Order By Numbers Roundup

Welcome to the best blog on the net that no one reads. That'll all change as the all LUGNuts issue of brickJournal is coming out real soon. This means a lot of new lookyloos will suddenly become hip to our LEGO car buildin', crass bloggin' ways. So since we'll have a lot of new eyes on us, lets bring the newbies up to speed on what we're all about. When it comes to dog ownership, food goes in the sharp end and poop comes out the stinky end...and never the other way around. Bane from The Dark Knight Rises sounds like Sean Connery trapped in a toilet while eating a sub sandwich, Three-Peckered Billy Goat coffee is the bee's knees and aluminum foil on your head will keep the monsters at bay. When a lady is present, we can't tuck in our shirts as none of us wear any pants around here, and Burt Reynolds is the reason my dog puked on the rug. Tim is no stranger to paying for strange, Ralph has definitely time traveled and is the reason we now have strip clubs and you can always expect one disgraceful sacrilege or another from Rolic. Ok, I think that about covers it. Now that we've brought the new readers up to speed...and then scared them away, lets get to this month's build challenge called Order By Numbers...all about choosing 10 vastly different ideas off a menu. For quick reference, here are the orders we had to choose from:

1. A legendary vehicle...in Europe
2. Raphy makes a Batman trilogy in 2025 and Catwoman needs a new set of wheels
3. Some good ol' American muscle
4. A vehicle to go with the new LEGO Monster Fighters line
5. A vehicle suitable for a James Bond movie
6. A hard working farm vehicle
7. A vehicle to contend in the 2013 races
8. Any badass vehicle...customized to accommodate a wheelchair
9. The perfect vehicle for a family road trip
10. A vehicle to handle any extreme terrain

Lets see how we did, shall we?


Tim Inman starts us off and orders up a #3...Some good ol' American muscle. In this case a totally badass, balls out gray and black 1970 Plymouth Roadrunner called Hammer.It was the car that Vin Diesel drove in the final scene of "Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift." And if Vin Diesel is involved, you know its got to be good!



When it comes to American muscle cars, just like chips, no one can eat just one. That's why Tim orders up another, but this time a lime green'71 Hemi 'Cuda convertible. Who's that aloof fig with his arms crossed? Why that's none other than Don Johnson. If you want one of these for reals, yo...be prepared to plunk down well over a million dollars. I'll see what I have in the couch cushions.



No stranger to going up for a third helping at the all-you-can-eat buffet, Tim graces us once again, but this time mixes up a combination of #1, #5 and #7 with this Maserati Tipo 151/3. This car is laden with a dry sump something or other, 15 inch doohickies, Dunlop thingamajigs and all kinds of other techno-fritz I don't understand. Let me share a little secret with you new readers...Tim is a real car guy. I, on the other hand, am a real car dunce.



How am I qualified to lead this group, then? I have a way with words and apparently some mad skill with the brick.None of that skill was made apparent however when Lino Martins (hey, that's me!) ordered up a #1 and presented this 2012 Fiat 500. The result: scores of comments about how the tires are too small, and I messed up the back end. Turns out there's just no love for this little car. Awwww nuts!



But there is plenty of love for LEGO Junkie and his camo Tumbler from The Dark Knight Rises. It technically qualifies as a #10 as the streets and rooftops of Gotham are pretty extreme. Is it time for a seemingly unrelated joke? If you ever see Howie Mandel, tell him Burt Reynolds will break a foot off in his ass. He'll totally know why.



Living up to his name, LEGO junkie tweaks out again, but this time with Bane's Semi, also qualifying as a #10. The extreme terrain in question presumably would be Batman's face. Bane is such a badass. Its too bad in the movie he sounded like a kind old pensioner who wanted to sit in a rocking chair and tell me war stories while falling asleep mid



Making good on the aforementioned sacrilege disgrace, Rolic picks on poor handicapped Batman. Yes, Bane breaks the bat and as a result he now has to tool around in this wheelchair accessible classic El Camino, which presumably only gets classic rock stations. Still Batman falls out of his wheelchair anyway. Is it wrong to laugh? If so, I don't wanna be right. This is hilarious! Hey, at least he gets all the best parking spaces now. Right? Right?



Don't taze me, LEGO bro! Sorry, couldn't resist the reference. It was like 5 years ago in Florida. Remember? Anyway, look it up on youtube...but before you do, take a nice long steamy gawk at this bright blue Bugatti Type 57SC Atlantic. Its tazer-ific!



