Places, Everyone…Roundup

So last month I joked that I’ve been learning how to play guitar on Rocksmith for a few months now and the best I can do on a song is 67.9% accuracy. As a result, I wrote a particularly mediocre roundup and hilarity ensued. At the end of it, I wrote something along the lines of “Here’s to hoping I can bring my guitar playing and blog writing up to a solid C-...but no guarantees.” Frankly, I was going to ditch that idea and write about something else this month. But, wouldn’t you know it, I revisit the song “My Generation” , after a long hiatus of doing other things, and, low and behold, I score 70.3% accuracy!  So welcome to the roundup that I am obliged to make a solid C-. That’s good enough to get me a real estate license but not good enough for say...air traffic control. You heard me real estate agents. Do you want me to repeat myself? Yours is an occupation where passing a high school equivalency test is good enough. Its the job you get when you’re a mom who turns 45 and you no longer have a cheerleader’s body due to popping out a couple of kids and your rich husband leaves you for a younger woman. Think about that as you gulp down a couple of Zoloft with a gin chaser, won’t you? Think I’m being too harsh? Then I challenge you to prove me wrong, dear readers. Prove me wrong. Anyway, this month’s challenge is called Places, Everyone...all about cars, trucks, and bikes with place names.

Once again Peter Blackert starts us off and takes this as an opportunity to build every car in the history of the world ever. His first entry showcases a couple of oldsters standing next to an Ibiza SEAT MKIV. Peter tells us Ibiza is an island with an uninhibited party atmosphere and is a popular place for young Brits to make a dicks of themselves.

This must be what he means...note the shape of the man’s head.

Next on the SEAT slab is a Toledo 5 door liftback in blue. Toledo is a small ancient city in the centre of Spain, and is also the name of the province in which it is located. Its also a place in Ohio where I found a humungous bra just laying on the street in front of God and everybody.

Next up is the larger SEAT C-Segment Leon. Peter tells us the city and province of Leon lie in the northwest of Spain and is an ancient city founded by the Romans. The city has played a major role in Spain's cultural, trade and political life for nearly two millennia.Orange shoes and vest apparently required.

Largest of the SEAT range of vehicles is the SEAT Alhambra MPV. This vehicle has three rows of seats for up to 7 passengers. And also Peter tells us about Moorish Kings and fortresses in Alabama or something.

Shown next is the 1986 Holden Calais Turbo.The place of Calais is a port city in France from whence Brits frequently enter Europe and wash their hair.

This 1966 Buick Riviera was awesome! 'Riviera' being a name commonly associated with the Mediterranean lowlands of France and Italy and where I assume Ricardo Montalban was from flexing his pecks and sexing up the ladies.

This is a 1956 Ferrari 860 Monza Barchetta Sportscar racer and is named for the Italian Monza race circuit where the four cylinder Ferrari sportscars debuted in 1954. See, with Peter around we learn lots of things.

Named for the body of water and the island nations contained in its warm pirate-riddled water, the 1954 Packard Caribbean Convertible was intended to remind people of a relaxing life by the beach in sunnier climes. I think of rum.

But lets face it, I often think of rum. That and that one hilarious time I didn’t flush at a Burger King bathroom. Anyway, taking its name from the Corsica Company coachbuilder on Corsica Street, Kings Cross, London, is this one-off sinister looking 1930 Bentley Speed Six Corsica Coupe. Nice!

Who am I kidding? It was more than once. Boy, were those Burger King employees pissed! Adding some much needed class to this joint is a 1924 Bugatti Type-23 Brescia. Amazingly, race-track success spurred serious demand, and close to 2,000 chassis were produced. This is Chassis No. 2243, a green Tourer.

Peter says my pre-challenge spiel is always a place for good ideas. Indeed it is. But I never reveal my own ideas in the write up. Bet you didn’t know that! Anyway, here is the 1957 Chrysler New Yorker Hardtop Coupe.

Named after the inland plateau amongst the mountains south of where Peter grew up in Australia, the Monaro was the Australian GM outpost - Holden's answer to the American V8 Muscle car idiom.

Next on the Peter slab is a couple of historic Holden Belmonts. The 'Belmont' name was attached to 4-door sedans, wagon, and also the commercial vehicles, shown here in tan Ute (utility) and white Panel Van forms.

Proving to be an inspiration to us all, a brick version of this rendered 1919 Australia Lincoln Six Speedster was brick built by Flickr member 'Lazy Meerkats' for display at the Birdwood museum and it also made it to Melbourne's 'Brickvention'.

