themed Audi R8 monster truck. The monster truck aspect of it screams inbred redneck but the Audi R8 part demurely nods to performance and luxury. Its a dichotomy like sleeveless tuxedoes or ass-less pants.



Cripes, there's that memory again! They spilt all the way from like front belt loop to back belt loop. And his ass wasn't even clean, either, but you know...what else would you expect from a hobo puking into a can. Anyway, lets rid ourselves of this vision by thinking happy thoughts. Puppies. Balloons. Kittens. A miniland scale Mercedes-Benz W196R Rennwagen 'Monza' Streamliner used in the 1954-55 Formula One World Championship.



You know what's so sweet about this all-inclusive way of blogging? Fritz4783's mowing tractor gets equal billing. Hey, maybe I write about monkeys peeing in their own mouths and and space fungus eating your face but at least it gets you blogged, right? Try getting this over at our Big Brother's blog. Its almost cute in its naivety, this tractor.



And speaking of our Big Brothers, they seemed to have liked Lino Martins (hey, that's me!) Stars N'Stripes Divco depicting #7. And what's not to love about it? Patriotism and nostalgia are always big winning tickets at the SEMA show and here at LUGNuts. Its just too bad that my photo editing made it a bit too over-exposed. There were no sunny days in June here is Seattle so I had to overcompensate. I gotta get me a better photo booth!



Last but not least, Rolic finishes us all off with a 1949 Ferrari 166MM...a contender for the old-timey races. He tells us it took so long from build to post that he forgot the car's make and year. Yeah, that'll happen.



That's all of them, right? So...how did we do? I wanted variety with these 13 vastly different choices and variety is what I got. Sadly, no one even touched numbers 3,6,8,12, and 13. Oh, the possibilities! But if we wanted to see Amphicars or rock crawlers, we'll just have to wait another time. And those zombies lurking about aren't going to kill themselves, you know! Great, thanks to you people we have undead zombies who need to be...um...more dead. Anyway what's in store for next month? If we don't all die from a zombie infestation, its the drug fueled psychedelic acid trip we like to call Summer of '69...all about 60's era cars, trucks, and bikes. Its all about incense, peppermints, and peace and love to your fellow man. Will yours be a 6-fo Impala lowrider or a totally groovy VW bus? We'll just have to wait and see. I for one, have something totally balls-out awesome in store for you! Yep. So tune in next month, same bat time...same bat channel! Grooooooovy man, Grooooooooovvvvvvvy!

May The Force Be With You...Roundup

I ain't going to lie to y'all. I'm quite skilled at writing good humor. Its like a special gift I have. let me show you what I mean. A duck visits a psychologist and after the session was over the doctor asks the duck " so how would you like to pay me?" The duck says "just put it on my bill." HAH! get it? Cuz he's a duck! And he has a bill! Hah! I can't believe how hilarious I am! Yes, I'm a real piece of work. But seriously, ladies and gents... please, there is no need to grovel. I put on my pants in the morning just like everyone else...one leg at a time. Except once my pants are on, I write phenomenal jokes. But can anyone do it? Do you have the creative chops to write like me, to be as funny as me? For this month's Star Wars themed build challenge called May The Force Be With You, I ask my car club to do just that...come up with their own 3-6 Star wars infused lines written with my particular brand of sardonic slander. It was supposed to be a time saving venture...you write your own write-up and I ride a Ferris wheel or kidnap an elected official or whatever it is I do in my free time. How did we do? Well, some participated, others left their write up in my hands. Which was which? You'll have to guess. Here we go.

Rolic starts us off with the notion that what if Star Wars took place on Earth? The answer, well duh, is a dual wheel, balancing gyro Darth Vader TIE-Fighter thingy. No need for wide avenues to turn this baby around. No siree, it'll do a 180 degree spin in the other direction...perfect for when you just miss your exit on the highway.



There are two things this world needs: A video on youtube of some kid puking into a slide trombone, and F1 racers based on the X-Wing Fighter and TIE Fighter. Well, at least one of our prayers have been answered. Legonoitallmocs renders the X-Wing F1 Racer...



While his buddy Mr. Koenigsegg takes on the F1 TIE-Fighter version. We can all go home happy now. You heard me, get the hell outta here! Git! We're done here. Unless you've got some video of a kid puking into a slide trombone with all of it spilling out onto his bandmates, you can all get bent!



...Or stick around a little longer to see what the LEGO pros are doing. Its always a pleasure when real live LEGO designers class up this otherwise lowbrow joint. In this case we have a mashup of two great designers, Craig Cellum doing the building while Mark Stafford did the photography. It is a mashup in itself of what would happen if VW teams up with whatever company makes the AT-AT.



Two great LEGO designers aren't enough when you have yet another. NKubate joins our team to create this Naboo Starracer. In my opinion it is a textbook example of what this challenge should be like...cool Star Wars mashup rides, LEGO royalty...and maybe a kid puking into a slide trombone. Is that too much to ask?