Lets say you're in England, just drinking tea, minding your own business and doing whatever it is people do in England. Now lets say the Thames floods and suddenly you're ass over tea kettle in water. What to do? Luckily, Ralph Savelsberg averts the crisis with this Land Rover Defender in the livery of the Royal National Lifeboat Institution, a British charity dedicated to saving lives at sea. Jolly good indeed!



Later, Ralph orders up a second helping, but this time he has a craving for the Citroen 2CV Charleston...a legendary vehicle in Europe, but not in the US. Our LUGNuts member with a doctorate degree makes it a point to tell us this car is a horrible little shitbox but it developed a bit of cult-status over the years and was in production for several decades. Tee-hee! He said a naughty word!



Lets say you're in the bathroom, just drinking tea, minding your own business and doing whatever it is people do in the bathroom. Now lets say you're suddenly very, very bored and figured the bathroom could use some spicing up. What to do? Luckily, The Bing-Bong Brothers flushes out a real winner with this bathroom Lamborghini seen here negotiating the punishing terrain of the bathroom counter. Remember, if its yellow let it mellow.



Are you comfortable? Do you have your feet up and wrapped in a blanket? Have you brewed yourself some Three-Peckered Billy Goat coffee? Why not? Get to it, god damn it! For you new readers I always crack similar jokes at the start of Lego911's entries cuz Peter is the world's most prolific builder and this is gonna be a long haul. He starts us off with a Jaguar F-Type GT2 Racer, qualifying as a #7.



Next the prolific Peter orders up a #1 with a generous helping of BMW 2002 TI. He tells us its the ultimate driving machine genesis.Speaking of which, remember when that one guy let somebody drown off his boat? Then Phil Collins invites him to his show and plays that real creepy song "In The Air Tonight" and the whole place is dark except for one spotlight on the guy the whole time. You know what I'm taking about?



Dude, you can't deny its totally true! Even that Emenem song "Stan" referenced it, so if Emenem raps about it, you know its totally true. Just like that story of Richard Gere and that gerbil. Oh, and Peter builds some American muscle...a badass '68 Olds Hurst Sport Coupe.



Next Peter tells us the Bowler EXR-S Ultimate Offroader can handle any terrain, making it a top contender for the Paris-Dakar races and the perfect #10 for our challenge. It was also seen in the Top Gear's England vs Germany challenge. I haven't seen that one yet so don't spoil it for me. I was gonna see that Titanic movie then someone told me the boat sinks and the whole ending was spoiled so I said awwww screw it.



Oh wait, is Peter done? Already? That wasn't so bad. Anyway, if you're like me, you've spent many a night crying on your sweaty pillow wishing someone would contribute a number 4 to the challenge. Luckily, Volume X remedies all our crying and night sweats with this Zombie Junk Racer...made to look like an official LEGO Monster Fighters set. I'd totally buy that.



I'd also plunk my hard earned scratch down on his second entry, a TRT or Tactical Riot Truck. Its like a party in my mouth and everyone is being arrested. And sprayed with pepper gas and a riot hose. Heh! Riot hose! I know, right! I can't believe how funny I am! Where do I think up this stuff?



Where does Gilcelio think up his stuff, for that matter? He's submitted a number 10 and a Batman vehicle simply called Bane. Yes, the venom-enduced bruiser has his own look-alike vehicle to pound Batman's face into a pulp. Poor Batman. He's really taking a beating with the riot hose this month. Hah, RIOT HOSE!!



Raphy finishes out our roundup with a Saab Sonet III that qualifies as an order #1. What it lacks in riot hoses and the ability to beat Batman's face into a pulp, it makes up for in yellow and black Saab goodness. Its like a party in my mouth and everyone is swimming in grease. Or something. I don't know, my jokes just went stale.



Perfect timing, too. That was this month's round up, kids. What did you new readers think? Like most things in life, this roundup started with poking fun at Vin Diesel, ended with a greasy taste in my mouth and there was some tazing and making fun of the handicapped somewhere in between. Sort of like a job interview I had recently. So, what to we have in store for next month? You'll have to tune in next month to see, but its a little challenge we like to call Nifty Fifties, Daddy-O...all about 50's era cars. Many people cite the 50's as their fave automotive era so we're bound to have some pretty exciting entries with mile long fins and copious chrome. I, for one, can't wait to see how this all unfolds. So for now I'll sit in my 50's era bomb shelter, sip a highball and hope the commie reds don't harsh my conservative groove. What? Its what they did in the fifties!