See, kids, copying relentlessly does pay! Copying from my own write up, Peter finds inspiration in a 1956 Lincoln Capri Hardtop coupe shown here in what looks to be prosthetic leg orange.

When I think of Milan I think of expensive handbags, fashionable boots and sleek, expressionless models on the runway showing off the goods in sheer outfits. Peter thinks of the 2010 mercury Milan in dark grey.

The very small town of Tarago in Australia apparently inspired this 1990 Tarago minivan. You can probably fit the entire population of Tarago in it and still have room for Burt Reynold’s mustache.

Morris Motors was founded in 1912 and was named after an orange overweight finicky homosexual cat who hawked 9Lives cat food for a living. Right? I’m pretty sure that’s true. Anyway, here’s a 1959 Morris Oxford in sand green.

No its not just a place to buy books, CDs and the occasional women’s undergarments online. Its also not just a huge jungle in Brazil, which is also the source of most of the Oxygen we breathe. The Amazon was also a Volvo in 1956. Who knew!

The Ford Motor Company was big on exotic locations to name its vehicles in the 1960s. The Cortina, first introduced in 1962, was no exception. Shown here is the Cortina MkIV from 1976 in classy beige and brown.

And, lastly, Japan is known for square watermelon and groping on crowded subways. Its true, there is even a name for it...frottage. They are not known, however, for cars with place names. One exception, and notably also for being named after a Japanese city, is the Mitsubishi Sapporo of 1978. 

When you grope someone on a subway that isn’t crowded that’s called a lawsuit. Not that Dohoon Kim would know anything about that. He does, however, know all about the 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona, named after a beach where groping is encouraged.

He also knows all about the Dodge Royal Monaco, named after a small country where its OK to leave an unflushed surprise in a Burger King bathroom. Probably. Actually, I didn’t really research that one. I’m pretty much just dialing it in at this point.

And speaking of an unflushed surprise, Tim Inman squeezes out this stunning 1941 Graham Hollywood. Man, he makes it hard to write jokes when this creation looks so good! I love the chrome elements.

Loek1990 renders an Opel Monza concept car. Sorry, no jokes here. I’m still drooling over Tim’s Hollywood Graham. Man, what a beauty!

OK, must think funny thoughts. Must think funny thoughts! OK, got it! Here goes. New guy, Sir Manperson, admittedly the only recent LUGNuts member I was afraid to look at his photostream while at work for fear of seeing hardcore gay porn, builds a 4-wide Charger Daytona.

Turns out Manperson is just a normal kid who likes cars and LEGO. Nah, go ahead, have a look, I checked, its all safe. But he does have a habit of apologizing for everything he posts. His second entry, he apologetically calls the Pebble Beach.

Never needing to apologize for anything he does is Ralph Savelsberg and his 1958 Plymouth Fury known as Christine. Its a story about a boy who loves his car and his jealous scornful car that goes on murderous rampages every time he smiles at another girl. I think I dated her once!

And speaking of murderous rampages, Lino Martins finishes us off with this 1984 Monte Carlo SS all decked out in over-the-top Donk attire. Donks are a phenomenon you find primarily in the US “dirty south” rap culture. I saw a few of these while visiting New Orleans. My tagline: “Safe, Practical, Sensible. The Monte Carlo SS”. Ironic considering I’ve never built anything safe, practical or sensible.

And with that bombshell we end yet another unsafe, impractical and senseless roundup. How’d I do? A solid C-, just as expected. Hey, at least I pull through with my promises. So what’s in store for the future of LUGNuts, then? Next month, I promise a mediocre roundup for a little challenge I like to call LUGNuts Goes Wingnuts. Lets face it, aircraft are pretty cool and ever since I lit my first paper airplane on fire and threw it into a third grade classroom, I’ve been fascinated by things that fly. Our own Ralph Salvelsberg (whom I presume had a less destructive fascination with aircraft) offers his inspiration and expertise in the matter. Plenty of cars bikes and trucks were inspired by aircraft so this will be your month to build them. Also, for the first time ever in LUGNuts history, you may also build the aircraft that inspired your automobile entry. Sound good? So tune in next month where I promise to spend a couple nights writing mediocre jokes and wishing I was building instead, the eight of you might get a chuckle out of it (or not) and somebody will leave a comment having nothing at all to do with the roundup. I promise.