We go from LEGO royalty to...well...Tim Inman. But despair not, as he is chock full of raw talent as evidenced by this Jensen Interceptor that looks a bit like an A-Wing. Even if his hobbies usually lead to restraining orders, Tim is a talented builder. And it only takes one of these to demolish two Super Star Destroyers and a Death Star.



And speaking of hobbies that usually lead to restraining orders, Lino Martins flubs his first day on the job at Lucas Ranch by building Obi-Wan's Jedi Starliner, instead of Starfighter. With its color scheme, blue taillights, and astromech crammed under the hood, it follows the starship's design cues nicely. Too bad Lino didn't follow Lucas' directions nicely!



Dornbi takes on the AMC Rebel "Machine"...X-Wing edition with all of it...uh...rebel...X-Wingy red and white glory. I don't know about you, but I'm excited to get my grubby mitts on the new UCS X-Wing set. But why didn't it come with the larger scale R2 head? They already have the dark red R4-P17 dome, so why not an R2? That would be freakin' balls out awesome!



And speaking of freakin' balls out awesome, Dodge pays homage to the two bestest buddies a galaxy far, far away has ever known. No I don't mean Zigfried and Roy. I mean R2-D2 and C-CPO in the form of a motorcycle and sidecar. Its what the world needs more of. That and midget bowling.



Wait, did Legonoitallmocs build another entry? Crap, yes he did! That ruins my X-wing and TIE-Fighter F1 joke so I'm just going to leave it here. Enjoy it in all its TIE-Fighter hot rod glory. Apparently the canopy can't open cuz the oversized engine is in the way. Nice planning. Now that is the true spirit of hot-rodding!



Next up is Raphy's airport shuttle... a clever tribute to the space shuttle which the Rebels stole from the Imperials in Return of the Jedi. This totally reminds me of the van I had in college. Which would sort of explain the big hairy moaning dude in the front passenger seat. Every time we’d pass by the cops he'd be like, "RHOAAAGHH" and I'd be like "just fly casual, Chewie", hoping they wouldn't notice the purple haze milling about the inside. HAH!! I can't believe how funny I am sometimes. Moving on.



Never on time but always entertaining is Lego911. His first entry makes perfect sense considering the inspiration for this speeder was a hot rod anyway. Here is a speederrod with Lino-Wan-Kenobi and young Proudwalker trying to impress chicks with their LEGO lightsaber. C'Mon, you can't tell me you haven't tried it.



I pretty much can't imagine the chrome and yellow Naboo Starfighter anymore without it being first inspired by the curvy Studabaker. I also can't imagine a world without a video of some kid puking into a slide trombone but in spite of my best research efforts the world seems woefully void of it. Someone please make that happen and I'll die a happy man...in about 40 or 50 years.



And long before you die you should pick up the Jabba's Palace set as it has been discontinued. You see, some Turkish people got offended as the palace somewhat resembles a sacred Turkish mosque and they feel Jabba is a stereotype of a fat hooka smoking Turkish crime lord. I say no to that! If they wanted him to be the stereotype of a fat hooka smoking Turkish crime lord they would have put a fez on his head! Oh and Peter built a TIE solar racer.



And speaking of hooka smoking, now it all makes sense. I imagine a bunch of smelly hippie jawas crammed into a rusted old VW bus trekking through the desert on the way to Burning Man. THAT's what the sandcrawler was all about! A minute ago the world had no meaning but now it all makes sense...plus my hand is like waaaaay huge, dude!



Does anyone else smell waffles? Anyway, never mind. My fave of the Peter bunch happens to be the penultimate entry, the General Motors Futureliner as the Slave I. The colors don't even match the ship, but in terms of purpose and Art Deco design you can't beat the shapely beauty of this Futureliner.



Rounding up our roundup is the Buick Landspeeder Y-Job...the perfect thing for cruising for burgers and shakes under the Tatooine sun with your good buddies Ben Kenobi, C-3PO and R2-D2. Ah them were the days! Ben was a real stoner, you could totally turn R2 into a keg, and the less said about 3PO the better. Still, it was good times, man. Good times.



Like most good stories and some massages, this roundup has a happy ending. Kids, go ask your parents what I mean by that. Then they'll promptly turn on the child safety chip an you'll never be able to read this blog again. And good riddance, you little shit stains, you shouldn't be here anyway! Wait what?! Never mind. So did any of you guess who wrote their own write up and who didn't? Raphy wrote his, I wrote my own ahead of time and the rest were left to my very capable hands. Turns out the rest of youse just don't have the gift of gab. Ferris wheels and elected officials alike can take solace in knowing that it wasn't really a time saving venture after all. Probably for the best, really...we don't wanna tear a hole in the space-time continuum or anything. So, what does next month have in store? We have a little challenge we like to call A Baker's Dozen. There is a list of 13 totally balls-out awesome vehicle ideas to choose from. What you do with it is entirely up to you. Should be totally balls-out exciting! That reminds me, I gotta return these totally balls-out books to the totally balls-out library...maybe get a totally balls-out frappuccino while I'm at it. Stay tuned and we'll see ya next month. Balls!