From Mild To Wild Roundup

In case you didn’t see it, this won’t spoil the whole plot or anything, so don’t worry...but before seeing The Dark Knight Rises, I didn’t know what Bane sounded like. With his ripped muscles, his cold, malevolent glare, and his whole scary head I just assumed he’d have a certain deep growl full of venom and seething rage...but no. Back me up on this, people, but didn’t he sound just like Sean Connery trapped in a toilet while eating a sub sandwich? And guess what, Bane...that wasn’t a sub sandwich! C’mon, Tom Hardy, ever since seeing you in Bronson, I have been a huge fan of yours and I still am. Really, I am. And I know they’ve done some post-production tweaking to make you more easily understood through that Hannibal Lecter/ Darth Vader respirator thingy, but even you have to agree that voice didn’t quite match the sinister persona...it was better suited for a kind old man who wants to sit in a rocking chair and tell me war stories. Don’t worry, big guy, I’ve poked fun at some big and powerful people around here...just ask your co-star Christian Bale. Anyway, Tom, and the rest of you, hope you like grown-ass men playing with Legos, because here is the From Mild To Wild Roundup where we take last month’s mild entries and customize them into some truly wild creations. Lets see how we did.

Jonathan Derksen sets the mood for the challenge and shows us all how its done. You’d never guess that this bubble top space age Ed Roth looking surf-mobile thingy was once a plain old ’69 El Camino. Balsy as is, but super wild in the hands of Jonathan, this creation would even have Bane saying “WHERE DOESH HE GET THOSH WONDEWFUL TOYS!”



Last month Technicfenix13 entered a technic bicycle thingy. This month he entered two more technic bicycle thingies, customized from the original.The black version with the water bottle is for touring while the red and white is for racing.



Then later in the challenge he comes back with a color swapped technic version of his own bike, with the real thing posted for reference. he also tells us that he ordered a plain white studio background so future entries will be top notch sparkling clean! I hope he didn’t spend a bundle on this...cuz mine are just three pieces of foamcore.



No stranger to spending a bundle on his entries is Bricksonwheels with a trucking beast he simply calls The Dragon. With its copious chrome and Magic card graphics, this Scania R730 was already one of his most tricked out trucks ever. So how does he make it even more so? With an additional 2000 bricks in an equally pimped out trailer and a fresh new spoiler, that’s how!



On the 4th of July, what better way to wish us Americans a happy Independence Day than Lego911 (an Aussie) building a 1956 Oldsmobile 88 Holiday Hardtop Coupe all-American 4th of July-mobile. Its just as American as the Statue of Liberty (built by the French) and french fries! (apparently the French not involved with that one) Thanks, Peter!



These LUGNuts roundups would be nothing without a whole slew of entries from Lego911. In case our American 4th of July celebrations get out of hand, what with the fireworks and whatnot, the world’s most prolific LEGO builder saves our crispy bacon with a Ford Ranger P375 Offroad Fire Response Vehicle. In was inspired by Matchbox, who decided to make a real brush truck. neat!



This next Lego911 model Alfa Romeo 105 Coupe Giulia Sprint GTA replica has been outfitted for racing with a high output engine and a round white target on the side...which makes it go faster. The engine, not the white target. The target just makes it look faster...plus it provides a place to put your racing number. Or a smiley face drawn with a sharpie. Yeah, that’s it.



Fear not, Alfa Romeo fans! If one wasn’t enough Peter pipes in again with this MAGNUS Racing Alfa Romeo 105 Giulia Sprint GTA Coupe. I know, I could totally tell you all were going to cry yourselves to sleep, then wake up in a puddle of your own puke. Am I right? Well, crisis averted. Nicely done.



Lastly Peter shows us many ways to customize a 1957 Chevy in all of its various forms. First the stock version, then exposed headers and custom zig-zag paint job in the hard top, convertible topless model, and finally my fave, the wagon. Somewhere down the line some perv is gonna keyword “topless model” looking for boobies and find this roundup instead. Hah! Jokes on you, pervs!



No stranger to perving the net is Rolic. Probably. I don’t know. Anyway, when he entered his Mercedes Popemobile last month as his Plain Jane entry, even the most devout of us had hoped he would commit the ultimate sacrilege with this month’s entry. Our prayers were answered with this Popemobile Dragster...or Pogster. And now His Holy Grace can bless our heathen souls at a breakneck 280MPH. Praise the Lord, bitches!



Wait, what? That was rude, even for me. Speaking of me, Lino Martins pays tribute to the late, great Boyd Coddington with this custom surf wagon called Lizard King. It used to be an ugly rusted 1960 Mercury Colony Park but now its all shiny, new and green, both in color and good for the environment. Boyd built his original version for Sobe, mine was built for me and my shelf. And to possibly take the top prize at BrickCon 2012. In your face, Inman!



And speaking of Tim Inman, he just might swipe that top trophy with this chrome-laden pimped out donk GMC Sierra 3500 HD simply called Malevolent. This entry went from big and badass last month to OMFG! this month, with its Monster logo, strip of sponsors and its huge donk rims. I never thought I’d say this, but Tim, your hefty badonkadonk has got me straight up trippin’, boo!



Tell that to a girl in a bar and she’ll either slap you or sleep with you. One or the other. Maybe both, I don’t know. But presumably too young for girls and going to bars is Raphy with his A-Team van. I totally called this entry when he posted his plain white van last month. I pity the fool who don’t like this van!



Next, Raphy chimes in with yet another retro van from before his time, but this one honors Cannonball Run. You ask Raphy why and he’ll tell you...cuz Burt Reynolds, that’s why! Incidentally, I can assure you that is the only reason you’ll ever need for most things in life. Its the same reason I used recently for why my dog puked on the carpet, why I didn’t pay my cable bill, and why I ate an entire 2 1/2 lb. can of Chef Boyardee ravioli. True story.



They said all that junk food would go to my thighs. Well, it didn’t. (see also reason for why my dog puked on the rug) But all that junk food did go to Dylan Denton’s 1997 Toyota MR-2 Turbo Widebody. With its alloy rims, body kit, and lowered stance, this sports some nice customizations from his original entry. Plus the Japanese Coca-cola graphics really makes ties it all together. In Japan, Coca-cola translates to bite the wax tadpole or something. True story.



Jmaokoen probably knows very little about biting the wax tadpole but surely knows all about the Austin Healey Endurance. In 1953 Donald Healey set out to create a land speed record car. The result: Averaging 132.29 mph. of Austin Healey badassery! I’ve got only one thing to say about that: Praise the Lord, bitches!



Well, with that we end the From Mild To Wild Roundup. It was only one entry less than the month before so I think we did pretty ok. I’m hoping next month will be one of the best challenges ever. We call it Order By Numbers, and with a menu of 10 vastly different automotive ideas to choose from I’m hoping to see some truly stunning entries. As of this writing, we have only one entry, but the month is still young so we’ll see how it goes. I hope more will enter, and when they do, I hope they bring their A-Game. You know why? Burt Reynolds, that’s why. But also...the all LUGNuts issue of BrickJournal will come out in September. Yep, a lot of new eyes will be on us, so lets show them we’re worth the hype. Got it? Good! Oh and Tom Hardy, if you’re reading this, even with the silly voice you were still one of the most badass villains in cinematic history. I mean that. Those glittery twinks over at Twilight had nothing on you, big guy. So no hard feelings, OK? Are we friends now? Wait, let me say that in a way you’ll understand. AHHH WE FWENDS NOW!

Plain Jane Roundup

I've only been a doggy daddy for a couple months now but I think I have this pet ownership thing down pat. Food goes in the sharp end, poop comes out the stinky end...and never the other way around. That's pretty much it. I've done so well at this that I've received my first ever Father's Day card...from my dog. It has a crazy looking dog on the front with aluminum foil on her head and inside it says "thank you for protecting me from the monsters under the bed, Daddy." Finally, a card that knows this monster protection stuff is serious business...and the helmet of aluminum foil is crucial. Knowing full well my fathering skills only goes so far without caffeine, she also got me a bag of coffee...uh, presumably with her own money. Was it Three-peckered Billy Goat coffee? No, but something equally good from the same makers...Wicked Wolf Gourmet coffee, which features a snarling wolf on the bag. Appropriate from a dog, I'd think. So brew yourself a cup of Wicked Wolf and sit back and see how we did in the first ever two part, two month challenge we call Plain Jane...all about run down plain old automobiles and how we'll customize the ever lovin' bejesus outta them later.

Hey, I had to segue from my silly opener into the build challenge somehow, right? Anyway, first on the Plain Jane slab takes the cake for the weirdest entry yet, Rolic and his...uh...Mercedes Benz Popemobile. How is he ever gonna customize this already custom ride? No clue! But I hope he commits the ultimate sacrilege while doing so. Cuz, you know, this roundup wouldn't be right without sacrilege!



Next jmaokoen takes a tricked out Austin Healey 3000 and well...presents it as such. Its not particularly plain or run down, in fact its pretty pristine so it makes you wonder if he didn't follow the directions...or he has something completely brilliant planned. This entry raises more questions than answers so we'll just have to wait and see how it all turns out.



Jonathan Derksen asked for a random assignment and got the 1969 El Camino. He pulls through and its looking mighty plain and mighty...white. As is, its like a loaf of Wonder Bread...plain, dull, and uninspiring. But this dull loaf has plenty of potential to become focaccia bread. In fact, the observant viewer may see that he had already tricked out this dull loaf to the nines! But we'll talk about that next month.



Later in the challenge Jonathan chimes in with his own assignment, a Fiat X1/9. Its red and black and fully functioning with opening doors and even flip up headlights. its rather nice as is so it makes you wonder just what does he have up his sleeve for next month. If his first customized entry is any indicator, this one is gonna be out of this world!



Forget speed, forget horsepower...forget the engine altogether! TechnicFenix13 knows that pedal power is where it's at with his entry...a bicycle. Just how is he going to customize this thing? Flames on the fender? Banana seat? Ape hanger bars? Those frilly tassel thingies on the handle bars? I don't know...but one this is for sure, it won't have a photo studio backdrop.



I hope that Wicked Wolf coffee is going down easy. Are you sitting comfortable? Do you have some cheese and crackers maybe? Cuz lego911 is about to start his usual long tirade of multiple entries, the first being the '57 Chevy 210. Its looking pretty stellar as stock so I can only imagine what he has planned for this classic. Maybe he'll make it a jumpin' lowrider!



Next Peter clocks in with a rather plain Alfa Romeo 1750 GTV Coupe in white. The mind reels with anticipation over how this can be customized...perhaps a thumpin' stereo and some douche bag rims are in order. I just have no clue as to his master plan!



Who likes the Oldsmobile 1956 Eighty-Eight Holiday Hardtop Coupe? I do. Its already looking pretty stellar in its red and white color scheme so will customizing this bad boy yield a mobile donut shop like on Monster Garage? Or maybe its more of a rolling ball pit?



This challenge yields more questions than answers and no less puzzling is what Peter will do with this Peugeot 205 GTI Hatch. I'm wishing for either a swamp boat or a lunar rover.



Everyone knows one Alfa Romeo isn't enough in a build challenge so Peter clocks in yet again but this time with an Alfa Romeo 105 Series 2000 GTV. Its all red and rather plain, yet stylish...like a well coiffed haircut.



Lastly Peter goes big, then goes home with this 2012 Ford Global Ranger Wildtrack Pickup in bright orange. Its already fully loaded so what is he gonna do to trick this one out? Maybe chop the roof and give it western style cattle horns on the hood.



This next entry from Bricksonwheels is a bit of an anomaly. The title on the door says Plain Jane but the truck customizer enters one of his most tricked out, badass custom trucks to date called "The Dragon". Photoshop skills and Magic card graphics makes this one of the more custom LEGO rides of all time so what does he have planned for his custom entry then? My hunch says more of the same.



Dylan Denton apparently has a plan for this poor man's Ferrari and teenage dream, the 1994 Toyota MR-2. It has fully functioning doors and popup headlights so what can he do to customize this ride? Might I suggest making it a circus inspired ice cream delivery car?



Alright, maybe that wasn't a good idea, but Lino Martins has plans for this rusted out 1960 Mercury Colony Park wagon. You need a tetanus shot just to get anywhere near this thing so even setting this heap on fire would be a good upgrade. Can he bring this crap bucket back from the dead? Magic 8-ball says "outcome is uncertain".



Raphy has a plan...actually two plans. One is a 1983 GMC Vandura in all its plain white Wonder Bread loaf looking glory. Its as uninspired as the decade that produced it. So what's he gonna do with it? Perhaps an A-team color scheme is in order!



Next Raphy punches the clock with yet another plain white van, but this time a 1980 Dodge Tradesman. Its sort of...blah. Obviously the young man has gone van crazy so what will next month yield? A wrestling ring? A hot dog stand? A dogsled?



Lastly, Tim Inman is a guy well known for going big, then going home. This is no exception as he sends us off with this large GMC Sierra 3500 HD. Its already pretty tricked out so what will next month bring? Again, this is a build challenge with more questions than answers.



We've had all the best and brightest eggheads science had to offer working hard with their calculators and probability formulas all trying to calculate exactly how many entries we'll have this time. Some said more than four, some said seven...some said a lot of hoopla about quantum mechanics, but even weird science couldn't predict there would be exactly 17 at the time of this writing. Again, this challenge offered more questions than answers. Which brings us to next month's challenge called From Mild To Wild...all about taking these Plain Jane creations and customizing or restoring the ever lovin' bejesus outta them. Maybe all our questions will be answered then. This roundup started with what will hope to be the ultimate sacrilege and ended with a big heap of GMC. This is how all challenges should go. Anyway, stay tuned next month at the same bat-time, same bat channel to answer all these crazy-ass questions. But for now, aluminum foil on your head will keep the monsters at bay. trust me on this. Later, dudes.